Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I'm a functional drug addict and workaholic

I've always been a person with a plan, a goal, something to strive for. I like knowing where I'm going and why. I like being in control. My favorite days are the ones where I can account for every moment of the day and articulate how it helps me accomplish my plan or goal.

Naturally surprises and unexpected events would always upset me, these events rarely fit into my plan or goal and they therefore seem like a huge waste of my time and energy. I have always hated surprise birthday parties thrown by my colleagues at the office. It would always make me angry that people just assume that I want to celebrate my birthday. My birth doesn't indicate anything I've done or accomplished. Everyone has a birthday, so they aren't that special. The only thing worth celebrating, in my mind are: a job well done, a goal accomplished, a plan completed. Even then, I'd rather just work toward something else, there is always something to work toward or something to improve about myself.

My days and nights were filled with tasks. Mostly reading philosophy so I could challenge my worldview and self-help books so I could challenge myself to be better. I only allowed myself to sleep 4 hours in a 24-hour period ever since I was 15. Smoking cigarettes and drinking 24 cups of coffee during the day and 8 energy drinks at night so I could be alert enough to function. I've worked 7 days a week, every week, for 17 years. I remember the semester when I had pneumonia, was told by a doctor that I was risking my life if I didn't rest and take time off from work and school, and still went to class and work regardless. There were times when I was so fatigued and feverish that I could barely remember my name. It was those times I'd simply take some daytime cold medicine, a few aspirin, and chug a few energy drinks to make it where I could get back to work. I refused to take the medicine prescribed to me by the doctor because it made me sleepy and hindered me from completing as many tasks as I could squeeze into my waking hours. It took me months to get better, to stop coughing.

People around me praised this behavior. They said they "admired my work ethic and diligence". They often wondered aloud how I did all I did. I would laugh on the inside because I knew them well enough to know that they weren't willing to do the things that I do to work as hard as I do. I find these people annoying because they say they want to work hard, but the truth is, they just want people to think they work hard. Then I saw something that changed everything. I was scrolling through instagram and I saw a post that said: your self-worth is not defined by how much you accomplish. Your self-worth is defined by how you treat yourself. It's okay to rest.

I rolled my eyes at the post and then kept scrolling so I could see cute pictures of English bulldog puppies while waiting for my coffee at Starbucks. Once I got my coffee, I closed instagram and walked toward the office, ready to start another day of work. The problem was, that post kept nagging me. It kept popping up in my thoughts over and over, and I began to worry that I wouldn’t be able to find it later so I took a screenshot and saved it to my phone.

Over the next few weeks, I looked at the post while walking or waiting for things. Frustrated because this post stood against everything I was and angry because I knew in my heart that the post was right. The reason why it felt so good to accomplish things was because I didn’t have anything else to tie my worth too. Relationships and people were always kept at a distance so they wouldn’t hinder my task performance. I knew it was time to make a change. To improve myself by letting myself have moments when I did nothing, moments of rest.

The first time I tried to not complete tasks and just do something enjoyable a few weeks ago, I broke out into a cold sweat and became so frustrated that I cried. There were so many things I could be doing, things that had value because my goals and plans had value. I realized I was trying to go too fast. Before I try to rest, I need to understand what rest is, to make it purposive before I will be willing to attempt it again.

Firstly though, I need to admit that I have a problem. I am a workaholic and that is bad, no matter what other people or society tell me. I need to figure out who I am outside of task completion. I need to figure out what makes me happy and brings me joy. Those are the only ways to really have self-worth. I’m not quite sure where this will lead. It both excites me and scares me at the same time.