A very stupid story, just to annoy you.

Once upon a time (like a couple years ago, I think) there was a dad who was also a writer, who was up way too late writing stories for a vocal+ contest about aquariums.

Normally he wrote cheesy horror stories or even cheesier poetry.

Ya know what? Enough pretense—

That cheesy writer guy? He’s me.

And I gotta confess. The backstory here is irrelevant. In fact, it’s less than irrelevant: it’s misdirection.

I’m literally only using this space to torture each and every reader with a God-awful submission to the current “I made it worse” confessions challenge.

What makes it a God-awful submission? Well…

It’s a rewrite of something I submitted years ago. So even though I’m putting in effort on the rewrite, it’s still kinda lazy.

But that’s not the worst of it.

It’s also literally just a too-long collection of terrible puns, about aquatic life.

And that’s my confession. I can’t think of anything great to write that will fit the theme for this particular contest. So I’m recycling something that wasn’t very good to begin with!

Not just lazy. Lazy and SHELLFISH!

In fact the original was so bad, one might say it’s off the SCALE.

And if you think that was lame, the worst is yet to CHUM!

Yeah that's kinda FISHY I know. But I simply can’t SPAWN anything better. Still, I’m sure this confession won’t fit the theme enough to win. It probably won’t even make a SPLASH… but what the hell, why KNOT try?

I might as well… get my feet wet and test the waters, right?

You want me to stop before I begin? Go ahead and MAKO me!

Cuz what the worst that can happen? Maybe this story TANKs… so what?

Anyway here ya go, undeserving reader, prepare to suffer all of these bad puns that FILTERED up during that aquarium challenge.

And trust me they’ll be bad.

You see, I’ve already realized I’m... in over my head. Swimming against the current. One might even say I am FLOUNDERing.

See, trying to focus on this… murky concept has me already kinda DRIFTING away.

I don’t even know how to REEL this story back in.

Too many words are FLOATING through my mind. Trying to write coherently with nothing but bad puns? Definitely feels like... swimming against the current.

Any fellow writers on here ever been in the same BOAT?

Being at a loss for words?

It’s okay if you’re embarrassed. Don’t be KOI. I won’t make you feel bad. I’m not trying to act like a CLOWNFISH. Still, if you don’t want to admit to the occasional writers block, you don’t have to. You can protect your ANEMONE-ty.

Well here I am. I feel like my story is SINKING. Almost like I can’t… keep my head above water.

But I have to keep on keeping on, even if this isn’t SMOOTH SAILING. I mean, there is a chance, however small, that if I finish this story, it could place in the confessions contest! I mean the first place winner stands to take home something like 200 SAND DOLLARS. If I won that I’d be EELated. That kinda money would really turn the TIDE for a broke CRAWDAD like me. I mean, not to get all BLUBBERY, but i've got three little URCHINS of my own, and those GUPPIES need to eat! and holy MACKEREL are these SQUIDS expensive to take care of!

But still, I love those little SUCKERS. Even when I see them causing problems, like if I look up and SEAHORSing around, I can’t get mad at them because I adore them too much!

So I’m trying to win for them.

And yeah I know the win is a long shot, but it would've been a total WASH if I didn’t at least try.

Ultimately, if someone else wins I’ll be happy for them! I’m not then type to get JELLY.

But either way I’ve gotta submit something.

So I have to make it through the WHIRLPOOL of my thoughts, and ANCHOR down a good ending to this unbearable confession. But what can make it worse and worse? Longevity. Puns are the kinda of jokes that get more unbearable the more they’re strung together.

So I’m DIVING right into the writing. Or trying to. But I should admit I’ve had a bit to DRINK. And it wasn’t TANG. I’m not totally SLOSHED but my thoughts are a bit MURKY, and that's not a great set up. Most of what I’m DREDGING up is laughably bad. I feel lost in the SEA-weeds. But who do I have to blame? only myself. It’s not like I drank on accident. It was totally on PORPOISE.

I’m the one who went out to the SHAD to take a couple swallows of grog from the bottle of KRAKEN I keep under my tool box. That spiced rum happens to be my friend’s favorite liquor.

He’s a MARINE.

Anyway, I digress.

Yes.

I drank. Maybe more than a sip. Maybe I drank like a fish.

But cut me some slack, it’s not like I’m smoking a ton of REEFer or like a popping a bunch of MOLLIES.

I’m not trying to, like FRY my brain or anything.

So what’s a sip of liquor?

In my defense my hernia is KRILLing me and I dont know when I’ll get it repaired because the STURGEON won’t return my calls!

This writing would be easier if I’d made different choices.

Next time I write I’m swearing off the liquor. Gonna keep things dry as the GOBY dessert!

But for now? I’m… up the creek without a paddle, trying to write in this LIQUID state.

I BETTA sober up, so I’m trying to get some food in my belly. You know, crunching down handfuls of GOLDFISH.

That OTTER help.

Trying to finish this very stupid story just to annoy you before the contest deadline. I’m PERCHed on the edge of my seat. I’m hunched over my laptop like a HUMPBACK, trying to type but at a loss for words.

The MUSSELS in my neck are starting to hurt.

I have a multi colored pyramid on my writing desk for inspiration. I keep looking at it, but it’s not helping me at all— that damned NEON TETRAhedron hasn’t done shit for me.

I’m stuck in the MIRE! BOGGED down.

And REELy it’s my own damn fault. What I'm saying is I’m… up to the gills in my own mistakes.

I can SEA that, clear as day.

GARrrr! How frustrating!

But I’m owning up to all of it… hook, line, and sinker.

Wait. Give me a sec, I gotta get up an open a window. It just smells a little too MUSKIE in here.

***

Okay I’m back.

Anyway, if I’m honest, this whole night is making me feel CRABBY.

Like I feel like I might lash out at any innocent bystander. And that’s not me. I don’t snap at people. I’m not a SNAPPER. If I were, that could be bad, because if we’re I say something very rude, that bystander might CONCH me on the head!

And I’m no good in a fight— really I’m a SHRIMP!

So I better just CLAM up. Keep my frustration inside. Push it down DEEP.

… unFATHOMably deep.

What I really need is to just focus on this writing. Even if it’s not winning material, I can’t give up. Gotta get this shit written. Even if it can’t win. Even if it’s only for the HALIBUT!

And honestly winning isn’t the most important thing. I shouldn’t put that PRESSURE on myself. I just wanna have fun writing.

Wow!

Feeling this realization, it’s like I finally... broke through the surface. I’m gonna put on some music, a nice motivating TUNA. Something with a good DRUM beat. Maybe BARRACUDA by Heart.

Or perhaps that one Beatles song… I can’t remember the title. The lyrics are something like “I am the egg man. They are the egg men. I am the….?”

I can’t recall.

Anyway, I’ll put that song on and let that sweet sound wash over me like a RAY of hope, and then from there I’ll just let the writing FLOW.

Now, I don't know if this is KELPful at all for the rest of you. And it's not like I'm audacious enough to TROUT this advice from the rooftops or anything. But maybe it will be worth HERRING for somebody else… so I’ll offer this PEARL of wisdom: when it comes to writing— whether competitively or for fun— don’t take yourself too seriously!

The goal isn't to try and be a damned STARfish. It's just to have fun and a little bit of self exploration. You don't always have to SNAIL every contest-- sometimes you can just put your SEAL of approval on some writing that you can be atleast a little bit proud of. Put words to paper and show the world a bit of your SOLE.

I swear I'm not TRAWLING you guys or trying to be some raging BASShole with that CRAPPIE motivational “just write” cliche.

But seriously just write.

What I mean is:

Write whatever you want! The blank page is your OYSTER.

And if you start, you just might build enough momentum to SKATE past the finish :)

Not trying to BAIT you folks. Ya’ll are my PIERS. I pray to COD that everyone here has a safe and blessed night and great luck with their own writing…. Be WHALE my friends!

In a few MINNOWS I'll be asleep. Wish me luck with tomorrow's hangover.

I expect a serious HADDOCK.

And I’m already feeling so gassy. But I can’t trust it. I’m worried I might SHARK.

I think it’s because of that SUBMARINE sandwich I had for dinner. It smelled kinda off. Kinda FISHY.

But I gulped it down anyway.

Oh no.

Oh good

Oh no!

My stomach is gurgling.

I really hope I don’t FLOOD my pants.

Wish me luck.

***

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