The Hearing Mirror

Music is the universal language, a mixture of chords and melodies that speak to the human soul regardless of culture. It is the thing that is so deeply personal that there are clear divides in taste and palatability, yet it connects so many people of similar affinities regardless of national borders. It can comfort, empathize, and encourage in the span of several minutes. It inspires us, it can set the mood for a romantic dinner or get the entire audience pumped inside of a nightclub. For many, the music we connect to during certain points in our lives floods us with memories of those times, serving as looking-glasses into when we connected with a particular song. For me, music was my guardian angel, my reflection, and the guiding force which helped me find my identity.

Now I know it may be hard to tell from my name, but I am East Asian, the child of immigrant parents. Growing up in a suburb with little to no racial diversity, I was a ripe target for bullying. And to the bullies, there was no better time to do this than when I was walking home from school while they themselves were in the safety of their speeding cars. How very brave of them.

My house was a mere ten to fifteen minute walk from school, and the district had deemed it unnecessary to have a bus stop so close. At first, I thought it would be no problem. After all, what could go wrong during a nice walk in the sun after school?

Unfortunately, I had grown up in a very sheltered environment up until my middle school years. And lo and behold, I was little prepared for the dog-eat-dog jungle that would be public high school.

After the first day of school as I was walking home, I remember someone screaming a slur at me as they sped by in their cars, followed by laughter. The experience was shocking and dizzying, and it took me several days to process. This was unaided by the fact that those around me were mostly disinterested in hearing about what had happened. Many said that it was merely a joke and that I should get over it. It did not help that this began happening on a weekly basis.

To counter this, I bought myself a Zune (any hipsters/contrarians in the room remember those?) and blasted music from my earphones during my walks home so I wouldn't have to hear the bullies. Once home, I would turn my amp up to full volume and rock to these songs on my electric guitar.

During these years, I became camera-shy, hesitant to take pictures of myself as my confidence and self-esteem plummeted to the ground. So to me, music was not only my guardian from the hateful speech of those of the outside world--it also served as remembrance of times past, and each song marks a time in my life, much like a photograph does. Instead of a camera roll or scrapbook filled with photos taken with friends at parties and at malls, I instead have these playlists, filled with songs that allow me to be consumed by the nostalgia that a photograph would give others. I see my life through my mind's eye with music in the background, like a music video. So let us now embark on this journey through my angsty teen years, when I began soul-searching.

Warning: May contain a bit of cringe!

1. "Face Down" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

A song about domestic abuse, it took the punk rock world by storm and went mainstream, charting at #24 on the Billboard Hot 100. This was a song that became a fond memory of mine of better days, because this was the song I played with my friends in middle school at our last talent show.

2. "Wake Me up When September Ends" by Green Day

I found this song quite late, considering that it was released in 2005 when I was in middle school and I only found it in high school. The sorrow and wistfulness that echoes within the lyrics and acoustic guitar, followed by the explosion of emotion of the electric guitar riffs and entry of the drums is enough to bring tears to anyone's eyes. It's amazing how powerfully music captures emotion too difficult to put into words, and it seems alive, as if empathizing with what we are feeling at the moment. This song offered me much comfort during many a depressed night.

3. "The Great Escape" by Boys Like Girls

Honestly, this is one of the best pop punk anthems of the mid-2000s. This song was a brief respite from all the angst, reminding me of the silver lining in my life. It definitely makes the listener want to make a spontaneous road trip to Los Angeles. This song also made it mainstream, peaking at #23 on the Billboard Hot 100.

4. "Sk8er Boi" by Avril Lavigne

How can I leave out the song that started it all for me, by the Queen of Punk Rock herself, Avril Lavigne? I heard this song while in elementary school, and I can confidently say that this particular song was my gateway drug into the world of rock and electric guitar. As I am sure it was for thousands of others.

5. "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance

This song here is peak teen angst of the mid-2000s. This song actually broke the top ten of the Billboard Hot 100, peaking at number 9. As a longtime fan of the band, it feels great seeing lead singer Gerard Way succeed in his other ventures, most notably The Umbrella Academy, which has been adapted into a series by Netflix.

6. "Numb" by Linkin Park

Linkin Park was one of my top go-to bands, especially during late nights when I was especially angry or sad, or if I simply wanted to capture some hype before a workout. You may know them from the several other notable hits under their belt such as "What I've Done", "New Divide", "In the End", and more. Their songs have always helped me wade through my teen years, and their last song before lead singer Chester Bennington's passing, "Heavy", hit especially close to home. Thank you, Chester Bennington, for all those you have helped.

7. "Fix You" by Coldplay

This song was my first venture into the mainstream. At this point, my music library began expanding, as I found that I could relate to songs outside of my initial tastes. This is also a very encouraging, special song.

8. "One" by Epik High

After wrestling with many of my darker feelings and conflicts concerning my identity, I stumbled upon an interesting music video. These were the days of the advent of Youtube, and I cannot express how thankful I am for it. Because of Youtube, I was able to find KPOP. KPOP truly helped to ground me in my identity as an Asian American, and it began a whole new chapter in my life during which I finally found myself. This is an ode to the first song I listened to from the genre, the song that started it all, the song that helped me to expand my horizons and realize that there was a whole world out there to explore. I cannot express how happy I am that KPOP has become much more accepted in the mainstream now.

9. "Stand Out Fit In" by One Ok Rock

By my college years, punk rock had largely been sidelined by the mainstream and had sadly become a thing of the past. As mentioned above, I was by this time enamored in KPOP. Meeting new people at university and rapidly advancing internet technologies provided a way for me to further expand my horizons into international media. Much to my excitement, punk rock was still going strong in Japan, and it was here I had the pleasure of discovering a band called One Ok Rock. Anyone who misses the punk rock scene of the mid-2000s, I highly, highly encourage them to give these guys a try. I cannot stress enough how fantastic they are, and how perfectly they hit the punk-rock sweet spot. Among my favorites are "Mighty Long Fall", "Heartache", "We Are", and "The Beginning". However, the song that really hit close to home for me was "Stand Out Fit In". Anyone who feels as if they are defined by those around them and wants to break free, give this song a listen, paying close attention to the lyrics.

When I reflect upon my music tastes and who I am now, there have been noticeable changes from the days of my past. From dealing with depression and identity, to trying to conform, then to finding who I really am and becoming comfortable with myself, music is the companion that has always walked by my side during my journey. It has served as a mirror--a reflection of who I was at a certain moment in my life--as I am sure it does for all of us.

As someone who has no photos from my high school years, music has become the medium through which I revisit those days. Sometimes on a dark night I will put in my earphones, and like looking through a photobook, I will listen to certain songs and drown myself in them. The music serves to connect the dots of my memories, and it reminds me of who I was then so that I can appreciate who I am today all the more.

"Spring Day" by BTS