Healing from trauma feels like Chaos

Healing from trauma is as chaotic as getting traumatized in the first place. One positive change will lead to another and it spirals you into healing. So, making a small positive change is a key to healing from my trauma.

I made that small positive change in my life. I stopped trying to be the last person to talk during arguments with others. Let’s not lie, it is true that whenever there is a group of people, arguments happen between at least two people. Though we think of ourselves as peaceful and non-argumentative people, whenever the other person is “argumentative”, we shout at them. After realizing this, I stopped being argumentative. Now, whenever someone shouts at me, I peacefully and honestly speak the truth. In that process, I realized that I was not interested in the other person’s life at all. I was so traumatized by my mom that I didn’t have time for others. That changed after having my daughter. I started being interested in the other person’s life. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder as well as black and white thinking. I used it to my advantage. I started treating everybody like my own child. I started asking questions about their life. I started making conversations with genuine curiosity instead of thinking about my horrible mother all the time.

This is the advice I will give to others. Whenever you encounter a narcissist, don’t shout back at them. Don’t fuel their fire. At the same time, don’t be afraid of them. Have a pure heart, Look at the other person in their eyes, and speak the truth honestly. For example: One narcissist called me “selfish”. I told her, “What are you then? Why do you never ask a single question about me?”. She was answerless.

Doing so will put the narcissist in their place and make them afraid to talk to you. You can only become a leader when you are honest and kind. This is the advice that I will also give my daughter. All of these changes lead me to healing from my trauma. I forgave my mom when I realized that her mom was a narcissist. I am at peace with my life.

When you don’t encounter a narcissist (but instead encounter a kind person), you will become their friend. They should be as interested in your life as you are in theirs. There will be very less scope for arguments. Overall, it is going to be a peaceful and nurturing environment. It is not that we don’t get along with a narcissist. In fact, in many spousal relations there are narcissists. Yet they survive. Many bi-narcissistic relationships too survive. My grandparents are both narcissists. They love-bomb you in the initial stages of a relationship. One fine day, they will start showing their true colors. They are horrible people.

Regardless of uni-narcissistic or bi-narcissistic relationships, there will be no peace of mind in such relationships. One (or both) of them is selfish, has no empathy for others, never feels guilty, never accept that they are wrong, tries to control others, or never trusts others (my mom did all of these to me). I had no peace of mind any single day with her. I also had no peace of mind for several years after I left mom too.

My mom is the worst mom in the world. So, either I am exactly like my mom or I am the opposite of my mom. I would like to think that I am the opposite of my mom. This makes me the best mom in the word. My mom never trusted me. I trust my daughter. My mom never appreciated me. I appreciate my daughter and tell her that she is a good girl. My mom is very manipulative and dishonest. I am very honest. She is very greedy. I am not. So, I am convinced that I am the opposite of my mom.

I will also teach my daughter the life lessons that my narcissistic mom never taught me. There are three types of people in the world: people who have empathy, people who are narcissists, and the people in between. The people in between are rude sometimes and sweet sometimes. However, they are honest. These types of people will not harm my daughter. It is the narcissists that she should be very careful about. They pretend to be nice with you but in their hearts, they are jealous of you.

They also have black and white thinking. They have a set of rules based on which they decide people. When they like a person, they put them on a pedestal. When they put someone on the pedestal, they won’t harm them. There are the other type of people who they judge and disrespect because they don’t follow their rules. I will teach my daughter to not take narcissists seriously when they hurt her. It is in their nature to feed on making the other person unhappy. I will also teach her how to win the heart of a narcissist. They are afraid of people who c an easily see through them. I will teach her how to put them in their place.

From all the narcissists that I met in my life, I found the following three qualities in common:

1) They make the other person feel bad to make themselves feel better.

2) They are obsessed about someone thing or the other (especially the object through which they find their self image). For example: My high school frenemy was obsessed with her dad’s public image, my mom was obsessed with my academic performance, my ex boyfriend was obsessed with his car.

3) They tell manipulative stories and generate pity from others. Don’t believe them. For example: My ex-stepfather told lies that his ex-wife left him bankrupt to generate pity from my mother.

I will tell my daughter that if she notices these three qualities, she should run away from them. In case she can’t avoid them, she should learn to put them in their place.

My daughter is not a narcissist. She is only 3 but she is the first person to say “hi” to the other person. She is genuinely interested in others’ lives. She cries when other kids are rude with her but never fights with them. She shares her toys and food with others. When I was crying the other day (faking), she told, “Don’t cry mommy”.

The only other person that I love apart from my daughter is my cousin Ramya. Ramya sees only the positive qualities in others. She doesn’t remember their negative qualities. She has a lot of empathy and she wakes up everyday happy. She is a very positive person. However, she can’t filter a narcissist. Although living like Ramya is good, it is not problem free. For example, Ramya’s ex-husband was a narcissist. He tortured her. She was unhappy for 4 years in her life.

I will teach my daughter to filter out narcissists in her life.

So, my mom and my grandparents are narcissists. My bad-luck didn’t end there. My dad and ex-stepfather are also a narcissists. My grandmother showered Ramya with love because she is so beautiful. She hated me because she hated my dad. She disrespected me every chance she got. Ramya doesn’t even believe that our grandmother was a narcissist. Only I know that she is a narcissist. So, I feel that I can do a better job than Ramya in preparing my daughter to face dangerous people. This makes me the best mom in the world.

My mom taught me to be a coward. I will teach my daughter to be a leader.