The Cadence of My Existence

CONTENT WARNING: DEPRESSION AND SELF-HARM NOTATED IN THIS STORY. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION.

A Playlist on Life

As we go throughout life, it's easy to become stuck in the madness that sits within our day-to-day activities. As functioning members of society, no matter how loose that term may be, we have obligations to carry out throughout the day. Do the homework. Feed the cat. Go to school or work. Play with the dog. Read a bedtime story to Timmy. Put food in our bodies and make sure we have clothing clean for the next day.

While these duties might change a bit as we grow older, our commitments throughout only seem to increase. We don't have a lot of extra time for anything, but one thing that will always be a frequent player in our lives in the music that we listen to. It holds tight to us just as we do to it.

Music has a way of being there for us when no one else is. It understands the feelings we don't vocalize, helps to answer the questions within us that tend to go unasked, whether it's due to our own anxieties or simply ignorance.

With music being such a pivotal part of the incredibly human lives that we live (unless you're an alien, I'm not judging), have you ever considered the playlist of your life? Have you ever wondered about what songs speak more truly to your being than others? You might be surprised at what you find. They do say that music is the way to the soul.

If you're angry and wanna knock shit off your bosses desk like a cat, put on some Ain't No Rest for the Wicked. If you're in a loving mood and want to do nothing but cuddle with your dog, maybe go for something a little more wholesome and mellow.

The point is--music understands. And it doesn't hold grudges.

What is a Life Playlist?

We listen to music consistently throughout the day, but have you noticed some speak to you more than others? Whether it's their lyrics or the rhythmic melodies, there are those special tunes that just hit you in an entirely different way.

Here's a project for you-and don't skip out on it-take a gander at the playlist you've listened to throughout the years. Look at the songs that have came and gone, and also those that have withstood the test of time. A good way to do this is checking out Youtube or Spotify! Those places you ALWAYS went to listen to your jams, even if you may have not had enough money at the time to buy the newest records.

Once you have a good number of tunes (twelve? Thirteen?) that you feel describe your life and the circumstances that you went through, you might be surprised to see what's in front of you. It's your life. Your very own story, and playlist.

My Cadence

1. Careful by Paramore

When I was in high school, this song by Paramore rode with me everyday to school. I was struggling severely with both bullying and depression that came as a result of that, so having this band by my side was like having lunch with a special friend.

Not only was Paramore the first real band I ever grew attached to, but they were also the first musicians that I was able to meet. My poor parents drove me three states away to watch them perform live and meet them! Seventeen hours.

Yes. I completely freaked.

You never forget your first band.

2. Play On by Carrie Underwood

Like Paramore, this song by Carrie Underwood reminded me that no matter how bad things get you HAVE to push forward. To play on. Yes, your boyfriend broke up with you. Yes, you might actually not be as straight as you thought, but damn it, girl. You've got this. Learn to enjoy this crazy ride in front of you and for goodness sakes, don't ever be ashamed of who you are.

3. Warrior by Beth Crowley

While I found this singer a bit later in my years, as she's still fairly new, I remember listening to this song around my senior year. I was just now beginning to explore fantasy writing and her song held the greatest muse that I put together to help form my first full-length novel.

4. I Am Invincible by Cathleen Pope

Do I need to explain why this song speaks volumes?

5. Victoria's Secret by Jax

Okay, I can't be the ONLY one who wishes this song had made it's debut years ago. If my middle-school self had heard this, I probably would have managed to shake off at least a bit of the anxiety and enjoy more of what those teenage years had to offer.

With that said, I am beyond happy that girls (and boys!) these days will be able to listen to this incredible truth.

6. Head Above Water by Avril

When I went throughout university, again dealing with depression, things got worse than ever before. Not only was I considering calling the whole thing off, but being away from home for the first time was hard. I hated it. And the whole thing was made worse by the fact that I was supposed to be "enjoying" myself like the rest of my peers.

On the outside, I was smiling. But, in reality, I was seconds away from taking my last breath.

7. Fight Song by Rachel Platten

As the years got more challenging, and I began to realize that no one would save me but myself, I kicked the depression and harmful thoughts to the curb. I told them to buzz off, and reminded myself that no one else will make my dreams come true but me.

8. Savage Daughter by Sarah Ross

A savage. Damn right. That's exactly what I am, and that's why I love this song. It reminded me that each of us are warriors. Fighters who stepped from one generation to the next. We have the power to do anything, no matter how much it might shake the world.

9. Do What You Can by Bon Jovi and Jennifer Nettles

COVID, anyone? When 2020 took place, I was working at a nursing home. I'll never forget the first few weeks of the virus. It was like a war-zone.

Red plastic hanging from all the halls. My colleagues and I covered in full protection gear. These residents that I had spent so many days with loving and laughing with, crying even, were locked in a room like they had been sentenced to prison.

On top of that, we were given a single mask to work with. We were also under-staffed. I remember working 2 halls, 20 something people needing constant care, with just me and myself alone.

As a CNA, I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. My 2 other team-mates worked the other two halls and were equally drained. I wanted to quit, but several of my residents were like family to me. I couldn't imagine leaving them.

No matter how scary things became, I went to work every day and reminded myself that they needed me. Not my pathetic Director of Nursing. Not my supervisor. My residents.

I can't tell you how many I was forced to say goodbye to, but I remember one day my friend and I started keeping a tally of how many lives COVID had taken from us. I'll never forget any of them.

Six weeks later, once we finally had a handle on this disease but while things were still just as bad, if not worse, on our being short-staffed, one of my residents caught me having a bit of a miniature break down in her room. She was my favorite, though I'd never say that aloud.

For the sake of this story, we'll call her Liz. She had dementia. She would always ask about her children and in the end began to see me as her daughter. Truly as if she believed it. I went along with it every day. I would run and hug her like she was my very own mamma. We'd have dinner. Coffee dates. Those were the best. I used them to encourage her to get out of bed and be active.

One day, I even got her a dog stuffed animal she named Coujo. She never let him get out of her sight.

Now, Liz hadn't had a full, coherent conversation with anyone since I'd started working there over two years ago. If I told the others at the nursing home, they would have laughed and said it wasn't possible what happened next.

"What's wrong, Dear?" Liz asked me. Her voice spooked me, but only because I'd thought she was asleep. The room was dark and I hadn't seen her wake up.

I looked over to her, her silver blue eyes watched me with concern. She reached out with her hand, having been lying in her bed asleep. I lied and told her everything was okay. I was just taking a break.

"You're not okay," she said sternly, the surest look in her eyes. I'd never seen it before on her. This woman with so many difficulties was speaking with me right there, knowing every bit of what we were discussing. "I know you're not. You're staying here for me, but you need to go. I want you to leave. I love you and you need to go."

I crumpled into tears as I gave her the biggest hug. She hugged me back, smiling, and it felt like, even for just that moment, things would be okay. I spent the rest of the night replaying that moment again and again in my head, trying to figure out how it had even been possible.

My resignation was posted the next day. I cried when I did it, but I knew that it was the right thing for me and my family.

With that said, I stayed in touch with Liz and her loved-ones. I even had the experience of going to say goodbye to her at her funeral. Coujo was buried next to her, and so was the Bible I'd gotten her to color in.

Every time I hear this song playing, I think of COVID-and then her. You do what you can no matter what faces you.

10. Easy on Me by Adele

Finally, I know that we all make mistakes. We do things that we just wish we could have made happen differently. I resonate with this song in a strong way, as I feel personally there are just so many moments where I messed up. Times when I should have acted kinder to a person, or more confident even.

But, here's the thing....no matter how many times you fall, you will always get back up. Falling isn't failing. Quitting is.

That's that!

The next time you consider the different music that you listen to, try to see if you can find the meaning that lies behind each song. I'm not talking about the artist's thoughts when they wrote it.

No. Consider the personal meaning. The significance that it has to you.

Live life loud, and never forget the power of one's own melody.