A Journey of Gratitude And Burden

Am I the only one who hates being given something. It's like once I receive a gift or anything from a person, I owe them something equal to whatever was given. I lost my dad when I was six? And it has been hard for my mum sometimes to provide but she always did her absolute best an I'm praying that I'll be able to make her proud (I need prayers guys). My dad's side of the family tried to help whenever they could and I'll always cherish them, and it's been going well for a while. Did I forget to mention my dad was a pastor? Yes he was. My dad was so passionate with the gospel that the only memory of his voice I have was when he preached. I love to think that My dad was loved by many and he was the best dad anyone could ask for (well, I am little biased, haha!)

My dad had a spiritual mentor and he looked up to him so much that my mum form the little I remember, threaten my dad when they had a disagreement andthat they settle it in his presence, that kind of stuff, and my dad would straighten up immediately. When my dad passed he (his mentor,)really pulled through for us during some tough times and he and his family have been a blessing to us. My mum had to take to running the church. My dad was always the one preaching and my mum did sometimes, but she preferred hearing the word than teaching it. It was a hassle to work a full time office job, take care of the church and take care of us.

My mum did all she could. I saw her helping most of our members emotional wise and financially(which was a lot to take in considering her meager salary). Sadly,most of them left after some months and the church members began to dwindle. Secretly I wanted my mum to close the church, but I feared she would think that I was being selfish, and I prayed for a miracle of some sort.

Fortunately, there was lockdown because COVID arrived(unfortunately) and we had to stop church for a while and then after the lockdown, my mum decided that the church was put on hold and inevitably it led to it's closing. My mum joined my dad's mentor's church and it's been great. There are wonderful people here who help my mum and I love that for her and it seems she has some friends now.

Now the reason for all this ranting; you heard when I said they were really good people here? They are so kind sometimes that I feel like I'm owing them...it's stupid but that's how I feel. When I entered my first year (it was a private uni), someone paid more than half of my fees. Half!!! I was so grateful and I thanked him so much but at the same time I get so uncomfortable and I don't know why. I think it's because I have social anxiety (which I'm working on) but at the same time, I don't know, I feel like I'm indebted like in those c-dramas(if you know, you know) and I don't know how to go about it.

The pastor of our new church has taken on the responsibility of sending monthly allowance and I was so grateful and also happy that load has been taken off my mum but every time I see an alert,I'm happy but at the same time, feel like I'm not thankful enough and and that I have too do something. I know it sounds silly but it bothers me. I do wish him all the best. Situations like this seems to bring out the creativity in me and while thumbs are sore, I'm really greatful to have written something down, even if it isn't much.