Eternally Heartbroken

So many forms

So many different ways to feel it.

But how to heal it.

I held my heart in a metal case with no key... I didn't want to fall in love... I didn't want to loose control of me....

I didn't want to feel what elders called heartbreak ...

Them their was you

And he is a welder ...

So... my metal heart was melted away by his charm his charisma his words our laughs

The way my head felt perfect in his chest. The way he lead me into unknown territory... and I unquestionably followed. I trusted him.

I trusted him with my heart ... soul and well being.

Some where along the road something went wrong...

When our mental illness showed its ugly heads we pushed away....

You ran away from US

I was hiding in a world of my own telling myself .... it'll be ok...

we turned our back on each other yet slept in the same bed.

We stopped touching... Our hugs felt like that of a BRO hug... Touches became foreign and awkward.

Not knowing at the time we were both going thru hell in our minds we both shut down... survival mode to say....

We fell apart over pride... The whole “I don't want to burden this person so I'm going to push thru this hell by myself .”

We started to resent each other...

for so many reasons... the lack of understanding... the verbal lashings... the thought that the other couldn't possibly understand what we were going thru.

I'm the depths of our hurt what we really wanted was for that hurt person in us to be held. To be told you will make it thru this rough patch...WITH ME.

HOLD ME YOU FUCKER!

But ... we we're both gonna be damned to ask for it.

And then.....

We fell.... hard... it left us flaling like children...

Becoming Enemies of our own making...

Considering each other to be an enemy as to an ally.

This lead us down roads of blame and disaster.

Neither wanting to own up to their faults...

the abuse, the addiction, the neglect and the pure hate that started to form

This lead us to the end is US... Well what was us... Their will always be US...

But we both know it's not the US we really wanted.

When we had our son we were so happy... we made a family.... we were so proud.

Now we watch each other from different sides and still resent each other for reasons we made.

We were once a family and now we're just another statistic.

Broken

I dream often that I broke a plate in my kitchen.

He runs to see what happens... As I start to pick up the pieces he kneels and helps.... I look up and both of our hands are covered in blood...

But... We're bleeding together. Working together to clean up a mess as I cried because deep down I knew this meant we were bleeding our hurt all over each other... both wanting to help but starting with shards of broken glass didn't set us up for success...

I wake... He's not there... There's no blood on my hands and no broken dishes...

We never really tried to fix US

WE didn't know where to even start...

But our backs to each other wasn't a great start.

Our pride killed what we had... Our youthful ignorance told us to let go...

So we did... Or did we...

I think we both know we will never be again

But do you still make wishes on fallen stars?

Do you blow dandelions into the wind in my name?

Of course you don't...

Foolish of me to think you would....

_Dayna