Breaking the Cycle: Overcoming Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

What is the most obvious trait of avoidant attachment personality in intimate relationships?

It must always give people the feeling of rejecting others from afar, and the more they are moved, the more they want to escape.

Do you always appear cold and distant in relationships, sometimes talking endlessly and sometimes not saying a word?

Or, they will repeatedly push away the person they like, and sometimes they will imagine the future together, but later they will show that we have no future at all.

Will emphasize boundaries in relationships and dislike bringing lovers to meet family and friends.

There is a certain obsession with ideal lovers, such as fair skin and beautiful appearance, or tall and handsome.

Afraid of conflicts, accustomed to avoiding problems, and explodes at the slightest provocation.

Rarely express one's true feelings, and there will be no clear commitment to this relationship, such as "I love you".

I like to let people around me guess, preferably the kind that you can understand without me saying anything.

If you are always in a contradictory state when facing emotions, then you are most likely an "avoidant attachment personality", and your emotional life must also be terrible.

So, why does avoidant attachment style always behave so negatively in love?

Avoidant attachment style commonly uses deactivation strategies

This is because avoidant attachment styles often use deactivation strategies in relationships.

The so-called deactivation strategy refers to the unconscious suppression of intimate behavior or thoughts.

This means that people with avoidant attachment style will greatly suppress their attachment mechanism and weaken their need for intimacy with their loved ones.

For example, when being with a lover, they like to pick on each other's faults, dress poorly, and speak unpleasantly.

Not willing to say intimate words to significant others, such as I love you, I miss you.

Dating for several years, still not giving significant other a clear answer, not considering the future.

Likes to keep their own little secrets to defend their independence, even resisting physical contact and intimate contact.

After a romantic date, I didn't contact my lover for several days.

Therefore, due to the avoidant type always challenging their lover's bottom line in life, their love will always be in deep water and hot water, and they will not feel any sweetness in love.

But this doesn't mean that avoidant people don't need intimacy, it's just that they instinctively suppress these needs.

So, how can we break the inherent thinking of avoidant attachment?

Understand that you are "pseudo-independent".

In the hearts of avoidant attachment personality, there is a deep-rooted belief that "only oneself can be relied upon".

Sometimes I even feel that I don't need intimate relationships and can solve everything by myself.

In fact, the independence advocated by the avoidant type is not true independence, but "false independence".

In order to appear strong, one must pretend to be very independent.

Because true independence means that even if you have the ability to live your own life independently, you will still be attached to intimate people.

If independence only isolates oneself from the world, it is actually a manifestation of inner weakness.

Because there are various uncontrollable factors in a relationship. If one relies on the other person and enters the relationship, uncontrollable factors may occur, and one cannot control their own life as freely as they do, which will bring a sense of fear to oneself.

Therefore, many avoidant people will resist intimacy in relationships and avoid relying on anyone in order to protect their sense of security.

Therefore, people with avoidant attachment style should understand the difference between true independence and false independence. Don't miss the opportunity to achieve true independence and the possibility of establishing a better intimate relationship because of excessive pursuit of "false independence".

Understand that you will habitually misunderstand significant others

Firstly, people with avoidant attachment style need to be familiar with their own attachment traits. In other words, they need to understand that they are only good at seeing their partner's shortcomings and always fail to see their partner's strengths.

When you understand that you have such a fixed habit of thinking, you will intentionally adjust yourself in the relationship and become aware of your negative neglect towards your lover.

Because suppressing your own attachment mechanism is your habit, when you subconsciously want to nitpick the behavior of significant others, you have a certain awakening ability.

You must understand that this is your own activation strategy, which is destroying intimate relationships and your own emotions.

Avoidant people who want to build a good intimate relationship need to learn to take care of the feelings of significant others. Don't always ignore your partner's attachment and intimacy in love as dependent and non-independent behaviors.

Since you have chosen to enter into an intimate relationship, you should learn to experience it well and upgrade your inner self.

This not only makes oneself happier in intimate relationships, but also transforms oneself better and better.

Make a love gratitude list

This checklist can effectively remind you to break free from fixed thinking when interpreting significant others negatively.

Due to the long-term activation of the "deactivation strategy" by avoidant individuals, they are accustomed to avoiding intimacy and only seeing significant other bad behaviors.

A checklist can help you see clearly which behaviors are harming the relationship, which is not an easy thing to change.

Making a list may sound childish, but very few people can actually do it.

But if you really put it into practice and go back to the things that helped your relationship every night before going to bed, and what about the "deactivation strategy" that you initiated and suppressed your attachment mechanism.

After a long period of reviewing and summarizing experience, you will gradually truly achieve the goal of improving where there is a need and making progress where there is none.

By doing so, not only will your intimate relationship become happier and more harmonious, but you may also move on from a secure attachment style.

Because attachment styles are not fixed forever, if you are in a good intimate relationship, it is possible for you to transform into a secure type.

Write to the end

The healing of any internal trauma must be based on your own willingness to actively change.

If you do not save yourself, but expect significant others to heal yourself, then it is also difficult for you to get out of the spiritual dilemma.

Any type of attachment is just a type, and it is only a rough framework, but it is not the framework that frames the good or bad of our lives.

Understanding this framework is also to enable oneself to have the ability to break through and establish a better understanding of life.