#2

I should live, right? But I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this place of many dreams. It is a place where I tell myself that I will be in a better place in my life. This is a place where I have conquered my demons. A place where I have healed my body, mind, and heart. It is where I am successful and reaping it with financial blessings. I dream of this place where I am not stuck.

But I’m stuck. Where did it all even begin? I remember being at the peak of my 20s when I was constantly moving forward. I was constantly on the go. I was always looking far ahead thinking that life would always feel as fresh as that moment. I wouldn’t let anybody hold me back, not even a man can control me. I was a woman who knew what she wanted in life. Or I thought I did. But then, we met again. This guy was briefly in my life back in College. He didn’t even mean a thing during that time. But when he came back, he made sure to make an impact in it. 10 explosive years together (and I mean it in a bad way), and 2 beautiful children, just to keep the balance. I lost myself somewhere in between those 10 years. Or probably I abandoned myself in exchange for the relationship I so stupidly cherished.

After those 10 years, I decided to walk away from the drama. I didn’t need another season of it. It was time to move on. When I did, oh boy, I was in for the shock of my life. I was alone for the first time in a very long time, not knowing who I was without him. I didn’t know where to begin looking for myself. I was distraught like a drunken idiot at a party. I was all over the place. I couldn’t move forward because I didn’t know how. I just know that I needed to find myself first.

Finding myself means breaking everywhere and hurting where it hits the spot. I wanted to skip the pain so badly. I feel like I couldn’t take it anymore. People always say that you wouldn’t be given what you couldn’t endure. But it’s as if life was making fun of me. The more I endured, the more problems I was given. Sometimes I feel like I couldn’t anymore, still I’m standing in this place trying so desperately to free myself.

I’m still in it now. But I hope one of these days I’ll walk with ease, with a smile on my face because my heart won’t feel heavy and my mind won’t feel burdened. I know someday that I’ll have better control of my memories. Good or bad, I hope I can treasure each one the same way. I would like to walk side by side with someone again. Someday, I hope I get another chance.

Today, as I made a step on reality I realized how hard life really is. Life can be very lonely and suffocating. It can be heartbreaking in every way. But I guess it is worth it if you look into the eyes of those who give it meaning. Those who are present rather than those who left. It is important to know that there are choices every time. So, I should choose to be happy. Not just on days when I deserve it, but also when I feel like there’s no more hope left.

I now realized that I shouldn’t look at empty places to find myself. I shouldn’t look so far away. My true self is just here, waiting. Waiting for the day that I could freely and honestly recognize myself again.