Confliction

I’m very conflicted. I’m at a loss with where we stand right now. I don’t know much, but out of everything that I do know, I know that I love you. I know that you make me happy and I enjoy being in a relationship with you.

We’re approaching the mark of our first year anniversary and we keep asking each other how we feel about it. The honest truth is that I don’t even know anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I never want our relationship to have to end. I love being with you and spending time with you, but what I don’t love is all of the cheating that you do and the repetition of the same recurring situations. I know that you’ve never stopped. You lie to me all the time and you try to make me believe that you’ve stopped and that you’ve changed, but I know better. You’re very manipulative and I don’t deserve that.

I’m tired of always finding myself in this situation with you. If you can’t respect me enough to let go of your old habits, then we don’t need to be together. It’s toxic, and I don’t do toxicity. I don’t have time for toxicity. I can’t be with someone that only knows how to lie to me around the clock, 24 hours and 7 days a week.

It’s been 11 months and 8 of which you’ve spent being unfaithful, that I know of at least. I can’t be with someone that I can only trust 27% of the time. I want to be able to trust that you won’t do anything to deliberately hurt me behind closed doors but I can’t. I want to be able to trust that you won’t step out on me even though I’m doing everything to keep us afloat even when my guard is down and I’m not around but I can’t. You cheat on me while laying right next to me, of course you’ll continue to do it behind my back. I can’t even close my eyes to sleep at night and trust that you won’t creep on me, and combined with the visions of your scandals brought to me in my dreams, it’s enough to drive me insane.

I can’t be with someone that’s perfectly okay laying next to me in my bed every night knowing that they’ve been doing me dirt and not have a guilty bone in their entire body about it. That only shows that you don’t even respect me, and if you can’t respect me then there’s no way that you can love me.

You can’t control yourself, and that is perfectly okay. I’ve told you time and time again that if you needed more, just to say so. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I could never be enough for you a long time ago, but you told me that I could and I chose to try to believe you. That was a mistake on my end. You still get excited by other people and that’s where we’re different. Nobody gets me excited like you do, nobody even comes close to making me want to cheat on you. Of all the dudes that want me, still begging to be with me, just to even spend time with me and spoil me, I still only have a desire to have attention from you. The problem is that you still want every pretty bitch you see, and I only want you. I’m not willing to share either. So if it’s really just a plethora of bad bitches doing freaky shit and tricking on you that you want, by all means go get that. But please, let me go and leave me out of it if that’s what it’s going to be. I can’t waste any more of my time and resources on something that’s not serving me. Something that’s embarrassing me. I deserve to be loved wholeheartedly and to be loved out loud. Not someone’s little secret while they’re still out here acting single and giving other people attention that’s supposed to be reserved for me. You say I’m not your secret, but it’s only obvious that I am. You hide behind the illusion that you live a private life. But there’s a difference between being private about your relationship, and hiding your relationship. It’s obvious what this has become and what this means to you. I’m done competing with other bitches. I’m done competing with the game. I’m done competing with your sleeping habits. I’m done competing with your uncleanliness and unhygienic habits. Putting up with you and making sacrifices for you are only worth it if you’re loyal to me, but you’re not.

If I’m asking too much of you, that’s all you ever had to say. I don’t want to waste anymore of my time standing behind something that’s not standing behind me. I don’t want to work towards a future that’s destined for failure. If we keep going at the rate we’re going and I don’t put my foot down, it’s only going to get worse. I can’t afford that kind of mass destruction.

So again, once and for all....if this is not what you want, I need you to admit it and say it. If it’s become too much for you to handle and you bit off more than you could chew, I need you to admit it and say it. If you can’t let go of your playboy ways, I need you to admit it and say it. Because I can’t continue in a relationship that’s 73% composed of lies, deceit, and infidelity.