7 Dating Lessons I Wish to Tell Single Women Over 30

How does 30 feel like?

But you don’t look 31 at all!

Aren’t you getting a little too old for the marriage market?

Things I keep hearing as I crossed the magical or (absolutely nothing changed) 30.

I wish I could brush away everything by saying “Age is Just A Number”.

It could be — but the experiences that shaped me and the hard truths I discovered along the way could easily fit into this number.

With every number passing, there are learnings.

I am writing this on Saturday morning after reading an article about Leonardo Di Caprio’s dating choices and how (certain) men online agree that dating a young women is much better and easily used words like “damaged goods” for women over their 30s.

Sometimes, in the pursuit of writing or talking about dating there are dangerous of over-generalization.

Do we take into account the culture, the financial background, dating history of the people sharing their thoughts.

And how much of the population’s opinion do they reflect?

It’s too complicated to be oversimplified as “men feel so”.

So, take any dating advice (including this), surveys, opinions with multiple filters.

Or ignore them all together and chart your own.

Trust me, not fitting people into two big groups and not heeding to the likes of “men prefer younger”, “high-value woman gets the high-value guy”, “self-love improves your dating chances” can save you from a lot of stress.

As a 31 something single woman from India these are my compilation of thoughts and advice from dating the last 3 years (yes, I was waiting for my soulmate to jump from the sky in my twenties).

Its been one hell of a journey and most myths I debunked were my very own.

Here they are for you:

#1 Embrace The Uncertainty

And don’t beat yourself up when your image of them shatters.

And stop taking every ignored message, a horrible experience as a chance for your self-improvement or spiritual awakening.

Throw all the self-help gurus staying in your head and in your Instagram feed.

There is no perfect way to date.

And after applying all the strategies even if you get the amazing person of your dreams, there is not assurance they will love you the same way for years to come.

Embrace that we are humans and are bound to f*** up.

Accept that soulmates can sometimes come with expiry dates.

#2 Don’t Fall For The “Ticking Time” Concerns

We are much more than ticking biological clocks.

And in most cases, the person we chose in urgency end up the time bombs we should have avoided in the first place.

Yes, being setted and starting a family can make your parents happy and open you up to a lot of benefits the government offers you.

But nothing is worth it if you are not happy to wake up to that someone every single day.

When the buzz of your marriage wears off, people go off to live their life and in convincing the next single person to settle.

Always, ensure that you are calling the shots for you.

#3 If Single Anger is A Thing So is the Bliss Of Single Life

Singles aren’t these special creatures that are either depressed over endless cocktails or partying, endless swiping and bed hopping their weekends.

They are humans making choices and learning about themselves.

So, its not all Sex and the City here nor are we walking and talking embodiments of anger.

Just be.

#4 Stop Making Your Dating Life (Or the Lack of It) Your Identity

People would just love to hear your adventures while pretending to share their own.

Vulnerability is good but your experiences are precious.

There are little stories there you are saving to tell your grandchildren. There are the toxic personas who scarred you for months. There are poor judgements that make for embarrassing cocktail stories.

But no matter 2022, remember that we stay in a judgemental society. And besides choose people who find your presence and wit interesting and not for your dating stories.

Especially maintaining reputation at your workplace is important and your personal matters will come back to bite you in the a**.

So, unless you are writing your best seller autobiography or venting to your most trusted best friends — keep your dating history a secret.

#5 You Don’t Have To Put Up Just Because Someone is interested

Validation is such a heady feeling.

Especially hearing it from a guy totally smitten by you. The detailed description of how your smile lights up the room and how the curve of your lip is so precise.

But don’t let the fluffy words hide the red flags that follow.

You don’t need to sit through someone undermining your intellect just because no one has shown so much interest in a very long time.

The results will be disastrous and that’s a fact.

Save yourself.

#6 You Are Not A Saviour For Other Lonely Single Friends

Its controversial but being approached for friendship and weekend plans just because of your single status is insulting.

I mean if you enjoy my company that is a good enough reason to hang out, not because I am single.

Just because someone does not have the responsibilities of a married woman or one in a committed relationship with less time in her hand does not mean the time is available for everyone else.

Time and your energy is precious irrespective of your marital status.

Give it those who help you grow and cherish you. And give it yourself first.

#7 Stop Stereotyping Yourself

There are no hard as fast rules or life ending facts with dating.

• The research studies on “men preferences” or if you aren’t pretty and young in the dating pool , you will find no one.
• That after 30 you must rush your dating efforts.
• Or the stories of people finding their soulmates in bumble.
• Or the fact that someone will come when you stop looking.

Stop designing your whole life for this “amazing someone”.

I remember a friend of planning her office location to be within the city limits so that it wouldn’t be a problem for her “future life partner”.

Also, Leonardo Di Caprio has lot of admirable qualities (that perfect face!) but he is asking no one to follow him, especially his dating life.

Give him and his girlfriends a break and stop adding one more to the list of “100 reasons -why-I-shouldn’t-be-single”.

Final Thoughts

Pitting women against each other is an age old tactic.

Making you “compete with“ 20 something faceless women through oversimplified statistics is one such.

It’s a set of numbers not an indication of your desirability.

And men who call it out aren’t the ones you need in your life.

The partiarchy is so ingrained in our DNAs that we are horrible to ourselves more than anyone else and we fail to recognise it creeping into our dating lives.

Be wary of the judgement and continue giving you all the kindness.

Go with all your heart, know safety and put your happiness and self-respect above anything else.

Story previously published in Medium