27

What have I contributed to this world? A harshly illuminating question I ask myself from time to time. Another year and the same daunting question looms so close to my head I nearly dare to look up. I have always been immensely self-critical and self-competitive. This behavior tends to bleed into a stream, forming a bad habit infinity pool of comparison as well, but that is a self indulgent topic for another day.

I can learn something new or sharpen a skill, which brings me satisfaction. But shortly after I think to myself I need to do more, be more, see more, create more, talk more, experience more. I am keenly aware that this shift in mindset usually occurs simultaneously with periods of exhaustion and bouts of feeling worn down; when the fuel gauge is long past striking empty. I feel there is nothing left to give, my social battery has run out, and I have been run over so badly you can probably only find me flattened and stretched out, lying on the ground gasping for some stillness.

But the beauty does come from these moments. When I can acknowledge all that I have endured to get me here, and still survive in spite of it. I think it feels self-gratifying mostly, embarrassing even sometimes, but there is a rare moment where I find I can smile internally. Grit has always filled me with thrill. I can be proud of what I have, of what I am, and of what I am not.

It is in those moments that I can reflect. I become flooded with emotion when I realize I have the best friends anyone could ever dream of. People with real love for one another, who push each other and help each other, and most importantly are honest with one another. I do experience guilt occasionally, feeling I am unworthy of their friendship. I know I do not deserve them and their pure, unconditional love. That I must be a better friend. But then I remember that is okay and friendships are forever growing and strengthening. It is okay to need growth. It is okay to not be perfect. It is okay and that does not mean I am less than, nor should I feel guilty or punish myself for that. As humans, our having is only as good as our giving. Our love is only as good as the love we give. My friends, my boyfriend show me unconditional love even when I am distant due to these stressful and exhausting periods. And they are there when life is breezy. I will forever be grateful for this space I am allowed to be me in all shapes and forms. I appreciate every single friend, coworker, and acquaintance that allows me this grace. I am trying, painfully trying to give myself this grace.

I started this thinking I was going to reflect on the previous year, but I realized that is not the most accurate personal measurement. What is it I like from pushing myself to the edge? I currently feel accomplished for surviving what internally feels like a grind. Something I have to power through. I think these are the most important times for me. The result is a powerful satisfaction of surviving. Probably an inflated sense of pride and ego, too. Another year and I am still on this planet intoxicated with love. I am able to smell my favorite perfume, drink coffee, and hug my friends. I can celebrate another holiday season and build another gingerbread house with my loved ones. I can read 10 more books and not have an answer when my boyfriend asks what I want to eat. I am thankful for everything, including the frivolous and inconsequential.

Thank you for coming to my unstructured Ted Talk. Sometimes I need to free the burden of my thoughts, however fractured and scattered they may seem.