Am I Unlovable or Unable to Love? A Realization of What Love Means To Me

On other days, I believe love is made up to distract us. Neither of those is true love, as both can be taken away and distorted and manipulated, which is not love.

Over the past year, I have tried to process and analyze what happened in my previous relationship. As many days, I feel that I have already pulled myself up from the pits of hell, and isn’t that good enough?

Isn´t that self-love?

Well, no, it was me again not investigating what was at the bottom of that pit that I was escaping. Instead, I thought that to love, you have to have someone to love.

I realize it is part of it, but love is never about finding someone to fit in with what you think, and if you give it, you must receive it, too; it is not love and is only a transactional relationship.

I took the past year to essentially date myself and figure out that the broken pieces I hold inside of me are only reflecting that of another. For so many years, I looked for love in other places, in other people, and anything except within myself.

A year off from dating and men and being with myself.

Even if I thought that I was miserable, I still did it. I did not find distraction and run into other arms, even though that would have been the easier choice, but not the right option.

For so many years, that is what I did; I was a serial monogomist. I hopped from one to another and thought that was normal, but it slowly broke me.

It slowly made me fall into that deep, dark hole that no matter how much alcohol I consumed or how many men I dated, the deep void remained.

This year was the year of trying to figure out why I still felt so fucked up and why I was not healing.

Or was I?

And having friends who embody love to show me what love is.

Love is letting go; love is not some self-help bullshit and self-care day. For me, love is going into that darkness that I once lived and trying to figure out why these pieces are all over, why the reflections are dull, why you feel so empty when you have it all here, inside; it’s just a bit scattered.

My entire year was random, and as I look back on each moment. Each moment, I made a healthy decision, a small piece of the puzzle slowly rebuilding. It was like a magnet; each time I chose love for myself, they slowly rose.

Love is not about being in a relationship to find yourself; for me, it is seeing yourself.

Over the years of not dealing with what was happening in my life and using booze to drown out the feelings of sadness, I realized I needed to feel all these feelings.

To not drown them, as each feeling we have is genuine.

You can not take a shortcut, or you will remain in that dark place. One that I thought I had crawled out of, but I was still not whole, and when I went through yet another heartbreak, it was like a kick in the face, which pushed me further down into the hole.

Yet I was wrong; I was only on the ground to pick up the pieces that had shattered years ago. I had nothing to give because I needed to pick up the pieces inside of me first.

Fortunately, I was in a relationship that showed me a side of me that needed to heal.

I have always been cold and distant and even hard, for much of my life. I thought that if I remained that way, no one could touch or hurt me, except I was wrong.

The only way out of the hole was to pick up each piece I felt was broken and allow the magnet to replace it as if a leaf that was wilted, you give it daily water, and eventually, it will become new and maybe bloom.

I was that wilted flower, waiting to bloom but feeling impossible, yet it was not.

I realized the way to the top of the hole was through each piece I picked up, each little corner I tucked away to never look at again to pick it up, face it, and allow it to heal slowly and piece by piece; I will be whole again.

Except for love, that is the hardest; I thought to love, I must have love back.

I do not.

I had to go through all the good, bad, and ugly feelings to get through this. The good I had was a man who allowed me to soften into him; he allowed me to be tender and embrace the feminine energy I held.

I let the hard shell open and allowed another into my heart, which he did and allowed.

Healing another piece, and as I looked back and took the blame for the breakup, I realized how much I had gained from him in my life, and I will forever love that he had given me that gift of love. For not only others but for myself, the awareness of the situation.

Except I just realized it this week.

I had to beat myself up and try to bypass the feelings. Love is a state of being for me, not simply a feeling. I had to go through the emotions and realize that I embody love. It is not a fleeting feeling, yet it is the purest form of who we are, the essence of truth.

I can give love to another without expecting the outcome; love is not transactional as I once treated it. As soon as I realized I could still love him and let him go, it was almost as if I felt like levitating off of my bed as the pieces inside of me slowly rebuilt.

The nightmares went away, the attachment I had felt went away, and the simplest form of being human was left — a love in the purest form, given and held inside.

Love can not be taken away.

The illusion of not being able to open up again because I will be hurt is an illusion and stems from fear and anxiety, but it is false and fake. It becomes clear if you embrace love as it is, without any strings attached.

I felt a click inside my body and realized if you fill your heart with love, there is no room for fear or loss, as that is a fleeting emotion, as is lust, which I have confused as love for most of my life.

It may be simply a small step, but for someone who has never indeed embodied love in its entirety, it was a huge revelation for me.

So, my year of simply dating myself and looking inward, even if I thought this was not working, I would never heal, that was all a lie.

Love is a state of being, not a fleeting feeling for me. It is much deeper.

As I move forward, I will be more aware and conscious of what I allow into my life, as not everyone has good intentions.

For me, a significant leap forward, with the help of a good friend who always shines the light on me by being her, who also lives in her heart. I have never thought that was my ¨thing¨ it was reserved for special people, but I am slowly transitioning.

Yes, of course, as I continue this road and people enter, it will be challenging, but if I remember, no one can ever take your love, and any emotions that elicit fear or loss are not true to the core of who I am.

My core was full of fear, and as the pieces came together slowly over the year and then congealed last night, love had no room for fear.

I believe love is not made up to distract us, but it is a fundamental element needed in life.

And the one person you must love is yourself, in the purest form, not the bullshit made-up way that is quickly taken away, as love can not be taken away.

It is the first time in a long time that I have not felt the weight of my world on my shoulders with a straightforward act.

I will dedicate the next year to taking baby steps in practicing grace, gratitude, forgiveness, and, of course, play!

XOXO

S