Learning a little about Love

I have a confession to make: I am not the single most confident person in the world.

Despite being fairly outspoken at times, a little loud at others and in general a bit manic and over-the-top, I'm actually an introvert. During the course of the years, I've learned that being a wallflower really doesn't help me achieve my goals or make connections with other people. And those connections are important for so many different reasons, but I wont get into them right here and now.

I dislike being the centre of attention. I am however, very well aware that sometimes that level of attention is, and has been, necessary for a number of industries I've worked in. When your income is dependent on the strength of relationships you can form in a short period of time, it can be very hindering to want to shrink from attention and hide.

As a young woman with limited finances, I could not afford to talk to a professional about where my insecurities came from, though I knew I needed to deal with them as effectively as possible. So I did what every introverted avid reader would do.

I turned to the Self Help section of my local book store.

There is a lot of noise out there in Self Improvement/Self Help. So very many voices all clamouring for our attention, and ultimately our cash. The people pushing their self help processes are, by necessity, very good at convincing us they have all the answers. They are very effective marketers and even more so when they have an advertising department behind them. That doesn't mean the advice is actually relevant to each individual who buys into it.

Have you ever heard some fantastic advice from a guru, come away feeling super motivated and ready to change your life? Only to find after following the advice, when said guru is no longer in your ear, you actually haven't changed much, if at all?

That's because:

A. Not all advice works for everyone (no matter how much the guru tells you it does), and;

B. That is their job. To sell their program, idea, book.

It doesn't mean that everything they say is rubbish. There is good advice in amongst it all. For a long time, my favourite advice has been take what advice works for you and leave the rest.

Which brings me to some advice I received that I wanted to share. Someone recommended I read The 5 Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Chapman.

I recommend you read it, too. Not for the reasons you might think. My marriage ended in divorce and I'm currently single. Clearly it did not help me in my love life.

The book did change me though. It changed the single most important relationship in my life.

My relationship with myself.

This book was meant to teach us how to effectively express love to others and focuses on our romantic partnerships. But I learned how I feel appreciated by others and how to identify, through interactions, the same for others. It has helped me build stronger friendships and working relationships. It has helped me understand the actions of others. And my own.

This book changed the way I view relationships. I don't mean that in a romantic or intimate way. Relationship literally means how a number of objects (or people) interact or relate to one another. It changed how I interact with my family, my friends and my co-workers. I have a better appreciation of what makes them feel appreciated and loved.

The reverse of this is knowing how my actions, or lack of, can cause feelings of alienation and under valuation in others. People tend to lash out when afraid and being afraid of losing someone is one of the most fundamental fears humans have.

And that is as valuable as knowing how to make someone feel loved. To know why they lashed out and how we contributed to that. I do not subscribe to the idea that I can make someone feel anything or that they could do the same to me. But we can certainly encourage people to feel a particular way.

There are parts of the book I did not particularly take to well. The author and his wife refer to their time acting as counsellors with their church and refer to God at times in the book. I am Christian myself, but I don't feel the need to refer to my faith as often as the book did. However, the references are contained in examples of how to interpret the information the book teaches. So, if you choose to read 5 Languages and like me you religious references a tad distracting, bare with it.

Like myself, you may find the time valuable in the end.