Fat Thumbs

I couldn’t really believe what I was seeing.. my friend ignored me ... and worse. I seriously might as well have not have existed any more. We hadn’t had any disagreements .. but they were drinking themselves into oblivion for one thing, I was looking at them with fresh eyes, sceptical eyes.. and this was all happening at a point where we would probably never meet again well more accurately, rarely do so... it was therefore so so important to leave things well, and with gratitude. Because it had been a really sweet friendship.

BAD EVENING

Well it didn’t happen, things got a lot worse and I can’t say before they got better because getting better was not a thing... and I lost it. Provoked and upset and a tiny bit tipsy..I did something I never intended to do .. something really dodgy ..something most importantly I had previously promised I never would do too...

I felt like shit..

I felt no better by the next day and I reasoned that as I wasn’t going to see this person much anymore, if at all... I might as well get everything off my chest. Come to think of it this, as an aside .. this is when I started the habit of writing down my mental turmoil..

EVEN I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

My first mistake was a rookie one... perhaps a typical one for someone of my generation who wasn’t at that time all that familiar with what one can and cannot do on social media. I opened up Facebook messenger....

Anyway I proceeded to tell this person what I thought of their triggering and thoughtless behaviour and I will say in my defence I did apologise for MY own bad. I thought the piece I had written perfectly encapsulated how I felt about their actions that night and how I wanted to be treated going forward.

But I read it again... and considered all the circumstances surrounding the events and I concluded that maybe, just maybe I was being too harsh and expecting a little too much from this person. I decided that yes... writing it all out had made me feel better but it also helped me see my own unreasonableness.

So I’ll just erase all this... I thought..

Oh for gods sake no!!! Yes you’ve guessed it and this was before the advent of the unsend button..I hit send instead.

I kind of hoped that my exaggerated ire might have been understood.. but not all that surprisingly it was seen as an attack and a bloody cheeky one at that given that my own provoked behaviour was less than sterling.

That said there was no particular indication that this person was going to fall out with me.

ENOUGH

I was going to fall out with me

The me I was around them... and by extension therefore then I did fall out with them. I was actually so angry with MYSELF and my stupid fat thumbs ..my reacting like a complete idiot and at them for laughing at me ...

Given that circumstances were such as I have said, we would not be crossing each other’s paths any more and certainly not every week... I withdrew completely and after a rather half hearted attempt by me to set things well, at least civil, if not right ...about a month later was seriously rejected and pretty nastily too. I gave up. All this had come from one message that I never even intended to send.

What else can I say? It was never meant to happen.. and was completely avoidable, that said I think that lessons were probably learnt on both sides. If we were such good friends we would have got around this... I think I already knew that we were most certainly good friends... but for a season, in the given circumstances at that time...

Whether things had been left well or ill.. those given circumstances that had supported the friendship had changed and changed quite dramatically.. maybe my fat thumbs merely accelerated and ending that was inevitable.

The point is the nastiness was never inevitable and never intended. I think this is why this one event sticks in my throat .. as the fallout from one stupid message, made that ending so ugly and wrong