A Letter to the Guy Who Just Can’t Ghost Me

To guy who gave me the best date till today,

Like most people we met in a dating site.

We broke a lot of conventional dating rules.

The first date kiss, the poem you shared with me the day after, the instant connect, the incredible conversations on technology, Christopher Nolan movies, our love for dogs, spirituality like we have been best friends for ages.

To top it all, a dreamlike second date in the middle of a forest. Lying with you on a hammock holding hands under a full moon, I would say “I would about this date to my grandchildren” and see your smile.

It was picture-perfect. I was incredibly happy because it was a beautiful experience and I felt we knew each other without even trying.

What is the universally agreed “shortest right time” to fall for someone?I think it was two weeks for me.

Then you disappeared.

I was heartbroken. We had discussed a casual relationship but nothing I felt was so. You had already told me in the first date that your job is pretty hectic and coming from a family with a similar background, I thought I understood. Oh, how wrong was I.

Your non-responsive texts post the second date was shocking and within a few days, there was none. You would never know, but I spent a week in a daze and had to console myself - it was all in my head and you did not feel the same way.

The second time...

Almost a month later, I would receive a text from you.

Hiding how overjoyed I was, I would tease you if you were alive. You would come to meet me the third time.

It was mid-May and the tree outside my window was in full bloom with pink flowers. It was the same full moon magic on a repeat.

You just had an hour at your disposal and we made it an unforgettable one. You would depart from me with the longest hug and three kisses on my forehead and cheeks. And to top it all while you walked towards your car, you would turn and give me a flying kiss while I stood by the gate smiling. Guess what, none of these feature in the rule book of a casual relationship if ever there exists one.

I felt warmth, the precise feeling of being loved, at that moment. The instincts I learnt to listen to, were happy as always.

You would promise me to meet after a month only to disappear - again.

The third time..

The cycle of non-responsiveness would begin.

I would ask days before the date you promised if we are meeting - you would flatly say you are busy. In a fit of fury and tears, I would cut offall contacts, delete our photos. I would assume that I am scaring you off by showing my actual feelings and decide to end it.

I would get back to dating but I was never fully invested because I did nothing to heal the pain not let go you off your memories.

I don't know why men ask us the best dating experience we ever had so far because I relived these memories when I told them.

Guys guess what? you are not here to compete with that but make a different one if we hit it off!

I would get a taste of an actual casual relationship but realise it's not a place for me to be. To no one's surprise, I would search for you in that person (to whom I owe a huge apology) and it never worked out.

Two months later, I would remember you for days and unable to restrain myself (with matters of heart, I am foolishly impulsive) I would right swipe you because I f**king missed you.

You would ask me for a chance to restart it all over again and I would jump at it without a question. I would fight with you for disappearing but my joy of getting to meet you would wash it all away. I would hide all the feelings I went through and restate that I look for only casual so that you fully agree and you did.

I would go to Google photos “BIN” and restore all our deleted pictures (I had never deleted them permanently, on purpose).

I would make multiple attempts to meet you this time but your hectic job schedule would prevent you. And as always my texts will be unanswered after a few replies.

I would resort to asking you out every weekend possible only with you smoothly refusing it and yesterday was the latest I asked you out.

The realization

Here's what I learnt - I was expecting you to turn into the available person the every second chance we give each other while you were expecting me to get used to your absences.

Then reality hit me - if we are getting back, then along with you comes your hectic job schedule and the subsequent absences and with me comes the basic expectations to meet you and have a continued conversation.

I can't blame you anymore. And I am not blaming myself either.

Yet, I am leaving this today - I am not used to the pain like you expected, and it hurts me like hell.

Final Thoughts...

I googled ghosting, dating advice and like every medical symptom leading to cancer diagnosis on the internet, all my actions point to a fragile ego and confirms that I am a needy person. I for once, disagree.

I could call myself a masochist, people pleaser but I am breaking this off because I am too tired to be hurt anymore.

The truth - I had fallen for you and I want something more than casual and more than anything - you to make time for me in your busy schedule. Turns out it's not possible for you.

We both are holding on to the past and being blind to the fact that we are different people now.

I wish you the very best. I would never look a lot of things the same way again and I accept the precious memories will remain with me.

You encouraged me to continue writing because you see my soul in the words I write.

I wish, you could read this, I have done exactly that!