Carnalized Onion

This tale was written because of a spelling error during my interview with Heather Hubler, who decided it was best to leave it in the final draft. She in fact pointed it out to the readers. Was it funny that she left it in …yes. But I have received one too many smart-ass retorts to let it go on any further. Whilst trying to work on my writings, and complete my first novel, more than a few friends found the interview, and left me some provocative messages and colorful images.

Therefore, if you can’t fight them join them. This is for all of you who have fallen victim to a spelling faux pas.

“Do you know what the sexiest vegetable is?” Her sultry voice sent shivers throughout my body as painted nails raked along my bare chest.

I was feeling cocky and about to reply ‘Eggplant‘, then saw the serious look in her eyes. I wasn’t sure where this line of questioning was heading, so instead I hesitantly answered. “Baby carrot?”

She giggled, “No baby, onions are the sexiest.”

I did not like that answer at all, I sat up so fast she was tossed off the bed landing on the floor like a cat. Our eyes locked as I questioned her last statement. “Onions…..you think onions are sexy?”

Crawling back on the sheets like a leopard stocking its prey, she purred. “Oh, you have no idea, how sensual they are, and what you can do with them, let me show you how…”

Now I jumped off the bed, sphincter clenched, all passion quickly deflated and drained from my body, if you know what I mean.

An hour ago, I felt like I was the luckiest guy in the bar. When this beautiful women took my hand and brought me to her studio apartment. Now my heart was beating for a whole different reason.

Remaining calm I spoke quietly. ”I don’t think we know each other well enough to sexually plant ideas involving onions. Strawberries, chocolate and perhaps a little melting wax, but that is as adventurous as I get.”

Laughing so hard, her gorgeous body jiggled in all the right places. I believe she was trying to get a rise out of me.

Preparing to leave I reached for my clothes, taking my eyes off her for only a moment, it was all she needed. With a deft movement and some crazy jujitsu move, she pulled me onto the bed, flipped me on my back and was on me before I could breathe. Her long hair cascading over my face, she held my arms over my head. I was stretched out, vulnerable and loving it. That was until I heard a clicking noise and felt a pinch on both my wrists. I was hand cuffed to the headboard, splayed like jellyfish on the beach. Before my mind fully registered what was happening, this vixen rolled off the bed and had my left foot wrapped in a silk noose and tied to the lower bed post. The only protest I could muster was a few ineffective kicks from my right leg and a pleading whimper inquiring as to what was going on. Both useless.

Gliding around the room she smiled and disappeared into a walk-in closet.

Beads of sweat formed upon my brow, as she sauntered out, twirling a rope, wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and a sinister smile. I was about to scream when she silenced me, with a slight shake of her head. The rope began to twirl in her hand, I was mesmerized. With a swing and toss she lassoed my right leg in the noose. With a practiced movement she pulled it back, tying the rope to the headboard leaving me, shall we say, in a very vulnerable position?

She noticed my curiosity growing, amongst other things.

Was that wrong?

Without any explanation, dragging her fingertips along my body she whispered in my ear. "Do you want me to stop"?

In my mind I shouted 'Yes', but my head shook a resounding ‘No’ . In truth I was unsure as to which head was in charge.

Her kitchen was in view from my vantage point. I saw her reach under the counter pulling out a large bag of onions. Spanish, yellow, purple, green and if I wasn’t mistaken, a damn Walla Walla. With a sinister grin she pulled out a twelve-inch knife... maybe it was six inches. I was never good at judging size. Any ways, in her hand it looked huge.

My throat was dry, but I managed to say, “That’s a lot of onions.”

Without looking up she answered. “We’re going to need all of them honey.”

My interest was peaking, I watched with fascination as she chopped, diced, and spliced. Smiling at me, her eyes never left mine as she threw the remnants in a blender and whipped it into a froth.

I honestly had no idea where this was heading.

With a flourish I watched with fascination as she slid rings of purple onion in a hot pan, the sizzling sound reverberated throughout the room as the aroma of sautéed 'Allium cepa' tickled my senses.

Oh My!

Walking slowly over to me, with knife in hand She reached out and grasped me… clearly having a firm grip on my situation.

I may have whimpered a bit, wondering if I was to become braised and glazed. Instead, like an idiot I stuttered. ”I like caramelized onions.”

Her laugh was hysterical as she smiled and replied. “ Oh, honey, where I'm from, we Carnalize onions.”

She was trying to make this hard for me to resist yet fear of the unknown softened my desire to venture further.

When she asked if I was adventurous and willing to plunge into the unknown, in the end I heard myself whisper, "Yes…"?

“Yes”? She mewed,

While the acidic pungent compounds of this delightful bulbous delicacy were released in the air, decadent drops of juice dribbled upon my exposed skin, Sending a sensation throughout my body that I have never experienced before.

Finally caving in I cried out. ”Bring on the onions?

My heads began to throb, oh my god, I was in heaven, then hell… in the wrong place at the right time. I didn’t know what was up or down…..Well, that isn’t entirely true.

I can’t even begin to explain that night, other than to say my body and soul were peeled back, my layers exposed. On and on it went till I collapsed, limp, drained of all I had to give.

It’s funny that once the action is complete how the brain tries to process what had happened. Common sense once again takes control. No words were spoken as I gathered my clothes, with as much grace I could muster.

Although the reason for my tears were valid, I questioned if it was from shame or from those damn carnalized onions.

All I know, is that I smiled all the way home.

Thank You Heather. Your decision to leave the spelling error in was, like you, brilliant.

Jason

NOTE: carnalize transitive verb: car·nal·ize ˈkärnᵊlˌīz, ˈkȧn- : to make carnal -SENSUALIZE debase through carnal gratification.

Excerpt from the interview: "Any wood fire pizza. I am not a mushroom fan, but there is this one pizza I like called the carnivoran, spicy calabrese sausage, carnalized* onion, arugula, light on the meat. Best answer I can give you".

(*Note: this spelling error was too funny to change. What kind of onions?)

Defending my error:

Testosterone in Males as Enhanced by Onion (Allium Cepa L.)

by Ali Banihani- Jordan University of Science and Technology

Sexual Health: Onion is known as one of the greatest aphrodisiac foods, onion helps increase libido, and also strengthens the reproducing organs. Onions also increase the testosterone levels in the body and can help in increasing sexual stamina. Published online February 2019