A Moan

I really hate putting anything negative out there and this is a very negative post, just about how I feel about myself.

I have said this before and will say it again, there is a couplet in the Bob Dylan song “Joey” from “Desire” that sums me up:

“Always on the Outside

Of Whatever Side There Was

When The Asked

Why It Was Like That

He Said Well Just Because”

I am a member of many groups and mainly due to invitations, but I am expected to stay on the sidelines and not engage with anyone, and that hurts.

People see me as an asset because I engage with people, leave comments and heart pieces, though most of the time any piece I post are virtually ignored. There are a few people who engage with me constantly and I am so thankful and appreciative of their efforts, in fact their engagement could be enough for all the groups just with me.

I often pickup memes and things which I post, then someone picks up something I posted and shares it and they are made to be flavour of the moment while I have to keep quiet or I would seem like a very whiny child.

Because of my ubiquity in the groups people assume I am a favourite, or a major player or something when the reality is if I stop promoting myself I will disappear. No one will notice I have gone (this happens if I don’t post for a day or too), so in theory to remain in the public eye in the Vocal Groups I need to keep self promoting, no one will do it for me.

I have tried three poetry challenges which were picked up and enjoyed by the people who spotted them and took part, in fact three people tipped me (people who know me do love me), but the point is that these were ignored by most group members and group controllers. I am expecting someone to pick up the idea and then get congratulated and promoted on the back of it.

This situation happens a lot in my off Vocal life too..

It is an upsetting situation that cannot be addressed so I just live with it, hoping that one day I will actually get credited for things.

I once got taken apart publicly by a top manager for issues that happened on testing a successful project implementation. The project was a resounding success but the focus was put on testing issues which upset me and my team who had worked extra unpaid hours to get the project live.

When I broached this to my immediate manager she told me “Well We Know We Succeeded” , I said “We Do, but No One Else Does”. So I put out an announcement about our success and the hard work of the team , addressing the real reasons for testing issues, which my team and most of the organisation really appreciated.

I was reprimanded for saying what actually happened.

I really don’t know the answer to this. I am desired for what I bring to the groups, and some people engage with me and really uplift me, but I will never be put forward as an example of something to learn from, my work is very seldom promoted or shared by others, and I would never ask people do this though I see others demanding exposure and getting it.

I always try and engage with group promotions and support them, but that is just a one way street.

I will continue to plough my own furrow and watch others enjoy themselves knowing I am there when they need me.

The reality is I know this is all on me, but every so often a piece touches the public psyche and for a second people do engage with me and I do feel good and that is why I will stay.

There are also so incredibly close friends I have met who make my life wonderful.

This piece is a bit like lancing a boil, I need to say this in public to allow myself to move on, and gonna share some of the wonderful Carter USM (that’s Unstoppable Sex Machine to the uninitiated) , that everyone hates to love, but I love them and their music really lifts my spirits so we will go with “The Only Loving Boy In New Cross”.