Do narcissists set their children up for failure?

Yes, absolutely. However it is possible to overcome their abuse and succeed in your life despite the trauma. I'm a daughter of a narcissistic mother in a narcissistic family dynamic. My role in the family as a child, adolescent and young adult was the scapegoat. I was put in this position because I spoke the truth, was a precocious child, was gifted with strong perceptive skills and emotional maturity and empathy beyond my years. I was also emotionally strong and could endure the abuse heaped onto me. My younger sister being thin and attractive was and still is my mother’s golden child. She and my younger brother, who was tall and athletic, would take turns being the golden children.

One of my mother’s biggest regret in life is that her father did not allow her to complete her education. She is from a generation that strongly adhered to stereotypical gender roles so her father wanted her to get married and become a home-maker. My mother was intelligent and skipped a number grades in high school. She had dreams of becoming a successful lawyer but was not allowed to finish high school and she left at age 14. Her father died when she was 16 years old so she went to trade school to become a hairdresser instead and felt she had missed out on her one opportunity for material success.

My mother began to inflict abuse on me when I started high school and was getting good grades. She later became envious of the fact that I did exceptionally well in high school and got into the university of my choice. My mother did not get that opportunity so she did everything in her power to sabotage my success at university and any opportunity for a career. How she did that was to yell and scream, throw and break things, call me derogatory names and physically assault me during exams and in fact the whole time I was at university. She also manipulated my siblings into emotionally and physically abusing me, refused to help me practically if I needed it and beat me if I dared ask for anything. Once she cracked me on the head so hard, because I asked if I could borrow her car, that I almost bled out. During this time she refused to call an ambulance. My younger sister called the doctor who could not stop the bleeding and he called the ambulance. As I was bleeding out my mother and sister proceeded to mop up the blood so it didn’t look so bad when the ambulance got there. They did not care one iota that I was passing out on the floor with a head injury.

As a poor student, I could not afford to move out of home. I worked three part time jobs to put myself through university (in Australia the fees are deferred until you become employed however books, some tuition fees, student union fees are not covered and I also needed it for food, clothing, bills and transport as I did not own a car).

During this time and a few years that followed, my mother and sister regularly ganged up on me and they would say things like “you’re so fat and ugly”, “you’re crazy”, “you’re the black sheep and a trouble maker”. They enjoyed inflicting pain on me. In high school my mother continually called me crazy and would drag me round to different psychiatrists because she was not happy that they told her I was sane and I just needed her to back off.

My sister and mother would continue to torment me, gaslight me and I would take beatings from them. Sometimes my father and brother would join in. All because of my mother’s envy of me, my hard working ethic, studiousness and determination to succeed.

The constant abuse and control took a physical and emotional toll on me and my grades suffered, but I was determined to at least finish my degree and then focus on saving enough money to get out once I got a job. I finished university and the 1997 recession hit in Australia and it took me 9 months to find a job. I spent the next few months saving for a car and a place of my own. My family would physically beat me for the last time and I moved out, with the help of my uncle and aunt and vowed never to return to that family again.

This sort of thing happened again later when I suffered major depression in my late 20s, lost my job, then my home and had no other option than to return to the family home where the abuse started all over again. They threw me out on the street at my worst and I was homeless for 12 months. My mother saw my depression as an opportunity to kick me while I was down and employ my brother and sister to do her dirty work for her. She even involved a lawyer and dragged me through the courts to and I quote “financially ruin” me.

These are just a couple of examples of the myriad of ways that my narcissistic family tried to sabotage my success. I suffered mental illness (major depression, panic disorder, OCD, bulimia) because of their abuse and was later diagnosed with complex PTSD and neurological functional disorder. I suffered greatly because my family wanted me to fail and stay down in the gutter.

But they didn’t count on the gifts that I was blessed with. God gave me courage in spades, an iron clad will, extreme determination and emotional strength to keep getting up, empathy, intelligence, self sufficiency and independence. I used my experiences to help others in a social work career. I built myself up emotionally and financially. I worked hard and I managed to become financially independent standing on my own two feet without help or support from anyone and bought land and later a small home. I don't have a lot of debt, I live simply and have savings and investments. Though I didn’t marry or have children and my life has had more downs than ups, I overcame the worst of betrayals that can befall anyone. I live a normal life when I could have ended up in a psychiatric ward or on the streets. I still have battle scars and bad times but I have created a new family out of friends and extended family. I live my life on my own terms and know I'm a worthwhile and valuable human being despite the brainwashing and abuse from my family. I have little to do with my parents and siblings and when I do it is only on my terms. So you can succeed despite what happens to you. I have come to value and appreciate what is really important in life: loving yourself enough to be your own best advocate, genuine relationships, freedom to choose your thoughts, and the simple pleasures of being alive. Through this I have learned what true wealth and success is.