For A Brief Moment

I remember the day we met. I had my kids with me and one of my cousins, she had brought her son too. It had been our first motocross event we had ever gone to. I saw you walking towards us and as we drew closer everything around us just seemed to stop and stand still. I felt like my breath just stopped. It was the most magical feeling I have ever had. Just as I turned around to see you walk by, someone bumped into me and I ended up picking up the unfinished nachos that fell to the floor.

That brief moment, that entire experience has been one that I have not been able to get back. With each new encounter and with each new person I meet. I wait for that spark, that feeling of sweet suffocation as I can't catch my breath knowing that you must be the one. I tend to often think of you and search for you online. Hoping one day we may speak to one another once again.

I look for you in every man I meet. Could this be the one? Is he meant to be with me forever, for all eternity? Is he my soulmate? But each and every time I find myself more disappointed than with the last. It finally all just came to an end. I stopped searching. I stopped hoping to ever find true love. I've faced my future, and have grown to find comfort in the certainty that love is just not in it for me.

If I can't feel that strong of a connection with anyone ever again. Then tell me what is the point of giving in... to those who continue to pursue me with hopes of more, but love isn't a part of what they see. I sit back and reminisce as I am reminded of the times I have been in those so-called relationships. With cheaters, and liars, and those who only thought of themselves, and never truly saw themselves ending up with me.

I saw a glimpse into a whole new me. I wanted more than what could be. I saw myself keep settling for those with one foot in and one foot out the door. Those nights of clubbing and sharing drinks. The dirty dancing and feeling alone once more. While all around me friends were getting married and starting families. But I already had a family... So what did I really need a man for?

I became so head-strong and independent that even if there had been a good man to come along I would self sabotage and push him away. Because each encounter never gave me that same feeling of what we had that day!

I know that day was not our last. I know what we had does not feel done. It was the best thing to happen to me. I was the happiest woman when I found out you were my good friend's cousin. So the brief moments we did have together, here and there, have left a deep sadness within my heart. I often ask myself why it couldn't be me? Why didn't I fight harder? But deep down I always knew if you were not absolutely certain that I was the one, then to push you away was the best decision for me.

I often wonder if you ever think of me. I hear from your cousin that you found someone new. It sounds like she's not that great of a match for you. We share the same name, but she will never be me. It is sad to think what we could be. Knowing that we may never get that chance in life again. So if the pattern continues, maybe I'll see you once again, and in the future we will both be free!