Crooked Smile

the mechanical pencil flows so much easier when she’s low

When she feels like she’s barley surviving the day

I’ve noticed I pick up my pencil when I’m low and I pour my emotions onto paper and then here

A good way to share the experiences of a manic depressive but....

there are many days

That she smiles too

She’s not all lows and highs

And unpredictability

There are days she wakes and she smiles and doesn’t feel doomed soon as her eyes see morning light

She wakes with a big smile... full of positive thoughts

Strong minded that day if you will

She kisses her sons forehead and wishes him a good morning also and of course takes a few minutes to take in the beauty of her sleeping angel

She finds beauty in the small things

Exchanging smiles with a stranger... a dog... a baby... an elder person

When her son tells her that she couldn’t possibly love him as much as he loves her

His smile when we discover something new together

Jumping on the trampoline until we laugh and just lay and look upon the sky

Belly laughs

Our taco date nights...

museum date nights.. holding his hand as we admire the historical greatness

When he says he loves me and as unworthy as I feel of his love I can’t help but feel like you know what I do deserve to feel this

These wonderful moments of being a mom

Experiencing love deeper than any ocean could fathom

I am forever grateful... I have experienced real love

When she gets a glimpse of nature in the raw

Like when monarch in hues of orange and yellow passes her sight and gets oddly close

When she is digging in the ground and the smell of earth hits her senses

Finding an artifact or just simply finding random cool things

Riding my lil huffy sea star bike like I’m 11 again.

Feeling a breeze rip through the trees and throw my hair about

Getting nostril swigs of my dog beetle when we cuddle (only the frito loving dog owners get this)

Getting to roll around with beetle even though she has gotten older....

The feeling of having a best friend that wears a fur coat and won’t tell your secrets (high or low ones)

She’s alive in these moments

She’s happy

She’s stable

She shows graditude to the gods...

she lives for these moments...

the moments of clarity and laughter

Moments of pure love

I know for those who live with this or have a loved one whom does...

watch these highs and lows...

It’s not easy....

both sides of this life

but when she is happy when all the stars align and she is smiling effortlessly...

it is in these moments she stops and takes in the beauty of this moment

How it feels to feel happy

How it feels to not fake her smile

It is in all these moments mentioned that she is affirmed with the fact that even though some days she can’t seem to muster a smile for shit...

there will come days that she just simply appreciates her smile

It is these days that get her by...

Its these things that ground her and show her happiness...

It’s not gone...

it’s just another day.... and wether it be high... low... or normal

She’s gonna live it

With a real smile or even the little crooked one she pulls out for the ehhhh days...

she’s learned to smile.... thru whatever this journey may throw her way

She still smiles

_Frey Ley

Memoris of a Manic Depressive