20 Bad Dates

Realistically, I know within the first fifteen minutes of meeting a guy whether or not I'm going to like him.... until we get drunk. (Note: I don't drink anymore). It's funny how our rose colored beer goggles turn a guy into dateable material when they really should've been a booty call. I've had booty calls, friends with benefits, and I'm an ungirlfriend now.

Please don't judge me when you haven't walked a mile in my shoes. Dating after fifty is like finding the least damaged thing in the thrift store. Unlike previous boyfriends and ill-suited lovers, my unboyfriend respects me. Realistically this has happened because of my journey toward self-empowerment. I love myself first..I'm still a hot mess (which I define as an attractive disaster. By the way ladies, you are hot no matter what your body type is. Don't believe it? Watch a Lizzo video and get boudoir pictures done. Empowerment and independence is attractive).

We all have baggage from our past. My particular baggage is that I felt so damaged that I felt like I should only pick damaged guys. In fact, the bigger the train wreck the better. What happens is, you get a project, not a partner. The red flags are seen as challenges to overcome. That should be a warning sign in and of itself.

My unboyfriend doesn't want me to fix him, which is good. He's empowered himself and doesn't need any help. I don't need to worry about him draining me financially. Apparently Bachelors are good picks - you don't even need to worry about family drama either. We have little drama because of our arrangement. But he and I have been fully forthright in our needs and that includes our need to be separate people at this point in time. Him more so than me, which is why I sometimes think of him as a practice boyfriend. I'm feeling out the male species and trying to figure out what they want without sacrificing my needs.

Men don't want a project or a partner. They have been burned by their baby mamas and their ex-wifes. Child support and alimony can be crippling. They don't want a girl that's been around the block, so they are dirty old men looking for 30 year old girls. However, us mature women need less because we are empowered, we (mostly) don't want to get married and we won't lead to child support. We also won't be used by people who are turning into alcoholics, have lost their driver's licenses and have turned their men into their drop off dude.

Nobody wants a woman who blacks out and starts drunking texting in the middle of the night. Ladies, no man wants a girl who texts in the middle of the night a text that says, "Are you with your whores?" Stop! You're ruining a good thing every time. (This is another benefit of being sober). Empowered and independent people don't need your money, and they are down with the sexual revolution and aren't afraid to waste your time. They can get right down to getting naked because they are in love with their bodies, regardless of size. If you're not in love with yourself as much as you can be, don't worry about dating, worry about yourself.

Dating on online sites is rough. I joined OK Cupid for a minute. My ex-husband came up as a possible match! I was also still drinking then, so I ruined some of the dates too. Some men want to move in after three dates - they need to have their own house! I'm not looking for an instant family! (I've been there - I don't want that and I don't need that). You will go on many bad dates because you think you should have a boyfriend. Try being single a little bit. Then you will know what you want.

That's why I'm ok with unconventional relationships, friends with benefits, and ungirlfriends. I'm mature enough to not want to destroy their lives and they won't destroy mine when the end to the relationship finally rears its ugly head. My journey has taken a lot of work. And if you find a great un boyfriend, seize it. You will have the time of your life in this new sexual revolution.

But this long walk, for a short sip of water, involves all of the bad dates my friends and I have been on. After all these bad dates, you won't mind an unconventional relationship, I hope because you can't afford to have your heart broken anymore than I can.

Twenty Bad Dates

1. I was on a party bus once with a man named Phillip. The fumes from the bus were making me nauseous. I told him I needed to move to the front of the bus or else I would "blow chunks." His response was "well in that case, my name is chunks". Ugh!

2. I met a guy at local watering hole. We hit it off, or so I thought. We went to a School of Rock competition on Whiskey Island. Sounds like a great night, huh? As it turns out, he switched his interest to my blonde, bosomy friend in the middle of the date and made it clear he would rather sleep with her.

3. One female contributor shared a story where the guy kicked her out of the car on the first date. He must've realized his mistake, because he did come back to pick her up. She said no. When said she no, he yelled, "You know why you are single - it's because you're a bitch!" Um, yeah

4. I had a friend fix me on a blind date with a guy. My therapist suggested introductions from friends, instead of online dating. I met the man at a local bar to watch the football game. I do love football. However, he advised me that he drove his mom's car to the date, as his vehicle was repossessed when he got his DUI. Check, Please!

5. Drinking problems are always a warning sign. I met a man at the bar (I was at the bar a lot, right?), and we hit it off instantly. We thought it was love at first sight. He was living with his dad, but it was supposedly because he was taking care of his dad. Turns out that all of his money went to alcohol. He ended up in the ER three times during that relationship, because he almost died from from alcohol poisoning.

6. The guy who wants an instant family. There is always the divorced man who is looking for an instant partner - newly divorced or newly married, they are looking for help with the kids regardless of what he says. Another red flag.

7. The married guy - need I say more? The wife usually wins, but if he does "pick" you, there will be nothing but drama. I was once at this bar late at night and I ran into a couple - I knew the woman from high school and the man from work. The man went on to tell the story that he met Kelly while he was having an affair already with his side piece. Kelly was the girl he was cheating on his mistress with. Could there possibly be more drama? He went on to say that Kelly "won the competition." Did she really win? Did she really? Talk about the trust issues in the future.

8. Dating a man going through a divorce. First off, you never know if the two will reconcile, which is what they did. He then proceeded to tell me that he had the best orgasm ever in his life with his ex-wife. Did I really need to know that? Did I really? Check, please

9. One male contributor shared this story with me: He had been communicating with a woman online. She lived in Oregon and he lived in San Francsico. The build up to the weekend was hot! He was driven insane with desire during their phone conversations. When she arrived however, it was disastrous. She didn't look like her picture at all. Dinner went fine, but when it came time to be intimate, her hygiene in the "nether regions" left a lot to be desired. He was greeted with a terrible odor that he stills remembers to this day. The date was so bad it caused a memory burn.

10. One female contributor shared that on her first date, the man informed her that he had to stop by his mother's first to get money for dinner! Check, please!

11. Another female contributor said she met a man at an AA meeting, but he was early enough in sobriety that he was living in a halfway house with no car and no job. Men, get those ducks in a row before thinking about dating. You have bigger fish to fry.

12. One female contributor shared that she was set up on a blind date by her MOM. She had never seen him. She was full eight inches taller than him. He proceeded to talk about Star Wars the entire time and how he still plays with his figurines. She didn't even get a word in edgewise as he kept talking about his memorabilia. It reminded her of the movie the 40-year old. He was a nice guy, but probably should look for a woman at a comic book convention.

13. Another female contributor advised that she went on a date with a man who lived tweeted their date. Advice, stay off your phone, and concentrate on your date.

14. This ridiculous story involves the cliche of a man forgetting his wallet on the first date. She had to offer up her jewelry to the manager to cover it until they came back with the money. Furthermore, he thought the date went so well that he thought he was going to get lucky.

15. This gross story involves the man telling the woman he had to stop back at the house to "take a dump." As my grandmother would say, leave a little mystery about you. You don't need to tell people EVERYTHING. Just politely say you need to be excused.

16. Ladies, always pay for your own dinner. Many women have experienced the old Andrew Dick Clay joke, I bought you dinner, you knew I wanted to fuck you.

17. Another gentleman who didn't have his wallet - This female contributor advises that he had his wallet the whole time. He told her he knew he wasn't getting any action, so he refused to pay the bill. Nice.

18. The guy that doesn't take no for an answer. Ladies, say it once and say it loud. Otherwise cut and run. I had this happen to me recently. It's exhausting to constantly say no, and its disrepectful. And it's scary!

19. The guy who wouldn't stop talking about sea horses....yes, sea horses.

20. The guy that picked me up for the date and was the perfect gentleman. However, we got pulled over by the police and he didn't even have a driver's licenses so we almost got arrested. Which leads to my next tip..

Men, if you don't know how you're getting from point A to point B, worry about things other than dating. You're not ready to yet. It sucks, but its true. I'm in recovery. Every day I've got to make the decision to stay sober. I don't have time for a real relationship either. So we circle back around to the unboyfriend. It works and if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Let's give a shout to flirtationships as well. This is a guy you flirt with, that is really quite harmelss. You flirt, you kiss (maybe), but nothing more. This may a preliminary practice before you decide to make him or her your friends with benefits or un girlfriend, possibly. The guy I'm in a flirtationship with never leaves his house - I think he is agoraphobic. But we have a lot in common so we text in the middle of the night. Could I do that if I had an actual boyfriend instead of an unboyfriend? Absolutley not.

I have more freedom than I've ever had in my life, and I'm loving it. It will get old, but at least when it does, no one will be heartbroken because they didn't get too attched. You do have to harden your heart a little because of this new sexual revolution. Strap on, you're going to have a bumpy ride, but it's fun for me, right now.

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