#1

Lately, I’ve been trying to come to terms with the idea of death. I feel a sense of dread whenever I think about it. Yesterday, I went to the wake of my ex-brother-in-law. He was only 49 years old. I was once again reminded of the thoughts I’ve been having. But as I reflect on many things in my life, I realized that death wouldn’t just come once. I realized that in my 40 years of existence I have actually already died many times.

I died when I lost the baby in my womb. As I watched the blood flow from me, I felt an incomparable sense of loss. It’s as if I lost a part of me that I could never get back. People tend to be overly dramatic about their heartaches, about losing a lover or a husband. But that kind of pain is nothing compared to the anguish of a mother’s heart who has lost a baby. I know because I have experienced both.

I died when my mother took her last breath. My mom and I had always been polar opposites. We loved and disliked each other on millions of occasions. When she was sick, I was in constant battle as to the role I needed to take. I was torn between being her daughter and being the mother of my children. I had many regrets about my relationship with my mother. And losing her was the hardest thing I ever had to face so far. But true to the nature of any mother, I also learned the best lessons in life through her death. It was the last gift she had given me. It’s as if my eyes were wide open for the first time in my life. I started seeing my life in a different light. I was gradually changing and becoming better at living. Most importantly, I stopped tolerating things and people in my life that added to more pain and chaos. For the first time, I realized that I didn’t want to be in a constant state of war anymore. I would rather have peace and peace of mind. I also realized that letting go is essential.

I let go of my husband more than a year after my mom’s death. It was long overdue. I guess I wanted to keep fighting for the sake of my family. But now I know that I was actually hurting my family by keeping a toxic person in our lives. At the right moment and for the best reasons, I made a decision to let him go. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. But no matter how heartbreaking, I made it with full conviction of my entire being. I still died though. I died because he is the only man I loved with that intensity and finality. I don’t think I could love another man the way I have loved him. I’m still hopeful, though, that I would love again.

I died when my father, whom I put on the pedestal my whole life, emerged as just a man in my eyes. It was wrong of me to think that he was perfect. Everything came crashing down when he became a totally different person as he navigated life with someone else. It still hurts to look at his eyes and see a stranger. Then again, maybe he’s been looking at me the same way for many years. I hope in time we can recognize each other again.

These thoughts pop in and out of my mind regularly. I have come to accept that I won’t be able to evade them. I just have to remember the lessons I learned from my experiences.

Death is inevitable. But for most of us, it is still in the future. Life, however, is happening now. I constantly tell myself that I should live.