A Mother's Life Goes Without Saying.

Dear Mom,

Now that I am a woman and mother myself. I realize how much I learned from you by just observing. I observed how giving you were, how hard you worked on your job, how a woman takes care of her home and how to experiment with new recipes. Honestly, some of those recipes weren’t that great by the way, but I have to give you a little credit because you were never afraid to try something new. This Mother’s Day I reflect on the memory of you. Although, you are no longer with us, I want you to know your life and efforts here on this earth did not go unnoticed. I would love to say that everything I learned from you was like an after school sitcom. You know, the ones that would involve me doing something foolish like going to a house party with my friends after you told me not too; but some how you would catch me in the act. Then, we'll go home and have a sentimental talk on the lesson I learned with soft theme music playing in the background. However, my lessons came more so from watching you. You were everyone’s favorite because you treated people with kindness. Anything someone needed you provided, from a hot meal, to a listening ear, or a good roaring laugh. You supported, nurtured, protected, loved, held and gave. I watched you give so much of yourself that you had nothing left.

One lesson I learned from your life was to create boundaries with love. I believe it is wonderful to be able to do things for the people you love. Viewing how you cared for others more than yourself was very touching, but I want to first love myself. You can't fully take care of others if you don't take care of your heart space and physical health. People will take everything you have energetically, financially and mentally, if you allow it. Once you got sick you kept the diagnosis to yourself, yet another act of protecting the ones you loved. You loved us so much that you didn’t want us to worry and unfortunately, you went through that journey alone when you didn’t have to. At times I can’t help but to think if you only had the support and love that you gave to us you would still be here.

I remember everyone coming to our house for huge dinners and barbecues in our backyard. Bushels of steaming hot crabs flavored with beer and so much laughter from family, friends and neighbors. My dad smelling up the street with his famous smoked turkeys on Thanksgiving while you spent all day and night making homemade sides from scratch. Everyone loved Aunt Jackie and her cooking. When family was in need of help such as somewhere to stay, money or a ride you were always dependable. Doing what needed to be done and doing it with a loving heart.

Honestly mommy, though I have all these beautiful memories of us as a family and I am very appreciative of it. I can’t help but to think of the not so pleasant moments as well. The times I saw you defeated because of the stress your high demanding job in the Federal government brought you. Or you being upset with my father and his cheating, selfish, manipulative ways. I wanted freedom for you. I wanted you to live your life so I can live mine. I always wished you divorced daddy sooner. He didn’t deserve you, although I know you loved him and wanted your family together. Moving on would have empowered you too manifest all you desired. I know now that change is hard, we all at some point and time find comfort in our comfort zones. I imagine living in a home with my ex-husband and child after a devastating divorce that couldn’t have been an easy decision for you either. From seeing you go through that I realized that sometimes in life you have to pick your hard. I know all you wanted was for me to be happy with both parents in the home, but I would have been happy as long as you were.

I have one last confession to you mommy. I miss you. I think of when I had my first child as a baby myself scared, confused and wishing I had the support my peers had going through the same thing. Watching mother and daughters do the things we once did such as get their nails done, shopping, vacationing, dinners and spending holidays together. It use to make me feel displaced. Now, I can look at these relationships with admiration instead of sadness. I get comforted with knowing you are with me in spirit and recalling on memories of us when things were normal. I know of woman who never had a close relationship with their mother. It reminds me of the famous quote “Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”. It took awhile to find my life again but once I found myself I found peace without you in my everyday life. Mommy you were my best friend ,the one person that genuinely loved me. I will never let you be forgotten. Any chance I get I will speak on your character and how much you meant to me. I wish you were able to meet your 3 beautiful grand son's. I know you are watching over us, one day we will be together again.

Love you always,

Vanessa.