Hiding at Home

Hey Mom,

Mother’s day has always been about celebrating all the good things you have done for our family. We try to select the best cards, pretty flowers, thoughtful gifts either on our own or split between us siblings. You were unable to have your own kids, but you chose each of us to open your home and heart to. Something I feel we can all agree was that it was probably one of the best things that could have happened to us.

However, now that all of us kids are all well into our thirty’s I’d like to go ahead and make a confession. I resent the fact you pushed your religion onto us in a way that felt oppressive. To this day I hide the fact that I no longer follow or agree with your views on Christianity.

I clearly remember I was in my teens about to be heading to high school and we were on a family vacation. As always I had brought a book to read. I was on the last 30 pages or so when you decided you had a huge interest in what it was. I had always loved fantasy and sci-fi novels so this of course was about magic and witchcraft. A boy with his mouse familiar overcoming whatever tried to oppress them. This was offensive to you and your views so you told me I was not going to be ALLOWED to finish. A family scuffle occurred with both dad and my brother telling you how ridiculous this was and how I should be allowed to just finish my book! Thankfully you gave in and I was but had it not been about to cause a rift in our family dynamic perhaps you wouldn’t have.

Thinking back on other instances you would constantly go through our rooms to look for things you didn’t agree with and throw them away even if we bought them with our own money. Every movie we wanted to see, every book we wanted to read, every band we wanted to listen to you would check a Christian website to see if they deemed it “appropriate Christian material” or not. This caused us lots of distress not being allowed freedom to decide on our own what we wanted to include in our lives. We had to sneak around and lie about what we watched or did at our friends houses. We’d sneak up to watch stuff late at night or enjoy free rein when we’d be home alone. We learned to be distant with you and to this day I don’t think I could ever be truly open with you.

I feel like I will always be hiding a part of myself and my relationships with my partners from you. The fact I will never be married but continue to live with my parter I know has been a controversy with the family. I know it has caused me to resent him at times as well. If we see you there of course is always some type of “Grace” at the meal and he is usually trying to bite my hand or some other annoying thing at the time that I angrily think to myself, “why can’t he just pretend quietly like I am doing?” It has caused me lots of stress and all over the fact I am just trying not to offend your beliefs.

If I could go back in time I would change a lot of things. Things in my relationships with a lot of people. Yours I would wish to be more open and honest in my disagreement. I would like to have felt I could celebrate the fantasy worlds and still have a close relationship with you even if we disagree on fundamental beliefs.

Hopefully one day I we can have that happen. Until then I will continue to hold onto my guilt and shame. I will pretend with you and do my best to not cause any waves. You did your best raising us with what you knew. I know when I am a Mom that will be all I can do as well, just try my best.

Happy Mother’s day Mom!

Love,

Your Wild Daughter