Life On The Spectrum Chapter 11

Since leaving Vanguard and losing so many people who meant so much to me, I have continued to try to live as best I can. I completed an Audio production course in College and with my Uncle John made my first big serious recording, a cover of the Beatles, “If I Fell.” On Thursday Nights for a long period of time I would sing several songs as part of my Uncle’s act at a local bar, and I have had several strong auditions for bands but nothing had yet fully clicked. Still, I love playing the drums and I look for chances to sing whenever I can. My love for music is very deep.

I somehow made the Dean’s List in College at one point, and I made slow steady progress toward my associate degree. Meanwhile, the job at the theater went on and on, well past the point where I would have liked in fact.

I had a return to the clinic; this time I went all paranoid and really was at wit’s end about the future of the government and the personal nature of the scriptwriting and Abnormal Psychology classes I was taking at the time, but mostly the misery I was feeling at falling further and further behind people my age. Actually, my parents have told me that the docs think it was mostly drug interactions from a medication I had just begun taking for hypothyroidism. Whatever the cause, this time I was in the clinic for more than two weeks, and it’s a setback from which I’m still working to recover.

I went on hiatus from college and began again working with therapists to piece my life back together. To add to these years of tragedy, my maternal grandfather took a fall on Easter Sunday 2014. I heard about this when my father and I were in Nebraska for the funeral of my Uncle Ron, a farmer and tax lawyer who had died of bladder cancer on April 15 of all dates.

When we returned from Nebraska, we did a charity walk in the area helping in the fight against bladder cancer, which helped me deal with that. But we also found that the damage to my grandfather was worse than I could have imagined. He had suffered brain damage and was very seriously impaired that summer; in fact he never truly recovered. My cousin Amanda was impressive with him, very brave given that she had lost her own father (my Uncle Don) and grandmother at a very young age and Pop Pop had been close to a father to her over the years.

One great thing is that Pop Pop, a Korean War veteran, had been honored by the town of West Caldwell as its parade marshal on Memorial Day 2013—fortunately before his terrible fall, although by less than a year. I was very proud that day.

I resumed College in Fall 2014, scared but ultimately picking up my education where I had left off. I felt further behind than ever, and I know it doesn’t really matter but I still felt like an old man among kids.

In June 2015 after a grueling Spring Semester, we had to put down my best friend in the world, my beloved dog Berkeley. He’d successfully fought off his illness the summer before but when the disease (ITP, a bleeding disorder) recurred, we had to let him go.

July 2015 brought a visit to California through the Utah canyons and on to Disneyland. While things did not go exactly as planned due to the weather it was mostly a happy trip.

However, only a few weeks later, on August 9, my Pop Pop passed away. Life’s changes were coming hard and fast and I was bearing up okay, even though not all that happy with my own state in life.

The following Wednesday was Pop Pop’s wake. Literally hundreds of people came to pay their respects but it was the following day’s funeral that touched me the most, as it seemed that the entire Township of West Caldwell New Jersey including the Police and Fire Departments literally pulled out all the stops to make sure my Grandfather’s funeral procession ran smoothly. I will never forget it.

In the Fall of 2015 I returned to college for another year, took a karate class and a public speaking class. A few weeks into the semester was the Colleges Club Fair. I had been involved with Radio Club the previous year but gave up on it after one semester since it really did not interest me. I signed up for a club that looked interesting called CAP-G. I got an E-Mail telling me when they met. I went to their meeting place where I was told that if I had an interest in Television Production this was the place to be.

I was immediately enlisted as a Graphics operator for the school Newscast and felt encouraged by the producer, a strong-willed young woman with black hair who seemed really passionate about her work. A few weeks later we had a practice day where I was trained how to operate a teleprompter which I was initially terrible at, but the producer was very patient and showed me how to work it and I slowly got the hang of it. After a few more weeks writing stories for the School’s Newscast, The producer E-Mailed me saying that she liked my writing and wanted me to assist her with the editing of the scripts for the show. I was overjoyed and for the rest of the semester we edited script after script together. Following the end of the semester came Christmas 2015. While celebrating the holiday with my family at my Uncle Garrett’s House, I suddenly started wishing the producer was there; soon after I realized I was in love.

In late January I returned to College for the Spring Semester. I continued to help edit the scripts with the producer as the weeks went by I started thinking out what I would say to her to let her know how I felt about her, I spent weeks practicing to ask her out on the last recording day of the semester. When that day came I asked her if we could meet down the Jersey Shore, she agreed but I did not frame it as a date since I was so nervous about how she would react. A week later for the end of semester screening was my final chance I helped her set up the food for the attending students. I tried to continue to plan our meeting at the shore to which she seemed receptive. I realized I had to say something after the screening during the screening I contemplated what I would say to her.

About halfway through the screening I decided to keep it casual so I just thanked her for everything she had done for me over the previous two semesters and we hugged. I thought things would be all right. We would meet at the shore and I would tell her how I felt. Things went fine until a few nights later just on a whim I visited her Facebook page and discovered that she had started a relationship with someone else who she had been seeing for some time, unbeknownst to me. I was extremely angry with myself for failing to tell her how I felt. I spent the next few weeks heartbroken until I was snapped out of my misery by my Grandmothers declining health. She had been fighting cancer in the year that had elapsed since my Grandfathers death and it was beginning to take its toll.

On Memorial Day Weekend there was a monument dedication in front of the West Caldwell Fire House in honor of my Grandfather who was a volunteer firefighter for the township. Mom Mom was unable to make it to the ceremony. By the following Tuesday, she was taken to the hospital; I visited her on Thursday and she was already non-responsive. My cousin Amanda played religious songs but was overwhelmed by the emotions they brought on and had to leave the room. On Friday I went home and on Saturday Morning my Grandmother passed away. Her funeral was as well-attended, like Pop Pop’s, with everyone in the town saying goodbye. She is now with Pop Pop, and my brother and I are now without grandparents.

Throughout the Summer of 2016, I tried to go on living despite the fact that I felt that I had my heart ripped out. The Summer was very difficult and painful especially while visiting the Jersey Shore where it seemed everything reminded me of the Producer. I contemplated suicide several times but never acted on those feelings. In September of 2016, I very reluctantly returned to College. Thankfully, the Producer was no longer there as she had graduated in May, but I could not bring myself to be involved with CAP-G again and I deliberately did everything possible to avoid contact with them even shunning a friend who wanted to start a band with me. It hurt THAT much.

I took an acting class and a Scriptwriting Class where I was writing a comedy about a failed Presidential candidate who started his own 24-hour news network as a satire of the Presidential Campaign of Donald Trump whom I (and most other Americans) assumed would lose. To say Election Day 2016 was a traumatic experience would be an understatement. I truly thought this would be the end. However, as the Holidays approached a faint light stated to appear in the vast darkness consuming my soul.