Deep Thoughts at 3 am

TW: Some sexual content, swearing.

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I love her.

I...I shouldn't feel that way about her, but...I do. It's the only word that really explains how I feel...but...

She's my best friend. She's chaotic as fuck, loud, stubborn, prone to emotional outbursts, but will also love you to death. She will randomly give you the biggest hugs, poke your nose and be like "you're so small, I'm never letting go".

But she won't let me fucking poke her back!

Which leads to wrestling sessions, which god I'd LOVE it if she pins me down, but she won't, just grabs my wrists and holds them still and gives me that "stop or you're fucked" look.

Wish it was meant in that way.

But I have a boyfriend. And I love him, we've been planning a life together, we are weird, random, love each other so much, have so many similar interests, goofy as fuck and so immature but…her.

She's so exciting, never can quite tell what's gonna happen with her, it's…like a drug, an energy boost.

I want to be with my boyfriend, but…I don't feel totally happy. Not really interested as much anymore and I can't tell if it's just a dull period. But, I'm gonna finally see him in December (we're long distance) and meet up for the first time and I'm excited, but…am I? I can't tell. Like I am, but I'm not. Like I feel…nothing. Bored. Like "Oh. Yeah. We're gonna see each other". It's a HUGE thing, but it doesn't feel like it is, like it's just meh, whatever. But when we skype and I finally see his face and hear his voice I feel excited, I feel safe, at home, loved, I feel genuine love and giddy with happiness at the thought of finally being in his arms. I wanna feel his skin, his lips caressing mine. I wanna play with his hair. God, I wanna fuck him and hear him moan. But when we go for long periods without skyping or seeing or hearing each other, I feel…empty. Distant.

So maybe I'm just feeling the distance when we're not skyping. Maybe it's nothing wrong with us, it's other things that's going on and I'm letting it tarnish how I feel and see my relationship.

But then there's her.

Could there be…are open relationships okay? I was always raised that a relationship is just two people – that's it, either a man and a woman, two woman, two men or whatever it is in between. It's just two people…but…if we all consent…would it be okay? Cause it's not like I'm saying "let's all go and kiss strangers," I would be asking to simply open up a pathway to a meaningful and intimate relationship with one other person. Is it possible for someone to have more than one meaningful, romantic and intimate relationship and there be no issues if there was communication and boundaries?

But how…you can't just slowly lead into such a topic, you just have to dive straight into it…god, why is this so hard? Why do we have to have the capacity to fall in love with more than one person at once?

What do I do?

God, I have issues...

And of course it doesn't help that with long distance, we can't actually be with each other, touch and hold each other whenever we want, so maybe that's also why feelings for my bestie have arisen, cause physical touch is one of my love languages and she is a very touchy person, so...idk...