The Library

Chapter 4; The Library

Chapter 1 is linked here

Susan felt strangely unconfident as Jonathon reached out to take her hand. She felt how she had as a young girl– anxious, nervous and unsure of herself. Whatever Michael had given her the night before was still lingering in her system. It was wearing off but she still felt not quite right; not really herself.

Jonathon could see that Susan’s hand shook a little as she reached for his and sensed that something was wrong. He could see it in her eyes; they looked different somehow; almost like she was afraid.

He thought, “God, she knows. Am I really that transparent?”

The heat rising on his face as he took her hand made Jonathon feel like an awkward school boy again. Although the media portrayed him as the confident rock star of the business world, that could make any woman weak in the knees with a smile, he knew that really he was still that shy school boy at heart. For eight years Jonathon had been building a wall around himself, ever since Caroline had broken him in every way a man can be broken. She had been his first and only love; the only woman who had truly understood him and made him feel whole. He’d given his soul to her and she’d crumbled it up and threw it in the trash. He’d sworn then, that he would never let himself be hurt in that way again and did everything he could to fortify the wall around his heart.

But now as he looked into Susan’s eyes he could feel that wall crumbling away and felt helpless to stop it. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to anymore. It took all his willpower to not pull her into his arms as he reached out and opened the door for her.

She could see the colour rise on Jonathon’s face but could also see something in his eyes that told her to be careful. She felt that he could see her thoughts as he opened the door and held it so that she could enter first.

Susan felt her knees go weak when Jonathon placed his hand on the small of her back as she entered the building. She knew it was just a gentleman’s protective gesture but to her it felt like the sweetest caress she’d ever felt. She wanted to linger in that caress a little longer but quickly moved ahead; her heart beating a mile a minute and threatening to lose all control.

When Susan moved ahead he felt the separation in the form of a shock. Snap! They both felt it as Susan spun to face him, “Ouch! Did you feel that?”

He couldn’t help but smile, “God, yes. My fingertips are tingling. I guess we’re both storing up static.”

Susan laughed and said, “Let’s test that,” as she playfully reached out and touched his arm. Snap! It happened again. They were both laughing uncontrollably as they entered the library; drawing shushes from the patrons, as they continued trying to shock each other.

They found an empty table in the non-fiction section of the Library, where Susan quickly removed her research notes from her bag and spread them on the table. Jonathon sat beside her and listened intently as she explained what she’d found out so far. He knew from her application that she was a math whiz but was more than impressed as she handed him three hand drawn spread sheets. They showed the financial dealings of the first three names on his list. But even more importantly they showed everything she could find out about each grower’s personal life’s and habits.

Jonathon listened in disbelief as Susan started to apologize, “I’m sorry but I’ve only been able to get these three done so far.”

“Are you kidding Susan? This is outstanding work. I really didn’t expect you to be able to get all five done by Thursday but it seems I’ve under-estimated your abilities.”

Susan gave him a look of fake anger, “Oh really. So you were just testing me then?”

“I guess so. But it looks like you’ve passed with flying colours.”

The sparkle in his eyes as he complimented her was breath-taking and she found herself speechless.

Jonathon moved the papers around on the table looking at the head-shots of the growers that Susan had created files on. He spent a few minutes looking over her work before speaking again, “It looks like you’ve found out everything you could about these ones but now I want you to tell me something else.”

He turned towards her and smiled, “I want you to tell me how you feel?”

Susan felt her heart go in her throat, “What was he asking her? Did he want to know how she felt about him? Was he trying to tell her something?”

She didn’t know what to say and just stared at him for a second before stammering,

“I… I don’t know what you’re asking me Jonathon. How do I feel about what?”

With everything in him, he wanted to say, “How do you feel about me, Susan,” but stopped himself just before he spoke.

Instead he took the head-shots and placed them in front of her, asking, “How do you feel about them? Is there something that stands out about any of them? Something like a gut instinct that tells you anything?”

Susan felt relieved and disappointed at the same time. Her heart wanted so much for him to be asking how she felt about him but her mind felt relieved that he wasn’t; because if he was she didn’t think that she could lie.

She stared at the photos for a few seconds before placing her finger on one of them and saying, “The other two I don’t have any strong feelings about one way or the other, But this one I feel would be worth giving some attention.”

She was pointing at the picture of Carlos Sanchez, the same person that Jonathon thought would be a good place to start.

He was impressed again and asked her, “Why him? What makes him stand out amongst the others for you?”

She knew why but felt uneasy about saying the words. Susan hesitated for a minute before deciding to just tell the truth.

“Honestly, Jonathon, I think it’s because he reminds me of you.”

“In what way? What do you mean?”

Susan felt her face turn red as she answered, “Well just like you. He is self-made and a confirmed bachelor who is beyond handsome.”

Jonathon felt his heart being pulled towards her and decided at that moment to tell her the truth. But just when he was going to take her hand in his, he heard a female voice saying. “Jonathon! Is that you? Oh my god, what are doing here?”

Susan looked up when she heard the voice and saw the most beautiful woman she had ever seen walking towards them. She was one of those women that commanded attention when she walked into a room. She was the kind of woman that Susan wanted to be; smart, beautiful and respected. This was Cassandra Engel, a woman that Susan had never met but respected immensely. Susan had followed her career for years, ever since Cassandra was just an out-spoken advocate for the poor of the city. She’d watched her make a difference in this city and had voted for her in the last election. An election that Cassandra had won, making her the new Mayor of Toronto.

Jonathon jumped up from the table to meet Cassandra in a warm embrace before bringing her to meet Susan.

Jonathon was blind to it but Susan could see the way that Cassandra looked at him. She knew that look deep in her soul, because it was the same way she looked at him. Susan felt her whole world deflate when Jonathon said, “Cassandra, I want you to meet my friend and new assistant, Susan.”

It became clear to Susan that Cassandra and Jonathon had known each other for a long time as she sat at their table holding Jonathon’s hand and talking about old times. After several minutes, Susan couldn’t take it anymore and left them alone as she wandered around the Library, continuing her research. She tried but couldn’t concentrate anymore. She saw the way Jonathon had looked at her just before Cassandra appeared and felt that he was just about to tell her what she wanted to hear. But now she felt lost and confused, for she saw the way Cassandra looked at him and knew that what they shared was much more than just friendship. It was much more than she and Jonathon shared. He had just said it himself; “Cassandra meet my friend.”

Susan decided to do what she always did when feeling lost or confused; she went to the poetry section of the library and immersed herself in the old poets. She was reading the works of her favourite poet, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, when Jonathon finally came to find her. She was sitting on the floor, reading the words of her favorite poem when he laid his hand on her shoulder, asking, “What are you reading?”

She closed the book and recited the words from memory.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday’s

Most quite need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhoods faith.

I love thee with a Love that I seemed to lose

With my lost saints– I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! – and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death."

Jonathon was stunned as he watched tears flow from Susan’s eyes. This was also his favourite poem: the most apt description of love ever written.

He asked, “Susan are you okay? Why are you crying? Did I upset you in some way?”

“No, not really Jonathon. Call me a romantic or whatever but that poem always effects me deeply. There’s just so much truth and honesty in her words. She bled her heart into her work, almost as if she used her tears as punctuation. I’ve always wished I could be as brave as her and just scream my truth for the world to hear, regardless of the consequences. But, you see that’s not me. I’m not that brave. I’ve learned the hard way, in my short life, that the heart is a fragile thing.”

Jonathon stared into her eyes for a minute before coming to a decision that he knew would change everything.

“I know what you mean, Susan. I’ve also learned that hard lesson and it almost destroyed me. I’ve never talked about this with anyone before now but I think I need to make you understand. Eight years ago I had my heart ripped out of my chest by a woman I thought was the love of my life. I fell into a deep dark hole of pain for months after and swore I would never open my heart to that kind of destruction again. Whenever I come close to wanting to open myself to someone again I feel fear. And to be brutally honest Susan, I have never been more afraid than I am right now.”

Jonathon paused and took a deep breath before continuing, “Susan, I need you to be honest with me, as honest as I’m being with you. Please just tell me the truth. Is this about me? Do you have feelings for me?”

Susan could see the concern in his eyes and started to cry again before answering, “Yes it’s you Jonathon. I can’t do this. I see the way Cassandra looks at you and the love you feel for each other. I just can’t work for you. Don’t you see that I feel the same way that she does? It’s killing me. I’m sorry, I know this is the one thing you didn’t want but I can’t help myself.”

Susan felt confused as Jonathon started to laugh a little before taking her hands in his, “Susan, I’m so sorry. Cassandra and I are not what you think. She’s my mother’s best friend’s daughter; we’re the same age and have been best friends since birth. Do I love her? Yes, I love her more than she knows. She’s the reason I am who I am. She has always had my back. But she is not you! I’ve never felt anything close to how I feel about you. Just being near you changes my whole world and I would do anything to keep feeling the way I feel when I’m with you.”

Jonathon knelt on the floor in front of her and asked, “Can I hug you? I really need to feel you in my arms right now.”

Susan was shaking and crying uncontrollably as she answered, “Yes, please.”

Jonathon pulled her tight to his body and felt that his world was complete as he felt her melt into his arms.

They held each other tight for a long time before Jonathon said, "I need to kiss you."

Susan didn’t reply but just pulled his face to hers and wrapped her arms around his head as she felt her whole body quiver at the touch of his lips.

There was nothing in Jonathon’s memory that came close to comparing to the feeling of her lips on his. It was like an awakening; a moment of clarity that enveloped his soul. It was the moment that everything he thought he was; everything that he was trying to protect changed and flipped. It wasn’t about him anymore, it was about her.

They held each other for a few minutes before Susan asked, “So, what do we do now? Where do we go from here? I guess I need to find a job.”

Jonathon laughed, “No, not so quick. Let’s take this slow for now Susan. It’s all happening so fast.”

“So do you want me to keep working for you?”

“Yes, but I would say that I want you to keep working with me, not so much for me.”

Susan, relieved, held his hand as he spoke, “How about this? Let’s do this trip together and get to know each other a little more before making any decisions on how to move forward.”

Jonathon moved closer and kissed her softly on the lips before smiling and saying,

“Who knows, maybe after spending two weeks together you’ll never want to see me again?”

***