Healing from Within: My Feelings of Inadequacy and Seeking Self-Love

I'm tired of hearing that I have no reason to feel how I feel. 

I'm tired of hearing that I lacked nothing and that my parents gave me plenty - everything they could sacrifice. 

All that doesn't scratch the surface of my current reality. 

I grew up feeling that I could only be good, obedient, and quiet. Heaven forbid, I got upset like any other child or threw a tantrum. No way, Hosey!

Neither my mother nor father wanted to hear what didn't suit me. They didn't really have the time for it. They dismissed anything that didn't meet their expectations by either giving me a moral lesson in behavior or completely ignoring me when I felt bursts of sadness or anger.

Many times, they tried to distract me.

I confessed to my therapist the other day: "That's why I still feel disconnected from myself when others seem to disapprove of me. It's so exhausting." 

My therapist observed the little girl's effort to maintain a connection with her parents, noting her gentle and thoughtful demeanor. That little girl was me. 

I don't know how to talk with the little girl in me yet.

Yet, I am learning to offer compassion and reconnect with myself. I am trying to understand some old emotions that couldn't be expressed when I was a child, together with all the inherited blocks or patterns.

My therapist highlighted that the little girl (me) grew up with an illusion. If she were a good girl and didn't protest, even when she had different preferences than them, her mother and father would love her. This gave me chills when I realized how true it was in my case.

Usually, people who experience such invalidation of their emotions during childhood tend to choose a partner who will do the same as their parents. Such a partner would doubt the reasons for her feelings and bluntly and critically dismiss any attempt to differentiate herself in terms of opinions or affinities.

At least I have chosen wisely from this point of view. My husband is not doubting my feelings, nor dismisses them. I am lucky in this respect.

Nevertheless, I still feel I am never enough. This feeling is rooted in me, and I need to allow its pain to swallow me whole for me to rise. I always feel like I need to do more to be loved and accepted. I know now that it is not true. I am aware of it.

Oftentimes, hubby triggers me. When I am being told to do something, as if I were a child, I get the creeps, and the trigger is strong. I understand it now and I try to look inward. I ask myself why I feel so strongly about what hubby said. It's a slow process of hurting and rewriting my self-acceptance scripts.

I have learned that most people have internal antennas that lead them to bring into their adult lives those who have the potential to hurt them, just like their parents did. 

In my case, I also learned from my parents to question and thoroughly research everything that exists around me. This can get overwhelming at times because my perfectionist side challenges me to know everything possible. Otherwise, I am not enough. It's such a vicious circle!

After reading many books on psychology and self-help, I learned that our deepest reference about love and relationships is the following: 

If my "ideal person" resembles mom or dad, maybe both, only with them do I have a chance for a relationship and love, hmm, and of course it hurts. It can't be otherwise, it's not possible otherwise, although I so desperately need to write a version with more self-emotional expression in my interactions in order to grow.

It all goes back to self-love and how we can heal through introspection and allowing our feelings to flow.

Now I try to stand up for myself and I choose what I want to do. I tell myself that I am capable. I am determined to uncover the real me.

With compassion, I hug the little girl I used to be. I tell her words of love and I repeat that I am here for her.

I can take care of myself and we are one together. Other people's comments and disapprovals are not towards us anymore, I won't allow them. I am my own person and I can express myself better now.

I allow my children to experience their emotions and communicate them openly. I am still learning how to do this with them. And it's ok.