Unapologetic

I have trouble telling my coming out story, because the truth is it’s all a blur. It’s a messy road filled with both shame and pride, in which I took many U-turns and escape routes. I remember bits and pieces, and the chronology of these events doesn’t seem to make much sense.

I started thinking that maybe I could be gay at some point during the summer between 10th and 11th grade, and it terrified me. I felt sad and ashamed and anxious, except when I was with her. When I was with her, I had butterflies, I was too busy to feel the sadness and the shame. I didn’t love her, but I liked her a lot. And at the end of that summer I told her how I felt. Since she didn’t reciprocate those feelings, nothing happened, and I forgot about it.

Until she came out as bisexual, then I remembered. So, I did what I believed any person would do: I found myself a boyfriend. At least I tried. We scheduled a date and I cancelled at the last minute, telling him I had things to figure out and to think over. I didn’t.

She told me she was disappointed when she heard I was dating this guy; she was thinking about me. We kissed, but we were such good friends, we decided to stay just that. We stopped talking. I told my best friend about it, but never mentioned it again and neither did she.

In 11th grade, I remember coming out a lot, mostly at parties. From vague ‘’I’m not gay but girls are hotter than guys.’’ to yelling ‘’power of the pussy’’ in the streets. When the party was over, and that we all went home, nobody ever mentioned it.

In 12th grade, I talked to the school social worker. I asked her how to tell if you’re gay, or pansexual, or bisexual, or just straight. Prom was coming up, so she asked me what I pictured as a best-case scenario prom date. I admitted it was dancing a pretty girl in a matching dresses. She said that sounded pretty gay.

So, I told my best friend, again, that I was pretty gay. She said 'ok'. Then I told her I wasn’t. She said 'ok'. And I went back, told her I definitely was. She said 'ok'. That went on for a few weeks, and that friend never rushed or questioned me: to her, I was whatever I told her I was.

My sister joked about me dressing like a lesbian. Truth be told, I was. I went to the Village to give out CVs in coffee shops. A barista asked me if I was gay because they only hired gays. I must have had a terrified look on my face because he immediately apologized, said it was a joke and took my CV. He seemed to feel bad and I just went straight home.

I told my sister I was gay, but that it wouldn’t change anything because I was still going to marry a man, have a couple of kids and that I would somehow find a way to be happy : fake it ‘til you make it. That summer, I started dating the guy from 11th grade.

But it was also the summer Hayley Kiyoko released Girls Like Girls, and that’s when the perspective shifted. This song, it put rainbow tainted glasses over my eyes, and opened a whole new world in which being gay wasn’t shameful. Just like that, I was understood, I was valid. I went to my first Pride, and got called a slur. I didn't care though. I decided I was going to be happy. I was going to be unapologetic and loud and in-your-face Proud.

1. Hayley Kiyoko - Girls Like Girls

Tell the neighbors I'm not sorry

If I'm breaking walls down

2. Fletcher - Sex (With My Ex)

And I know that I'm losing my mind

And it feels like I'm losing you twice

3. Hoshi - Amour censure

Vos coups m'ont donnés de l'allure

Pour le meilleur et pour le pire

J'prendrai sa main un jour c'est sûr

Translation Your blows gave me pace/ For better and for worse/ I'll take her hand for sure

4. Coeur de pirate - T'es belle

Au fil des films et des romans

On doit se faire emmener

Par un prince pour être délivrée

Translation Through films and novels/ We have to be taken/ By a prince to be freed.

5. Fletcher - Bitter

I know you think about me when you kiss her

I left a taste in your mouth, can she taste me now?

6. King Princess -Talia

I can taste your lipstick, I can lay down next to you

But it's all in my head

7. Charlotte Cardin - Go Flex (Post Malone Cover)

She got a man but she says she really like me

8. Angèle - Tu me regardes

Les échecs me font peur

Je jouais avec le roi, la reine a pris mon cœur

Translation Chess scare me/ I was playing with the king, the queen took my heart

9. Lil Nas X - Montero (Call Me By Your Name)

Tell me you love me in private

10. Hayley Kiyoko - Chance

I was a no, never maybe

I knew she'd never take a chance on me

11. Studio Killers - Jenny

Jenny take my hand

I cannot pretend

Why I never like your new boyfriends