Dear Mom

Dear mom,

We’ve always been opened together. You’ve taught me everything. How to be strong. How to be independent. How to let loose and have fun. We could shop till the mall closed. Laugh until our bellies ached. But for us being so close…you hid so well.

You were my best friend up until I graduated high school. Then you became someone I didn’t even recognize. I was pregnant when you decided to sell your house. I was pregnant and all you could think of was yourself. You were shoving me out forcing me practically to move in with my father while you got your small home with the boyfriend who doesn’t deserve not one bit of your energy. I stood by your side hoping you would return to yourself because my mother would have never shoved me away for some man. You only became worse. I moved in with my father. Waiting for my future husband to be back from deployment. Ignoring your texts out of anger. I was so hostile towards you. As time progressed I missed you. But you were too involved in your new life with all your kids graduated. I knew you’d come around to your senses so I silently forgave you.

Months passed my daughter was born. Times would come that I asked you to watch her. But you were too tired. I moved away, bought a house with my husband the father to my child. You would text me saying you missed me. But wow that angered me. For you to say you miss me and my daughter when you pushed us aside while you still had us near.

We then moved to California. You immediately wanted to visit us. I hadn’t seen you in awhile of course I missed you, your my mother, I love you always. But no, all you wanted was a vacation. Who was this lady who came to my home?? No. That was not my mother. I didn’t think I could ever say that I’m embarrassed of you. But I was so embarrassed. You were bitter to my children. Even called my brothers children while you were here and spoke to them completely different from how you speak to my kids. I’m ashamed. You made me believe before you came that you were bettering yourself that you were quitting smoking. You lied. And guilt tripped me for not allowing you to smoke at our house. I yelled at you. For the first time ever I yelled at you. I wanted to take you to the airport right then but I didn’t because your my mother. You only had two days left with us. We ignored you. As it seemed you were happier laying in the sun away from us. On the vacation you wanted the whole time. Not to see us at all. You left and apologized for the way you acted. But I knew you weren’t sorry you only wanted pittied. You wanted me to excuse something that was inexcusable. You left to board your plane crying. And for some reason it didn’t break my heart that you were crying it broke my heart that I couldn’t even feel bad about you crying because I didn’t even recognize you. You broke my heart and you didn’t even see it.

I never texted you after that. You texted me first. I ignored it. I ignored your texts for weeks. I couldnt understand how you could be so different. Who are you? And where did my mother go? Where did the strong willed hard working happy women go? Your my mother I love you always. But I miss you even more. As the sun sets tonight. And the colors paint the sky. Remember how beautiful and how short life is. If there’s one thing you need to know. It’s this. I want my mom to be my mom again…happy…is that too much?

With all my heart,

Your daughter.