Authentic Self

"I know this is a meaningful time for you and I want you to know that I am here for you and for whatever you may need," is a sentence I offer to my patients on a regular basis. Whatever "here" may represent, I'm here. I give all I can possibly offer. As I drive home, there are days where I cry and some where I smile. Remembering what I've offered and what I've given, days I thought I had nothing to offer at all. Coming home and having nothing left. "What's for supper?" Good question. I haven't got a clue... Because I've had something else entirely on my mind. The patient, who's baby's heart was decelerating, or the patient who, at 28 weeks’ gestation presented with severe bleeding, asked me to be present for them and have gotten all that I could give for that day. I wouldn't trade it for anything else but have been drained of all that I have. When you ask me what my genuine/authentic self resembles... I see myself, offering my love, support, empathy and understanding to an individual having the best or worst day of their life. Though this may sound extremely vague to some, the demands of each person are extremely precise, and I always do my best to offer my 100%. Whether it be at work, with a patient, or at home with my significant other, or with my mother, father, dear friend, etc. Whatever someone may need, if they ask, I'm here. I'd give my soul, heart or whatever else, for someone I care about. The thing is... I tend to care a lot, for anyone, that is. I've lost myself multiple times through the process, offering more than I could give. "Why?" I've been asked this question a lot. "They're not worth it," is another comment I've gotten multiple times... Who am I to judge or decide if a person is worth of my love, energy and/or empathy? Because truly, I believe everyone deserves a chance, a second chance and/or even a third, fourth, fifth, etc. chance. What if they get it right on their fiftieth chance? What if I had given up on them on their second, third or fourth try? I know... It's a lot to give to one individual, but what if it was worth it? What if this was exactly what this person needed to make it in life? And what if I had withheld that from them? I'm slowly becoming aware that establishing our limits is a crucial, if not survival and primal necessity. Needless to say, this is very challenging. As a child, I'd often wondered if there was a God 'out there' and I'd ask if there was a way for me to 'sacrifice' my existence to end suffering of all living beings. As I think back to this now, I realize that my younger, ignorant, self was making a birthday wish that'd never come true, as I'm still here, and suffering is still very much present. I often wondered, what if there was another way for 'self-sacrifice'... What if I dedicated myself to others? So, I became a nurse. New to the profession, I'm realizing that suffering comes in all shapes and forms and that no matter how I try to erase it, it just isn't possible, but assisting and offering my support is the best gift I can possibly offer. Though, with this comes the undeniable knowledge that there is a vice accompanied with giving so much... The risk that comes with this is losing yourself partially, if not, completely. So, here I am trying to find a 'balance' in giving just enough, but not too much. I've learned, there are things you give away that you can’t ever get back whole.