Diamond Transparency

Not too long ago I would wear a mask to cope with the onslaught of human interaction known better as socialization. Welcome to the life of an introvert struggling to realize their place in the world. Come for an adventure, a walk in my small-sized shoes that travel a distance.

Understand my past:

Around the age of ten, I was invited to a birthday party where the theme was Garden Fairies. Delighted for a chance to dress up as a fairy, excited yet also nervous – I hadn’t met my friends’ other friends and that meant socializing with new people. Eeek!

I recall making comparisons with the other girls. Often bothered by the shape of my nose, or my square face and European features compared to the Australian girls. Feeling sad, as I felt the other girls were more beautiful. Internally fear of rejection and difference/judgment had taken a seat, though I wasn’t aware of that as a ten-year-old. Leaving the party, I felt flat thinking why am I so different? Is there something wrong with me?

Now as a young girl coming from a family with at the time an alcoholic father. The guidance into my womanhood wasn’t exactly supported. More so the concept was when you have a question ask and learn as you go along. Again, I was left looking at the fear and rejection which were heavily integrated into my system.

Introduction to re-education:

Fast forward life into my undergraduate degree in Criminology, during a class of Introduction to Criminal Psychology.

Now, my parents coming from olden teaching were not sure about psychology and its teachings and often advised not to delve into the topic. Being the devoted good daughter, they requested of me; making sure I am adhering to the expectations others also place upon me, I did as they requested. Until Introduction to Criminal Psychology emerged as a core unit in my studies. I couldn’t drop the subject, instead, I revealed my learnings to my parents. In the long run, it has worked, as they have realized, they misjudged their assumptions to the topic.

Though that first day in Criminal Psychology I felt awkward and uncomfortable. Psychologists would see through me! They would see everything about me that I am trying to hide! What am I doing in this class? Thankfully I was over-analyzing the situation. One of the classes was completely dedicated to the psychoanalytical theory of personality, developed by Sigmund Freud.

Sigmund Freud - Core concepts defined:

Completely fascinated by the theory – not for the criminalistic viewpoint, rather the core concepts of the ID, EGO, and SUPEREGO. Hold up, let me give you a heads-up about the theory.

The ID is the instincts in the body, partnered with the pleasurable concepts. For instance, when you are hungry you need to eat, but you may also be hungry for deviant or lustful pleasures.

The EGO is responsible for acting as the concept of reality and what is socially acceptable. (Insert rule-followers here.) Furthermore, trying to work with the ID in a way that is still abiding by the rules to get what is desired.

Lastly, the SUPEREGO is derived from modeling the same-sex parent in early childhood years, to form a concept of morality.

Each of these components attempts to work simultaneously, except one component will try to take the lead over the others. Chaos, right?

From this theory, I started to understand parts of my internal problems and thought maybe there was a way to fix these myself... As Freud’s theory is based on personality, I couldn’t wait to get home to do a personality test to learn more about myself.

Who am I? Personality is a start…

Here is where I became intensely fascinated by the different personality groupings. I came to realize according to the Myers-Briggs 16 personality tester I fall into the category of INTJ. The more I read the profile provided the more connected I felt with each sentence. Finally, I felt understood! Although now I had the knowledge, I wasn’t sure what to do with it. Slowly, this self-discovery movement got left behind as I continued focusing on my studies and future.

A new beginning:

Flick forward the pages and chapters of my life story into this year. Having walked away from married life, now a single parent. Life is a journey, and I don’t regret the previous steps taken. After all this transitional phase wouldn’t be in effect if the past hadn’t occurred. Being highly fascinated with personal development and growth I have found ways to heal the hurt inner child who allowed fear and rejection to take a seat within. I am comfortable with who I am, how I look, I am respectful toward myself through time and values. No more expectations overhead, I stay free from that line of thinking.

Over the course of this year, I am truly grateful to have established a connection with a mentor and other close friendships. A dear friend said one day,

“Unless you drive this ship – called my life – then butt out!”

Past defined: Forward Progression

You see, I use to be a highly judgemental person. Worried about what other people may say about me or do to me. Compliance: I thought was following orders and doing things for others. People-pleasing is often the term used to define this type of behavior. I was giving so much of myself to others that internally I was burning out.

Hearing that line from my friend’s mouth became an unofficial mission statement. It provided the freedom to be who I want to be. To move forward in the best direction. Ultimately, these words helped me realize – I can be authentic, real, and transparent. These were the traits I dreamt of displaying yet allowed the fear to override. What will happen if others see the REAL ME?

Vocal Challenge:

That’s where this challenge comes in. The remarkably real challenge: Tell a candid story about the authentic me. I felt delighted to see such a topic! Look how far the Westernised world has accepted and worked with Mental Health. Hope filled within to share the real me with the world. A chance to do what I love; (besides caring for my son) writing, and tie it in with a confession of who I am. A task I can certainly do! Until procrastination sunk in, doubled with pre-Christmas chaos, let alone the terror of Omicron lurking.

I sat myself down realizing there were 4 days left to submit my entry. The days were disappearing faster than the items on my to-do list! I decided to analyze what is going on. Why haven’t I completed this task? When 30 days ago I was blown away and keen to submit? Rejection and fear. Certainly, I have come a long way this year, though my two enemies still attempt to keep me prisoner. Deciding to use their negative energy into productive energy I powered out this piece. Why? Because to be the authentic, real me is my goal now. To be the same to each person I meet, to be real, authentic, and transparent. That’s what I want to strive towards!

But hold up. I know this has been a story of my life and the challenge clearly said share a candid story about the authentic me. So, let’s go!

Diamonds…

I’ll let you in on something… for a long time I have HATED diamonds! Ironic the piece about authenticity should be to promote the diamond, right? Well, that was it, a sheer hatred towards the gem. I honesty would view it as an extremely well-cut and polished piece of glass that women would like to wear (and men occasionally). One time the light captured within a jeweled piece and shot into my eye. Laser beam diamond shot! I’m sure you can imagine how riled up I felt.

At least that’s how I use to be… Remember my transformation?

In all irony, I felt this challenge spoke deep into my soul. To prep for this challenge and really any writing piece research is the key ingredient! The more I read, the more fascinated I became with the diamond. Did you know diamonds are created from intense pressure?

I imagine that pressure to be a bit like this. The pushing of wind against my body not telling but forcing the direction it pleases. Getting caught in a wave, confusion which way is up or down or if I’ll hit a rock. Let alone catch another breath of fresh air in nature's version of a cold run washing machine. The pull of gravity while riding down the rollercoaster into the depths of a tunnel you don’t know where it will take you.

Oppression pushing on every side of my being. From my mental and physical health to my vulnerable, emotional core. From income to no income. From safe place to no place – thank goodness for family! From love to separation. From purity to abuse.

For the past 5 years, I have endured living in a high-stress environment, all the while cycling through burnouts, a pregnancy, childbirth, attempted recovery, plus the fallout of my marriage.

Suddenly learning about the pressure required to create a diamond, it began to hit home. I understand pressure! I resonated with the diamond.

Reflecting on my previous research and how to incorporate it with my life, the words “diamond transparency” came to mind. Intrigued I discovered these are the words used to define the purity and clarity of a diamond when viewed face-up. Ideally, to see clearly through the diamond and further to have a light shine through it.

That was the most amazing thing I read! After all that pressure, the diamond is then transparent! Vulnerable. Clear. Authentic. Real. Transparent.

I have finally discovered who I am and where I need to go in life.

I no longer have a hatred for the diamond, instead, longing to own one as a reminder of how far we have both gone. Diamond and I are alike.

Thank you for reading!

References:

Image Under Pressure. NaBHaN. (2013, August 4). https://www.deviantart.com/nabhan/art/Under-Pressure-390452438 page used on 20 December 2021.

Jogia Diamonds. (2010, October 20). Diamond Transparency and Going Beyond The Diamond Certificate. https://www.jogiadiamonds.com.au/blog/diamond-transparency-and-going-beyond-the-diamond-certificate/

McLeod, S. A. (2018, April 05). What are the most interesting ideas of Sigmund Freud?. Simply Psychology. www.simplypsychology.org/Sigmund-Freud.html