Abandonment Issues & feeling safe

"Hey, I've got to leave for work soon" If you've heard this statement and it hits like a punch in the gut you might have similar problems to me. I am 20 years old and constantly pondering why I feel certain emotions when specific cycles occur and where they source in my childhood.

Recently I uncovered my abandonment issues and my problems with feeling safe once someone I care about leaves. I understand this stems from the old days when my mother would leave me alone with my brothers or even by myself and I would be terrified of the world. The creepy sounds around my home or weird light flickers, crazy dreams, and waking up to no one being around me to hear me talk about these experiences shake me to my core, and every time someone leaves or I have to leave someone I get those same feelings I once had when I would be left all alone.

It's an empty but alerting feeling in the pit of my stomach. Deep fear I like to call it. I listen to music to cope or make art to make myself feel less alone but it never goes away fully until I call a friend that makes me laugh or cuddle with my companion. Much of my love stems from this fear of being alone and abandoned again because it occurred so much as a young adolescent. I was always plagued with the duty of entertaining myself and making something great of myself. That's what I was always told to do. Learn something, read something, come up with ideas, this is what my mother would tell me repeatedly. Often I could never focus on the information because of the crippling anxiety caused by my feelings of insecurity and lack of safety. I always thought if I died right now no one could have helped save me. I of course now understand that it is on me to save my own life if it were to get to that point and constantly looking for a savior is my lack of control in my environment taking a seat in the driver's seat and I need to learn to emotionally regulate. These feelings of inadequacy paired with instability and lack of safety have caused me to make quick brash decisions just to run from the feeling of being alone and not safe.

I find myself counting down the seconds until I see her face or until my friends call me to say they're proud of me and they want to hang out again. It's all I can think about and every time I sit with these feelings I want to cry and wait for the pain to stop. These memories are extremely emotionally charged and I wish they did not hurt me as much as they do. Nowadays all I feel is pain, worry, and fear although I am living exactly how I wanted 2 years ago. Now all I want is love and forever companionship with the one I love and that loves me. I want to escape the regular life and live a peaceful life away from everyone and everything. I never want to feel alone again. This pit in my stomach tosses and turns over and over making me play back the wrongdoings people have done to me and the wrongdoings I have done to them.

I don't know boundaries because of this distrust in the world around me to keep me safe. I am constantly anxious and in fear of what could happen and I never believe what has happened. People tell me things and I never trust a word they say because everyone seems to be thinking of themselves anyway. Not even worried about how I am feeling or doing. I try to eliminate the stresses from my life so I can focus on what matters to me and I can function in this society and produce good work and an even better character, but it all just gets too overwhelming and I constantly feel like I am compensating some version of myself for my desires.

I am lost.