Baby Boot

Clutching my boarding pass and manila envelope I honestly had no idea what to expect in 2013. I had just swore into the Navy, and I was getting ready to head to bootcamp in Great Lakes, IL. All I knew was that I was ready to leave Saint Louis, MO for good. Truthfully wasn't really planning on joining the military at least I never saw it as an option for me. I however had no plan other than doing the traditional college route. My grandpa served in the Army and his best friend was in the Marine Corps in Vietnam during a much different time in our society.

Prior to this moment I was heading down a literal path of destruction in my life. I was drinking a ton- like borderline alcoholic and I was dancing at a local strip club just to make ends meet. It's not one of my proudest moments, but I didn't have a solid family support structure at the time to help me. I was working through childhood abuse, foster care, and it felt like I was wandering around the planet just trying to make it through the day.

I had been working at the local grocery store simultaneously and I was barely making $7.50 an hour at the time. It just wasn't enough to survive, and eventually I found myself living out of my car in the local 24 hour parking lots. Or showering at the YMCA because I was still on my aunt and uncle's gym membership. My home was my 1994 Ford Taurus and honestly I was just super tired of not being able to plant down roots. My body was physically exhausted, so when the universe sent me a mercy card of joining the military I took it.

I remember on Facebook back in May of 2013, my friend Travis hit me up. I hadn't spoken to him in a long time but he was coming into town on recruiting duty and was wondering if we could hang out. It was honestly so refreshing to see a familiar face after everything I had been through. While we were riding around in his car, I remember him asking me if we could make a pit stop at the recruiter's office to drop some stuff off on our way back to his place.

As I sat in his car outside, I remember him eventually coming outside after 30 minutes of me waiting and saying, "Hey it's going to be a minute, they are finishing up some paper work. Wanna step inside?"

Honestly in that moment, I had no idea I would walk into the beginning moment of something bigger than myself. As I went through the door there was Petty Officer Smith who had the biggest smile on his face. I thought he was just being nice, but the minute that man started laying out real "adulting" type issues like health insurance, clothes, and a solid paycheck with travel it didn't take much convincing myself that this was the right direction to go down.

Eventually I settled into being a Hospital Corpsman (HM) in the Navy, and was super excited! I had some medical background due to a head start program, but it never panned out. So when I heard I would be doing medical for my job I was beyond thrilled.

The most shocked of them all was my grandpa when I told him about what was going on. Because truthfully it was random and I had zero interest in the military prior to that particular moment. So when I sat down at the kitchen table and told him what I did his jaw hit the floor. He was a man of few words but when he finally did talk all I heard was, "Well I'll be damned." Him and grandma wanted me to succeed, and were genuinely worried about me. So the military in his mind was the one thing that would straighten me out.

Your recruiters warn you ahead of time what it will be like to go to boot camp. You can watch all the documentaries of what to expect but the reality is, nothing prepares for the nerves you feel when you finally swear in and load up on a bus to head to the air port. Your manila envelope contains your orders, boarding pass, and other official documents. The reality was slowly setting in. I only had one opportunity to back down but I wasn't allowing my fears to get me.

Finally I settled in on my flight heading to Chicago O'Hare. All I could feel was my heart pounding in my chest. I knew when I landed I was in for hell. Like what was I getting myself into. I really had this back and forth conversation happening in my head as I was on the tarmac. Everything was telling me to get off the plane while I had the chance.

That internal dialogue of You don't belong, but if you don't there is still nothing here for you. You can't fail. No one can know your weaknesses. Everyone is still going to be where they were when you left them. Still on the same porch, smoking the same weed, waiting for you to join them. If you fail you will have to keep dancing. You really want to let down your grandpa?

I mean that conversation I had with myself was brutal and it happened the entire flight. Through the offering of cookies, and the lack of sleep I just sat and paced in my head over and over again. I was having deep levels of anxiety. See sometimes our minds play tricks on us when we go through trauma. We assume that our surroundings are all we are worth, when in reality it's the one thing that sometimes can hold us back. So I knew that by stepping up and leaving everything behind it was going to only benefit me.

Once the pilot came over head and told us we were getting ready to land, I sort of felt that was the shortest flight I had ever gone on. My adrenaline was pumping and I was sweating. With every fleeting thought from mind of turning back, I still kept putting one foot in front of the other. My body stayed. I waited. And eventually we made it to the USO at the airport.

I always wondered sometimes when I would see others who were going through the airport what was their story. To them I was just another person passing through, but in reality I was about to embark on the next huge chapter in my life.

Eventually I did make it through bootcamp, and I was actually stationed in multiple spots throughout the country over the next 5 years. But in reality I am proud of myself for not caving in to that little voice in my head telling me I couldn't do it. No matter who is going to bootcamp or where they were coming from before going in- every airman, sailor, soldier, marine, and coastie will all say that same thing.

That flight heading to basic is the single most nerve wracking flight you will ever go through.

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-Kayla