Dating Life

My worst first date? This one is easy. It stands out because it was actually a good date, (sort of)....which had a lot of laughter, good food, but for some reason, just a feeling really, but I had a sneaking suspicion throughout the evening that she was actually a guy.

We met for a drink and then dinner at a nice, quiet place where we could hear ourselves talk, and have a chance to get to know each other. I chose this place for the food, which is always excellent, but also because with online dating, you just never know. Since I had gone there before I was aware of the side exit just in case.

I think the conversations started off well, she was funny, and made some sports references which I liked. She drank beer, not wine, and as the night progressed and we came to be more familiar with each other, she told some crazy stories. Not really about her, but about some experiences that her friends had while online. It seemed that most of her friends were guys that had met some form of insecure, but hot women who they eventually ran away from. Were these warnings? Of course. They were also interesting and well told stories. It was during one of these stories where she described how a guy reacted to a certain type of crazy that we have all seen, that I had my first doubt about her being a her. Once that thought got into my head, it was hard to shake out. So, for the last hour or so, I kept on trying to see any beard stubble, an adam's apple, anything..and...I thought I did see an adam's apple part way through dinner which absolutely just froze me in my tracks. Fork suspended in mid-air for far too long. A joke was made, both laughed, me peering around my fork at the neck region. The lead up to a good night kiss would probably be the highlight of that story, except for the.....

Here I pause to add in some gifs or maybe a commercial for men’s hair care products. Or the latest in shavers… the vaunted 6 blade luxury model from Black and Decker.

.....so back to my date. Even after having suspicions I honestly had a good time. (Not sure what that says about me - hope it is that I just like good company) The conversation flowed easily, going naturally from topic to topic, with input and insight from both of us (Not sure from my side, but for sake of the story, I will say I was charming...lol). We had dessert and a drink afterwards, the time there was getting close to 3 hours, and I still wasn't sure. Getting nervous about the end of the night, I excused myself to the restroom and spied a bit while out of sight. Nothing. No give away either way. I thought to myself: why would there be, she is a girl.....Or was she? Once back to the table, I decided I had to find out before we walked out to our cars, so I reached out to hold a hand. That just confused me more, as it felt like every other girl's hand I have ever held, going all the way back to my kindergarten crush Francine, except in this case, my hands were clammy and I felt very awkward and self aware. Holding a hand with both of mine, and making initial plans on where to go for our second date, I kept flipping the hand looking and feeling for a clue. I am no hand expert. So that exercise was of no use. Still unsure. It was time to go, plans made. A play, next weekend. Far enough out of town that it would result in either a late night or an overnight. This brought on other nerves, as I had been on my own, no girl OR guy in my life since separation 3 years prior. I helped with coat, and we walked arm in arm outside towards her car.....

We made it to her car (I am saying her for now as non-gender pronouns are difficult to write sometimes) and the car itself was not a giveaway. A black Ford Escape. Pretty neutral. We stopped by the car and she reached up and out a hand loosely around my neck and other on my opposite side. I was still freaking out inside. In total flight mode.

She leaned in to kiss me goodnight and I veered to the left to kiss her cheek (and to feel for beard stubble), I pulled back and must have looked frightened as she commented on it. I made a joke but was almost certain that I HAD felt some stubble until she said my chapped lips were a little rough on her cheek, but they may not be on her lips....and she started leaning in again. This time she pulled me in with the hand on my neck and with her hand on my side. She was stronger than she looked. I noted that to myself. It felt like an eternity, the whole lean in seemed to take a minute or two and it gave my mind time to race to all kinds of conclusions or hypothesis. Our bodies were pressed together before our lips met and it was then I felt a distinct, a very distinct ...firmness pressing into my upper thigh. I jumped back ninja like, arms for some reason above my head.....where they stayed for a minute. Not sure why.

Thankfully, I looked funny enough to be laughed at, which she did. A lot.

So did I, as the nervous energy of the moment finally left me.

After laughing for what seemed minutes she was finally able to ask what happened and as I lowered my arms I told her the truth. That I wasn’t sure she was in fact a girl, and that at that moment I was pretty sure something was pressed against me that she shouldn’t have. Funny thing is she wasn’t insulted, but did laugh again. I was relieved that she did as she could have been very upset and made the whole thing worse.

She reached into her front pocket and pulled out the biggest phone I have ever seen. Looked like an iPad . She playfully pressed it into my thigh again, and then without warning and very quickly, grabbed my neck with both hands and kissed me. Hard. With tongue. A very good kiss.

She then turned hopped in her car, backed out of the spot and pulled up beside me, leaned out a little and in a husky voice said “I am a guy!”

Revved the engine and pulled away. Laughing.

I was just standing there. Mouth probably open. The kiss was very good. It had...turned me on a little...to a guy.

What the hell?

My phone dinged an instant later with a text, that read:

You idiot! I am a girl. See you at the play next weekend.

We ended up dating for almost 6 months.