Ugly Girl

In 2006, punk music sounded exactly like who I wanted to be. Bands like The Distillers, Against me!, Defiance Ohio, and Bikini Kill were making music with so much raw power, I was consistently overtaken with emotion when listening. So who was I at this time? I was a late bloomer in every sense of the word. A skinny, insecure, dreadfully shy stoner chick who truly struggled through life. I was never the prettiest in the room, or the smartest. My voice was often overshadowed by a cloud of ego and entitlement that came from the popular crowd in a small rural high school. The type of confidence that came from these 16 year olds could only arise from upper middle class white families who taught them they are number one no matter what, and anyone different from you is a freak.

Growing up in a rural area, the internet around this time was just starting to pick up. The discovery of limewire and MySpace was life altering for me and my small group of friends. For the first time ever, true indie and alternative music was at our fingertips. For kids growing up in the city, going to all ages shows and seeing bands on weekends with like minded individuals was something you could do weekly. But for us, discovering new music looked very different. We would get subscriptions to magazines like Alternative Press and order random CD’s and see what we liked, or stay up late to see The Punk Show on Much Music. Yes kids it’s true, Much Music actually played music at one time! Our family was about to go through multiple desktop computers, as I infected every last one with virus infested MP3’s downloaded from sketchy sites. How in my glory I was watching videos of Anti Flag in concert, chanting politically driven lyrics to a crowd of people, fists high in the air. I’d sing back to the screen, lyrics I didn’t quite understand at the time, but new to be important. Nobody in that crowd cared about anything in that moment but being a part of that moment.

Punk music was louder than you, it could care less about you, it was unapologetic, and it was tough as hell. Everything I wanted to embody. For the first time I was hearing female fronted bands scream about being angry at how the world treated us. It was like I was finally given permission to call out f**ked up sexist behaviour most feminine people are subjected to their whole lives. Ideas were being brought to my attention for the first time by people I would never meet, but were changing my life and how I felt about myself.

By 2009, at 19 I moved out of my small town. In the city, I changed my identity. I was never a shy, meek, late bloomer there. In the city, I wore what I wanted, I did what I wanted, I was outspoken, and I could care less. I learned to be unapologetically myself, and that sound I downloaded through the slow dialup internet in the middle of nowhere was my greatest teacher.

Songs of my Youth:

Bikini Kill- Rebel Girl

Against Me!- We laugh at danger (and break all the rules)

Anti Flag- 1 trillion dollar$

The Distillers- Hall of mirrors

Defiance Ohio- Chads favourite song

The Unseen- False hope

NOFX- Linoleum

This Bike is a Pipe Bomb- Better off Dead