Life On The Spectrum: Chapter 10

In Mid-August 2010 I suddenly realized that there were people my age and younger who were already living by themselves, halfway through College and higher up on the social ladder than I was. My years of trying to escape adulthood had caught up with me and the reality of my situation sunk in.

I realized that when I started doing part-time college it would be too little, too late. It dawned on me that I should have started taking classes sooner. It was a devastating realization and I was very upset with myself for not realizing it sooner. I realized that I was a pathetic 20-year-old living off my parents, with only a part-time job and Social Security. I could not yet drive and had wasted precious years of my life. I felt completely hopeless and wanted it to end.

Eventually toward the end of August I finally obtained a learners permit after several attempts. I returned to Vanguard in September of 2010 for my final post-grad year, once again working at USLI on Wednesdays, but on Mondays I would be working at a Boscov’s Department store at a local mall. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I would go to Community College to take a preparatory Reading Class. However, I would be forced to wait for a long time afterward since my Mother had to pick me up since I could not drive. That meant 3 long hours of nothing trying to find a place to sit down and read or just contemplate the complete mess I had made out of my life. It was humiliating hanging around the campus, I felt like an old man surrounded by the other students despite probably being only 2 or so years older than most of them. It felt like eons. My decision to delay adulthood had backfired.

Soon, I stopped caring about my daily routines. I started a self-imposed diet partly to lose weight and partly to starve myself to death. I would still eat occasionally just to make sure people did not suspect. The bright spot of my life continued to be my job at USLI where I found stability while the world around me seemed to be crumbling. My visits to my Aunt’s cubicle and the brand new Coke Machine in her building were the highlight of my USLI days.

In December 2010 I had a complete emotional breakdown that sent me to the emergency room for fear that I would commit suicide, I managed to regain my composure to survive the holidays but peace did not last long.

In late January 2011, I had an early morning appointment with my psychiatrist, and the whole family went. I was exhausted after the appointment and wanted to go home but my parents insisted on going to a restaurant for Breakfast. The place was crowded and I did not want to wait. We eventually left but not before my mother and brother made spiteful comments about my contrary ways. I was tired of this. My life had succumbed to a point, which I felt was no longer livable. I ran out onto the busy street, but my father pulled me back before I could finish the act.

At that moment I was furious, I had wanted to die and had been prevented from doing so. I sat on the sidewalk and told my parents that I wanted to die. They proceeded to call the police. The next thing I knew I was in the back of an ambulance and being taken to an ER where a cop said that he understood my problem because someone he knew had Asperger’s as well. To be perfectly honest, though, my diagnosis had not been on my mind at the time. But I guess it did contribute to my overall feeling at the time.

I took inventory. My lack of social skills made it difficult to successfully manage certain aspects that were bothering me at the time, especially my desperate longing for a romantic relationship–although I felt at the time that it was my failure to grasp a moment that had already passed that had landed me in this situation.

Next thing I know I am in a hospital bed for most of the day. Two of my uncles showed up to visit. Later that night I was committed to a local clinic. To say I had a horrible time there would be an understatement. My only condolence was a fellow patient who helped me get through the nightmare. After I got out, after only a few days, I was relieved; however, my situation had not changed. I still could not drive alone and there was still no dream girl waiting for me on my release.

Things were about to get worse; I found out that my Aunt Peggy, the one who worked at USLI with me, had been diagnosed with cancer and was going through rounds of chemotherapy. I was quite upset but felt assured that her cancer was found early and was manageable. On my 21st Birthday I went to dinner with my immediate family, as well as My grandmother, my cousin and USLI co-worker Adam, and my Aunt Peggy and her husband Uncle Joe. On the car ride back to my Grandmothers House my Aunt was talking about how she was going to fight the cancer and try not to let it kill her., I was afraid after hearing this.

When the 2010-2011 school year ended, I originally planned to seek a return to USLI as an official intern next year since I could no longer go through the Vanguard Program. However, as my aunt took a leave of absence and just got sicker and sicker throughout the summer of 2011 it became apparent to me that I would rather not go back there because of the conflicted emotions that her absence would entail. So I never properly tried to see if I could have worked longer for USLI though I desperately had wanted to. But it was too difficult to be there when my aunt wasn’t any longer.

In early July, my Cousin Ellen got married. And in September we found out that my Aunt Peggy would soon be a Grandmother. Meanwhile, I was at a crossroads. I did not know what to do with my life. I considered going into film so I did a communications course I soon changed my mind but continued through the course and passed. I tried to do a theatre course in Spring 2012 but that did not turn out all that well. Then the world stopped.

I awoke one morning in March of 2012 to hear that my Aunt Peggy did not have long to live. To make matters worse, my cousin Ellen’s baby was on the way and there was a chance that my aunt would not survive to see her grandson. It would be a race to the finish, a horrible, horrible race.

On my 22nd birthday my grandmother was discharged from the hospital, having been there for a short time for reasons I didn’t quite understand. I don’t think it was let on to me how sick she was; she was so mentally sharp and quite a good person to talk to.

In the meantime I had reluctantly created a Facebook account to keep in contact with my Vanguard friends. I asked Sean Gould if he could help me write a song for my Aunt, which we started working on. Two days later my Grandmother fell in her house and was brought to a nearby hospital on life support. The prognosis was grim. I visited her a day later. She could not talk but I know she heard me as I said goodbye.

Meanwhile my college life went on. . I was having a terrible time in my theater class but doing relatively well in my History Class. After class on Monday, two days after my grandmother had fallen, my parents had me watch her house while they went to the hospital. She died that afternoon as a priest was giving last rites. She died quickly and peacefully, with her children at her side.

The next week was of course spent having my Grandmothers wake and funeral. Then came the most difficult part: tearing apart and trying to sell my Grandparents’ house a place where I had been spending significant time since I was an infant. It was a rather bitter experience watching a huge chunk of your childhood disappear before your eyes.

Late on a Saturday night (actually early on a Sunday morning) in May 2012, on my parent’s 23rd wedding anniversary, my Aunt Peggy died of cancer. Her death came less than an hour after the birth of her Grandson Steven. She had made it to the birth of her grandson but never saw him in person.

Almost the entire staff who worked with her at USLI came to her wake. It was one of the most painful days I can ever remember. I began again contemplating returning to work at USLI as an official intern but my heart was uncertain due to the emotional ramifications that would entail with my Aunt gone. I think she would have been alright with me trying to hook on at USLI, but I never really gave it a strong chance. It’s become a matter of some regret for me, as the world has been a difficult place for me ever since.