Giving you up

Just sitting here, pretending to be the main character... Oh how I wish I could be, because at the end of the movie the girl always gets the guy. But here I am sitting here, wondering what I did wrong and wishing I could fix it, wishing I could fix us. Are you happy? because I'm not... Do you miss me, the way I miss you? All these questions and no one to answer them for me. I need to give you up! I need to let you go! I can't let myself heal until I learn to let you go... until I learn that letting you go is going to be the best for me. Am I ready to let you go? Am I ready to be happy with someone else? Am I? How do I answer these questions, how do I know that by letting you go won't be my biggest mistake... How do I know? I don't think that's the problem, I don't know and I won't know until I do it.. It sucks not being able to be the main character...It sucks not being able to have your happy ending. But Life is not some chick flick or a fairytale. Heartbreaks are just part of life and I have to go with it. Hopefully we find our way back to each other and we can learn to love again and maybe next time we can grow old together and have a family.

But for know I'm giving you up.... I'm giving you up.... Can I do that? Do I have enough strength? Can I live without you? Sadly there is only one way for me to find out if I can and that letting you go.. That Giving you up. In school you are taught the lesson and then given a test, In life you are given the test to learn the lesson. And life's a bitch, and the test that I had I'm feeling at- I picked C all the way down because I chose to look past all the red flags, that was not smart of me. I'm slowly losing my feeling for you and you don't even notice- I'm giving you up because that's what's best for me, I don't want to break your heart but you have already broken mine. I’m not the main character, I never will be.

I want to be able to love you again, I want to be able to trust you again. But I can't choose someone else over me, you refuse to drop her because why? I don’t know. I’m not a second choice, So if I even become an option please don’t choose me- choose the other girl! I know my worth and I know what I deserve. I love you, but I don’t know if I love you like that. I’m sorry but I’m giving you up, I need to give you up. So this is me giving you up. Goodbye thank you for letting me love you, but f*ck you for making me give you up.

Not going to lie guys. I miss him! I want him back, I want to hold his had and run my hands through is hair- I want to kiss him and hold him and feel his embrace. I miss his hugs and his voice. I f*ucking mis him!! Can I give him up? Can I quit texting him? Can I bee happy with someone else? I miss him! I have never been good at talking about my feelings. I have bottled up everything and know I'm sadly cutting my leg, its all scared. I have so much imperfections, I hate the way I look. I hate the was I sound. I hate my body, how dig I am. I have been cheated on and used. I have been raped and abused. I hate myself! I really do.

"Would anyone care, would anyone cry. If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight? Would anything change, would you all be just fine? 'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight. It just might save my life, Would anyone want me. If they knew what was inside my head? Would anyone see me, For the person that I really am?" -Citizen Soldier

I wanted to kill myself 6 weeks ago. But one of my best friends moved in with me and she has kept me going. She has thrown out all my razors, and has been an amazing person! I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for her. I'm a Christian, you know. I believe in God- I believe in what he can do. I understand that he was a plan for all of us! but I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough to carry out his plan he has made for me.

"If you're dying inside, Sick of being alive, Let me in, let me share in your pain. From my lungs through the dark. Spoken straight from the heart, Let me give you a reason to stay. If you're out there still lying awake. If you're out there still wondering, Would anyone care, would anyone cry. If you finally gave up and turned out the light? The world would be changed if you left it behind. You can't be replaced, no, tonight is the night. You take back your life, Take back your life, Take back your life, Take back your life." -Citizen Soldier

Citizen Soldier, there music is amazing. I love them, they help me express how I'm feeling. They are one of the reasons I'm still alive, my friends is the main reason. I know yall don't want to read about my problems, but this is the only place where I can write about them and not be judge. So thank you for reading.