Most known and unknown felling at the same time-L O V E

I’ve always known that I’ve had mental health issues. And I was frightened of getting close to people because I didn’t want to be a burden. I felt I was weak and I was needy and I needed pity. I can remember being terrified, absolutely terrified, of them turning round and saying ‘no, I don’t want to be your friend.’ But I have such a lovely network of people, and I love the bones of them. And I don’t think any of us have met and I think that’s incredibly powerful. It’s lovely that you can have such a strength of feeling towards somebody you haven’t actually met.

You can make mistakes, you're not going to be cast out, so there's a sense of acceptance. This is a community of solidarity, there's something very powerful in that. That's what our time calls for, nothing short of love.

And of course it's fine to not want to be something, of course it's fine to not know how to do something, it's natural, I really believe that. I'm just trying to be honest with myself. But what I haven't been able to do is be honest with others. I've not been able to stand up and say 'I'm not her husband', or, 'I'm not her boyfriend', and 'I'm not in love with her' and 'I'm not able to commit to this' and 'I'm not able to cope with this'. To say that out loud is something that is very very difficult.

I’ve never said to my mum ‘I love you’ and my mum has never said it to me. I know she loves me but I’ve never heard those words. My mum’s eighty-three now so, you know, I don’t know how much longer I’ll have her. I mean, every time I leave her I give her a big cuddle but I can’t say those words. What if my mum passes and I’ve never said it? I know, if I don’t tell my mum I love her, I’ll regret it."