An Open letter

You probably don't want to hear from me; I don't want to hear from you. However, I had some words in my heart that I knew had to be let free. Words that I can't hold in anymore, nor do I want to try. We had so much going for us; there was friendship and genuine love. There was an openness that I had felt with others, but thought was new with you. Some fights always made me think I would lose you, so I clung when we fought, scared to let go, thinking you'd go.

Somewhere along the jealousy and insecurity, we lost ourselves. I remember the day I became scared of you. I remember you slamming the door multiple times, yelling at me. I remember thinking, " I won't see my daughter again." And asking you to let me leave. There was a fire in your eyes, and the words didn't make sense anymore. I was so scared and resent you for being that way with me. I didn't recognize you when it was contorted with so much anger. I knew I had seen it before; in some of our arguments, I had glimpses of what you could do. While I forgive you, I will never forget what you did. The way you made me feel. The helplessness and not good enough way you'd remind me that you used to date many girls. You'd tell me I was a liar when I knew I was telling the truth. Even more so, how you fight me over stupid things and ignore me for hours or days. Finally, when I was strong enough to let you go, you couldn't handle it. You made it more problematic when you pretended to change. I knew it was a game, and I wouldn't play. I let you go. We had a dream, and it died.

Now that I have gone over some of my issues with the relationship itself, just in case you forgot. I am not claiming I was great, but I will let you know I went to therapy and worked on my shit. Which is what I hope you do too. I know that many people always want to look up our ex and see that they got fat and are unhappy. That's not what I hope for. I hope you're happy and you get everything you want. I hope, though, that you don't put a girl through what you did to me. I hope a girl is never stuck in your apartment and scared she won't make it out. Or think about how loud she can scream before you try to kill her and hope someone hears. I hope that all of that stops you in your tracks.

All you did was make me stronger. I remember talking to my husband about this and telling him what had happened. I remember the sadness on his face when I told him how scared I was when I deleted all my social media so I couldn't be tracked. When we moved so, I couldn't be found. My husband was my best friend through all that, though I could see it hurt him too. When the feelings were complicated and hard to deal with, I emerged stronger and wiser. So I don't regret you. I will thank you. I am better because I left you; you will be better too. That has been heavy on my mind; I want you to be happy. I want you to be satisfied, not at my table or circle. Because I am glad. I have everything I want, from a man who respects and loves me to a man who will do anything for my baby. I am better after leaving you and hope you are better too.