Hey Mom

Hey Mom.

I never told you this before, but…

You were the main reason why I wanted to kill myself. I never wanted to disappoint you, but I have…

…Most of my life.

You always made it clear to me that I wasn’t as pretty as Tiffany or as smart as Dillon. I wasn’t as hardworking or responsible like Emily. I couldn’t speak Chinese as well as Teresa nor could I read and write it. I didn’t do multiple extracurricular activities and exceeded it like Sam. I couldn’t stay as skinny as you when you were my age. I didn’t follow the beauty standards you expected me to have. I never finished college.

I have always been your failure child and it hurts. You never truly said that, but I would see the way you look at me in disappointment, the way you complained to our family about my life, and the way you constantly bragged about my cousins or my siblings. You would say that I’m just like my father when I do something that makes you upset.

Multiple times when I have a hobby, you would ask me why I was doing that when it doesn’t earn me money. You would tell me that I was wasting my time and money on things that don't help me. You didn’t understand that it made me happy and I wanted to learn how to do it.

Throughout all that, I was always afraid to tell you how much you were sending me into depression and suicide thoughts. I would start keeping secrets from you. I tried to be better at life. Sleep when you say I need to sleep more, eat when I’m supposed to eat, drink more water, go outside more… Everything, because you didn’t believe in mental health.

But mom… I couldn’t do it. Most times, I acted like nothing affected me. I shielded my siblings from your fights with dad. I made sure they had the childhood I didn’t have because we were too poor then. I made sure they knew I would always be there no matter what, because you weren’t. I gave them encouragement when they needed it. I told them no matter what it is… to just keep trying because they will never disappoint me as long as they actually tried their best at it. Now, you brag about them and several new traditions have begun.

Except when it came to me, I was never enough. Useless, worthless, fat, ugly, dumb, idiot, crazy. Some of the words I would hear constantly. If I made a ninety-three, why wasn’t it a hundred? If I was in the top ten, why didn’t I make number one? Dillon would help his parents with their visas and legal paperwork. He would also help around the house and cook when needed. Even now, he pays for their rent, their food, and gives them spending money. Why am I not helping you even though I’m older than him? Instead, I cause you more trouble than ever.

Everybody always told me it was tough love and that all you want is the best out of me, but my best was still not enough. I did have days where I really struggled just getting out of bed. I struggled with cleaning my room. I even struggled with eating on a normal basis. Everything got so bad that my health deteriorated so fast, but you never noticed because I could hide it well.

I remember the day I told you about wanting to kill myself. I was eighteen. I had been cutting and I was crying constantly almost every other day. You were mad at the fact that I dropped out of college and that I was dating somebody. You were mad that I didn’t have a job. You were upset that I gained weight and mad at my father who was arrested. You kept telling me I had changed as a person and I wasn’t the daughter you raised. I remember.

I remember that day clearly. We had an argument about something trivial and you were complaining about how much I failed as your daughter. How you couldn’t be proud of me and how I needed to find a job. You once again told me I was like my father and I remember how desperate I felt. All I wanted you to notice was that I needed help.

So I came up to you while you were washing dishes in the sink and I showed you my arms where I was cutting and I remember begging you to realize that I need you to care because I just wanted to die. I remember how you took one look at my scars and heard what I said… and you just made a noise of disappointment. I felt my heart shattered at that moment. You even walked away from me while I was telling you about it and I will never forget the words you ended that conversation with.

“How could you embarrass me like that? You are not my daughter.”

That day was the day that I stopped caring about my life. All I wanted to do was die and the only reasons why I didn’t do it was because of my siblings. But because of you, I was able to meet Alonzo.

He was the one who saved me. He made me happy and had no expectations for me. All he wanted was my love and I happily gave it to him. We were happy for six years and then he died leaving me pregnant with our first child.

And you were right Mom. Even though I did tell you I wasn’t going to try kill myself because I was pregnant, I wanted to, so bad. I just didn’t because I knew Alonzo wouldn’t want that from me. All I could think about talking to you was how you were going to be disappointed in me because I failed your expectations again.

I was wrong. All you were thinking about was how worried you were for my health physically… and mentally. You now believe after six years of me telling you I wanted to kill myself that mental illness exists. You told Emily how you were really worried that I would be the same that I was before I met Alonzo.

You and I also have fixed our strained relationship because you were the one who was there for my baby’s birth and were the one who constantly bought me food and took care of your grandson when needed. You absolutely adore him and I see how much he has given us both happiness. Due to him, I come over to the house several times a week just for you to see him.

Yes mom, you were the main reason, but now… Thanks to you, I see how much you love me and your grandson and I am grateful you are my mom. That is why I will always love you no matter what.