BORING LIFE

I haven’t slept for days. You’d think I’d be in rougher shape than I am but my body feels amazing. I’ve been detoxing from about thirteen years of smoking weed every two hours, every day. I also just quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey, as well as gave up sugar and crap food, once again. I just really wanted a change. And I got it. I feel light as a feather, although since I’ve been making sure to eat lots of smoothies and vegetables during the feeding window between noon and eight pm, I haven’t lost any weight.

I imagine the toxins seeping out of me in the bathtub. When I did my breathing detoxifying exercises, yesterday, I couldn’t even finish it, I was dry heaving and nauseous. I didn’t even think to do it today, due to how tired my eyes are. What’s weird is that they feel great now, when I’m relaxing. But the idea of dealing with any human being in this state makes me cringe. I’ve found, the healthier I get, the less tolerance I have for other people’s crap, crappy lives, and crappy decisions. I think that’s why I started smoking weed and cigarettes in the first place: to be more like the idiotic masses. And it worked for awhile. A whole decade, in fact! I was a bona-fide idiotic moron, making all the wrong decisions and punishing myself all the while. And of course, slowing killing myself with the inhalation.

There is an idea that runs through society that we are all dying slowly, no matter what we do. I believed that for a long time, because that’s what the losers around me believed and I hadn’t yet decided to think for myself. I grew up in the worst brainwashing there is, the Wisconsin Synod Lutheran Church and after coming out of that Hell, I was hesitant to latch on to anything. So I thought I’d float about, but in all reality, no one floats about. You either take a stance in your mind or you soak up the horse shit that others rake all around you. Of course, I didn’t realize that. But that’s exactly what I was doing as I was inhaling and inhaling, day after day, murdering my self.

It’s only been a week and my horror regarding the pure distain I had for my own existence grows with each passing hour. Who was it that convinced me I was worthless and doomed to die a lonely, sad, stupid existence? Was it my parents? Was it the pastor? Was it the school? Was it the government? Was it myself? Was it my peers; my friends or enemies? As most answers go, it was all of these entities. All rolled into one on-going experience of life so that dissecting it and placing true blame is impossible. I realize I don’t need blame, anyway. I just need change. I have woken up to find myself in a place surrounded by morons. I recognize that I was a moron, even up until a few days ago, and likely still am very much a moron. But not the same way. I have spent some heavy hours examining myself and found out that I am extremely bodacious and I always have been. Connections from my most inspired moments are wafting back into my consciousness and I realize that my real self; my eternal, badass, huge aura, unconscious desires, darkness-speckled-with-lightness-self is nothing less than an Ultimate God of Wrath. Pretty cool, huh? To me, yes, to those around me….not so much. So long story short, I need to get the hell out of here.