Big fish in a little pond

I am both black and white - a rich blend of complex histories and untold stories. I've always prided myself on the fact that I come from 2 worlds and thought I navigated both with some measure of success. Well, how wrong was I?

In 2019 I relocated to central Queensland for work. My other half had lived in the area for 3 months prior to my move but his work contract ended when mine began so we were like 2 ships passing in the middle of the night trying to make land somewhere. So it just happened that I was to start a new job in a new location and with no personal support.

I wasn't fazed by the situation though but rather looked forward to a sea change. Prior to the move, I lived in the Cairns area so I had both National Park rainforests and the waters of the Great Barrier Reef on both sides of me. Also, Cairns had such a high Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander presence that I couldn't turn a corner without seeing a black face like mine and being of Torres Strait Island descent, my family were confidants and my social circles included cousins as well as friends. There was also a type of humour shared amongst locals in far north Queensland regardless of race. Its mix of sarcasm and slang, self-deprecation and self-confidence, and mateship and story-telling were unique to the north.

It wasn't long in the new job that I realized no one understood this humour. Colloquialism was foreign and not too many of my new co-workers laughed. In fact, as I write this I can't think of a time we shared moments in laughter. There was a heaviness over the place and people's moods shifted when they entered the office. Being a counseling service for victims of domestic and family violence, it often felt as though sadness and pain lingered long after clients left. I suggested the building needed a good "smoking ceremony" to cleanse it of the negativity but no one seemed to agree. Fortunately, I was not in the office all day every day. My job did not involve counseling in a clinical setting, per se, but rather I supported families on outreach in navigating services and expanding their community networks to avoid entering the child protection system.

I quickly learned my presence in the organization was somewhat tokenistic. The CEO had taken me to meet services in a neighbouring town and when the manager of a community centre commented that it was a "good thing" having an Indigenous social worker on board, the CEO pretended to tick a box in the air and said that when he saw in my application that I was a Torres Strait Islander, he had to hire me. The manager frowned and I felt her unease as she was of Aboriginal descent herself. I felt as though my skill set and qualifications were not merited and that I was simply hired because of the colour of my skin... and that took place within the first 3 weeks of my employment! A couple of months following that, when the CEO was looking at writing a statement for the organization's engagement of, and work with, Indigenous Australian clients, he chose to ask a staff member who hailed from New Zealand rather than the only Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander person who worked in the place - me!

I persevered though and the CEO was later asked to leave by the Committee for reasons I did not care to know. However, it was still hard finding my place amongst the co-workers that were still there. Right from the very beginning, there was a clique of counselors who were very close-knit and went to little cafes and spent weekend mornings together exercising. They all had partners and dogs and would get manicures and pedicures and their hair done and go sailing or to the beach or hiking.

I may have ventured out onto the ocean or into a gym if I had the safety of my partner's presence around me, but I simply did not feel safe enough with that group to do something new, so I didn't. Not that I didn't do anything new at all. I actually joined NIA dance and went to Kundalini yoga and learned breathing techniques. I even shared the experiences with my co-workers but they weren't interested in breaking their routine and joining me, and I didn't mind in the slightest. They were busy with work during the week and this busyness went well into their weekends which was something I was neither familiar with nor willing to do myself. So, I often declined their invitations to join them in their activities together.

They also stopped inviting me which I appreciated, however, I didn't appreciate the exclusions that began to take place in the workplace as well. But I just kept my head down and worked when it was time to work, and did what I enjoyed when it was time to relax. A couple of months into my employment with this organization, my position expanded to include a part-timer as the number of referrals exceeded my capacity. That's when Kate entered my life.

Kate was a breath of fresh air. She traveled from another state with her husband and 2 small sons. She was almost 10 years younger than me but right from the very beginning, something clicked between us. Kate joined me on a Sunday morning in NIA dance classes and we laughed so much. Our work took us on 4-hour road trips and we talked about life, tarot, soul tribes, crystals, love, politics, children... everything.

Kate was the complete opposite to me - she was tiny, with straight blond hair and blue eyes, and loved the beach and sunshine. I was curvy, with curly brown hair and brown eyes, and loved freshwater creeks and rainy days. Yet we understood and genuinely cared about each other. Her husband was equally easy to get on with. He rescued me when I locked myself out of the house and she rescued me when I felt the ignorance of others overwhelm.

I was the only Indigenous Australian in that workplace while at least 1 other hailed from New Zealand. Comments about Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander men were often made in judgment by 1 co-worker in particular who worked out of the Domestic Violence (DV) Court. I recall on 1 occasion asking her "You do know that DV is not our way?". Her reaction was quick and blunt... "How traditional are they then?". I was surprised by that but proceeded to tell her about the impacts of colonialism and the Stolen Generation on Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander individuals, families and, communities. She had lived in Australia for around 20 years so I wasn't even sure she knew about this, but it didn't interest her. She just said that she felt "they" weren't receptive to her because she was a "white woman" with an accent. That almost broke my heart because I could see again the expectation that others had to meet her "need" rather than her being the professional and meeting them at theirs.

It was during moments like this that I felt most misunderstood. Thank God for Kate. However, our time together was cut short and she and the family relocated back to Adelaide on New Year's Day 2020. That was fortunate for her as the pandemic shut borders a couple of months later. Also, a side note: the co-worker that took on the position at DV Court when the other stepped into a counseling role was able to bridge gaps, build relationships and meet client needs even though she, too, was a "white woman".

There were so many other comments and events whilst working in that organization that led me down a dark path. There was the subtle bullying - those who would not communicate with me at all... no eye contact, no good mornings or hellos, no check-ins or quick chats. It was surreal in a way as I had never experienced exclusion such as this in a workplace. For every co-worker's birthday that was celebrated, they received a decorated cake that the "team" shared over morning or afternoon tea with other snacks and a birthday song and wish. I received a plain sponge cake and only half of the "team" showed up. I honestly felt disliked and not welcomed simply because I did not engage in any outside-work activities with them.

I began external supervision with a transgender man who was trauma-informed and uplifting. We had met at a workshop he had run locally and then agreed to supervision via Zoom as he lived in a different state.

I knew from past experiences that when it came to my stress response, I was a "flight" person - the quickening of my heart rate, trembling, my body preparing to "flee" from any perceived dangers. It was my default, and very automatic, response to stress so even when my life wasn't in danger, I often wanted to run whenever I knew I did not fit into the environment or relationship.

This man helped me look at my default response to stress in a new way. I had always thought that my "flight" response to perceived danger was a negative one that needed to be controlled. However, my supervisor taught me that "flight" was a natural response designed to help me survive. It was what I did following the bodily response that was maladaptive rather than adaptive to the situation at hand. We talked through different ways I was, and could continue, to "honour my flight mode".

So I learned that my job, although I had attached the dislike of the environment to it and wanted to leave, was helpful as it involved a lot of outreach and I loved a road trip and often re-centred and re-adjusted when driving. The job was actually helping me to adapt to the perceived threats in my work environment.

My home was my sanctuary and prior to Covid shutting down regions in the state, 3 of my adult children arrived on my doorstep, and the house filled with light and laughter once more. So retreating to my sanctuary and choosing to not engage with my co-workers in outside-work activities, which I did not personally enjoy because the activities seemed so busy to me, also was helping me cope.

Sundays were extra helpful days when restrictions eased as NIA dance helped loosen tension and got the energy flowing again through movement and music. Weekend days taking short road trips to Flagstaff Hill and Horseshoe Bay in Bowen, or to Conway Beach and Cedar Creek Falls, also helped.

However, it wasn't long before things fell apart again. The "team" of co-workers kept pushing for a Service Lead which we did need as after the CEO was ousted, another man stepped into the Acting CEO position with very little counseling and trauma experience. The "team" wanted to be led by my external supervisor as they all got to experience his leadership and guidance during the workshop. The Acting CEO was happy to agree so after some negotiations, my external supervisor also became our Acting Service Lead.

That was when little "seeds" were planted and some began to take root as the same questions were asked more often. I was asked if I was privy to some leadership decisions because I got to meet with our Acting Service Lead as my external supervisor as well. He also began supervision with the co-worker who consistently would not make eye contact or conversation with me. Yet, she was not asked this same question. I was asked if it was "strange" seeing him in 2 different roles... as though I was struggling to differentiate the 2. The nit-picking and seed-planting were subtle yet very cunning.

The "team" also decided that they were not happy with the way the Acting CEO was running the place - he often did use inappropriate terms like "girls" when addressing us and would talk over people as well as have the last say. This was discussed at a "team" meeting prior to a staff meeting with management and the Acting CEO. So I suggested we discuss this with him face-to-face but they chose to write a draft of their complaints to present to him at a future date. I advised them that I would struggle with this as I was the type of person to address an issue as soon as possible. I also advised that based on our knowledge of him, he appreciated conversation rather than long written statements. He actually was a politician prior to his assignment as Acting CEO.

However, the co-worker who made comments about Indigenous men to me, told me I was to "keep my mouth shut... not say a word... and sit quietly next to her" at the staff meeting. I did, of course, with my body trembling and my heart racing, and every cell in my body screaming to run. That day pretty much spelled the end of my trying to stay employed with that organization. I began looking for work back in Cairns and "avoided" the office as much as possible by increasing my outreach service.

The last "team" meeting we had approximately 2 weeks later, with my external supervisor leading as our Acting Service Lead, still had not produced this report that they said they wanted to present to the Acting CEO. Yet they all complained about him to the Acting Service Lead and all these complaints had not changed from the previous ones. That day my default response flipped from "flight" to "fight". This time, with a trembling body and racing heart, I did not "keep my mouth shut...and sit quietly". I said a lot of words and most were filter-free. The co-worker with the heavy comments and her side-kick tried to placate me and made suggestions on how I should have reached out to them when I told them I was tired of them going around in circles. Once again - that expectation that others had to meet their needs rather than them being "team" mates and meeting others at theirs. I told them directly they talked the talk but did not walk the walk.

It did not end well.

There were tears and after another painful month, I quietly moved on with very little fanfare and noise.

So, what 3 things did I learn from this experience...

1. Know your worth and stand on that ground

When you know what you bring to the table, no other dish served will stop you from enjoying the meal.

I learned to enjoy the job despite a strong possibility I was hired as the tokenistic Indigenous worker rather than based on the merits of my skill set and qualifications. The fact I was overlooked to write a statement about working with my own people reflected a culture of ignorance in our capacity for intelligent thought.

I learned to appreciate my body's natural responses to stress and embrace it rather than try to control it. This opened the door to loving myself more, especially on those challenging days, and forgiving myself when the ingrained maladaptive behaviours reared their head to protect me from harm.

I learned that those who don't like you saying "no" to them usually have an agenda that is more of a reflection of their need to be liked and in control. After all, those who seek genuine friendship would respect your "no" and not take it personally. They would also ask you what you would like to do rather than only invite you to what they want you to do.

I learned that I am fine with not getting an apology. A few months back I reached out to the ex-coworker who made those comments about Indigenous men and more to me. I felt a need to apologize for the way I spoke to her at that meeting and her reaction was "that's okay". She did not offer me an apology in return but I was fine with that. The apology I made to her was for me... it was my way of letting that time stay in that space and place and not find context in where I was when I reached out to her. It was for my healing.

Finally, I learned that my intuition always had my back. When my external supervisor became our Acting Service Lead and little "seeds" were planted around the workplace regarding my capacity to differentiate between his 2 roles and if I was given information before everyone else, my intuition saw this for what it was and I danced and laughed and loved that energy away. They may have taken root in other people's minds, but in mine, they fell mostly on rocky ground and did not grow.

2. Know your "Kate" and spend time with her

Kate helped me find my smile again. She also helped me find my courage, humour, and hope. We have since talked about our chance meeting - after all, we both just happened to be in the Whitsundays working for the same organization and in the same position for a short period of time - and we're still surprised by how quickly we clicked. On reflection, if it was not for Kate, I would not have endured and I would not have learned many of the lessons I needed to learn so the timing of our meeting was meaningful.

Kate was my encourager - she saw my worth and made sure I did not lose sight of it. She provided perspective and helped me look at every setback as a setup for something bigger and better. Kate helped me feel valued, worthy, seen, heard, and supported. We celebrated each other's wins, no matter how small, and shared our fears, no matter how large. We laughed and danced, shared stories and secrets. She brought some light into the darkness and for that, I will never forget her.

3. Know who you can talk to outside of your environment and do it

My external supervisor turned Acting Service Lead was this person for me. He taught me how to look at my stress response in a new way and this opened the world for me. I was able to give an external platform to my inner voice and learned that shutting it off often led to distorted thinking and self-doubt. The inner voice that is made to stay quiet will eventually scream and all those exaggerated thoughts will be publicly examined, so I have learned that it is better to do this often in a quiet private space through critical self-reflection rather than when overwhelmed with emotion.

Being true to yourself is Lifehack #1

“The most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our heads of something that we know in our hearts is a lie.” ~Karen Moning

Feeling out-of-place is part of the human experience however, reaching out to the misfits should be as well. It takes courage to move to a new location, start a new job, make new friends and simply try and find your place and space in this world. But if we don't try, we don't learn... we don't discover our worth, our strength, and our voice. So we are better for trying... and trying again... and again.

After trying quite a few times and falling short of my expectations, I've learned kindness goes a long way. Being honest with myself, sharing my inner thoughts and feelings, honouring my "flight" response, listening to my intuition and, seeking personal growth not only permitted kindness to myself but matured and increased this kindness to touch others.

I learned that when I was kind to myself the right people tended to gravitate towards me, as I to them, and no longer did I have to struggle with feeling like a fish out of water.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. If you enjoyed it, please send me a like by clicking the heart below or by sending a tip. I appreciate your support.