Dear Mom

Dear Mother,

The time has come once again for the glorious day of celebrating mothers. Now that I am one myself, I know the joy it feels deep within knowing I am responsible for the creation of life, three times over. From the moment of seeing those two pink lines, feeling their first kicks, the fear of the unknown when bringing them into this world, and all the trials and ecstatic feelings that come with it. However, I know this joyous feeling every day of my life since I became a mother. The feeling of knowing my children are safe, warm, fed, and taken care of brings light to my life in many ways that are indescribable often.

Although this should be a very happy letter to you, I must clarify this is a confession. I must confess some things that have broken my heart and dreams but shaped my direction in life. A realization of a destroyed foundation and a childhood I was robbed of. You were never the mother I needed in life. To this day, you still are not. I would watch you as I grew, steadily waiting for you to notice me there waiting and begging for your time and love. Yet, it never came. Being the middle child, I was often overlooked on many things, but I was the default problem when my siblings did wrong. For many days, months, and years, I wondered why my mother left suddenly, only for her to return a while later with no explanation. My siblings and I were left often wondering when we would be fed next, if we would have the shoes we needed for school, and many things while you were out ensuring your hair was in the newest perm, taking trips to various places with people you had just met, and many other horrible things.

I hold a lot of resentment toward you for the way my childhood had to be. I should not have had to step into your shoes at the age of eight(8). Nor should I have had to deal with figuring out life as a teenager or adult. Robbed of growing as a child and enjoying the simple aspects of life as a child should. I find great pleasure and happiness watching my children learn, imagine, and flourish with each phase of their lives. I cannot imagine leaving them or missing out on their milestones and accomplishments or guiding them through life. It is heartbreaking to me when I even think about the slightest possibility they would face anything of the latter.

A major issue is you hold a grudge against me for something I had and have no control over. The moment I was born and handed to my father instead of you is nothing I can control. This is something you have still laden me with as my fault. Mother, it is heart-wrenching to hear you compare me to my siblings as if my accomplishments and family are not tangible things. I cannot stomach hearing how badly I have made your life by me simply existing, nor can I grasp the understanding of how you never wanted children to begin with but expect things like being wished a Happy Mother's Day. I cannot wish you a Happy Mother's day because I never had you as a mother as I should have.

My life accomplishments are often diminished by you. In grade school, my academics were not praiseworthy to you. I strived, and succeeded very well, to make the honor roll every year so you would be proud of me. However, that was never the case. I had scholarships for my achievements, but they were not something you were happy about. You never came to any of my sporting events to cheer me on or see how fantastic I was. Now, I am in college with a successful career and many highly accomplished things under my belt, and you were and are not there. I have come to peace with the understanding that my heart will have the void and ache, longing for a mother to love me as one should.

I see those of my friends, coworkers, and those I call family, have their mothers in their lives. Mothers who radiate their pride, love, and adoration for their children at every milestone they made. I long for that. I will always long to have this void filled in only the way a mother can.

Worry not my dearest mother. I do my best to ensure your life is taken care of in the situation in which life has thrust you. Despite your lack of love and care for me, I will do my duty as your daughter to secretly provide the care, financial security, and gatekeeping for the rest of your life from a distance. My children know who you are, as they should. It is upsetting they will never have a true relationship with their grandmother.

I must thank you though for giving me life examples of what not to do or how to be. I thank you for giving me the determination to do and be better while standing firmly on the thick scars across my heart and life. Thank you mother for teaching me how not to be in life, as a woman, as a friend, but importantly, how not to be as a mother.

I hope you find joy in the rest of your Mother's Day.

Sincerely,

A wounded and heartbroken daughter.