Soundtrack of a Homeless Addict's Wife

If this were a support group meeting, I might say: Hi, my name is Marilyn. My husband is a homeless addict.

Instead, I am using Vocal Media's Soundtrack of The Year Challenge to share an intimate part of my life that I haven't written about on this platform. 2024 has been a whirlwind of emotional flux as my husband's near brush with death sent me back in time reliving much heartache, anger, and frustration. Dredging up old memories recaptured a darkness I never thought I'd see again.

I found my way back to light through music so I share my story through music.

Please read, withholding judgment because if unaware, drugs and alcohol affect 1 in 8 Americans.

My husband( we'll call him J) and I met in 1990 through mutual friends. We welcomed our first daughter in 91, married in 92, welcomed daughter 2 in 93, and broke up the same year just shy of our first wedding anniversary.

I was two months short of 22 when we split.

While we never rekindled our relationship, we also never divorced. The years that followed equaled cycles of his notorious disappearing act, comeback periods (seemingly sober holding a steady job), in and out of our daughters' lives, and so many instances of good, bad, and ugly rolled into one.

I suppose, after a time, I gave up on the legalities, after all, addiction has a way of overpowering life; the victim, the family- mothers, fathers, siblings, spouses, and children. Addiction shows no one mercy!

Surely this is not a story that fits in a 2000-word constraint.

My music selection unites 2024 events with memories from the past. Lyrics aligned with traces of yesteryear helped me navigate continued spousal addiction.

From tears, trials, and tribulation, this is my to-black and back, a true testament to thirty years of enduring the domino effect of substance abuse.

My 2024 Soundtrack

1. Back to Black- Amy Winehouse

When I first heard the news of my husband's hospitalization, my thoughts immediately turned to his addiction history. Beginning with alcohol at age 12, J has been strongarmed by this disease for 40 years.

Amy Winehouse sings about infidelity, which resonates. I left J in 93 after uncovering two affairs, one with a woman and one with a man. It was the final straw in an already doomed marriage, but personally, Back to Black goes much deeper than cheating.

I equate the "her" in Winehouse's song not to a lover but to substance abuse.

Recalling the later years, all the times my husband let our daughters down with empty promises, especially leaving little girls sitting by windows for hours waiting for Daddy to come, but Daddy never did.

His addiction trumped all else. When the girls were older, my husband told his flesh and blood that drugs would always be more important to him than them.

Times like these, and there were many when I died a little more inside.

"His safe bet"- drugs and alcohol.

2. Lost on You- LP

Me: "Hi, do you know who this is?"

J: "I hope so, after all, we are still married."

This marks our opening conversation in 2024 after a decade's silence.

Like a lawyer would say, my husband opened the door by leading with this topic so I pressed forward and tried to discuss our long overdue divorce. True to J style, he half-laughed and diverted to his recent breakup with an abusive man, ignoring my every word.

Lost on You is a gritty, raw portrayal by artist LP (Laura Pergolizzi) about a narcissist and their codependency and resonates profoundly.

My husband's condition, Histrionic Personality disorder with narcissistic, suicidal, and anorexic tendencies has been addiction's silent partner all these years.

Although a different narrative in 2024, J's demeanor transported me to earlier days when his grandeur sense of self, empty emotions, and empathetic lack of how his actions affected others left our family feeling helpless, hurt, and even otherwise to blame for things he did.

LP's high notes in Lost on You reach into the depths of my soul.

It's the screaming into the void I often felt living with my husband.

It's the screaming into the void I experienced time and time again after our breakup each time something else went astray traumatizing our family even more.

In 2024 I screamed into the void again finding someone who heard me- LP.

3. Space Oddity- David Bowie

David Bowie has always been one of J's favorite artists. Oddly enough, they share the same androgynous appeal.

Space oddity alludes to Bowie's struggle to get clean. Heroin, the poison in question, took its ugly grip on my husband during the early 2000s. In what was supposed to be one of J's come-back periods, he became addicted to oxycodone prescribed to him for back pain. Constant visits to local emergency rooms for refills soon raised suspicions and his supply was cut short.

A friend introduced him to heroin and it all went downhill from there.

In recent years, my estranged husband self reportedly kicked the habit. It sounded nice but it's hard to believe a habitual liar.

During our continued phone conversation, J detailed his recent abusive relationship further, revealing a notorious heroin dealer. In that instant, my mind replayed the past and knew he didn't stop shooting up.

4. Comfortably Numb- Pink Floyd

A brief phone conversation with my husband reeled months-long after-effects.

His word choices and tone carried me to many instances of a man experiencing a drug-induced state, a self-built fortress to protect his already fragile mental condition. Numbing his pain often meant hurting others.

HURT- throwing own children under the heroin debt collector bus putting them in danger, even going as far as to offer the younger daughter up as payment to save one's skin.

Yes, these things actually happen not just in Law & Order: SVU!

Pink Floyd has helped mediate my emotions. I will never excuse J's actions, and while I cannot imagine what it's like living inside his head, I have slowly come to terms with the mental health/addiction component.

2024 relapsed my depression with many bed-ridden days not wanting to lift the covers from my face.

5. Who Can I Run To- Xscape

For this song choice, I revisit another Vocal Media challenge. This song was featured on Playist of a 90's Stripper ( Second place in the Melodic Milestone Playlist Challenge)

In 2024 I listened to this song a lot. While a nod to my time as an exotic dancer, the intimate meaning speaks to when I danced to soothe my pain.

Before my stripper days, I began drinking to avoid the heartache and devastation associated with my breakup. Luckily, I drew a parallel to my deceased grandfather, a lifelong alcoholic, and found another way to deal with my emotions.

Dancing was my art, the constant body in motion, expressing myself when words failed me.

Xscape sings to my loneliness and insecurity during a time when talking about the mechanics of my failed relationship felt shameful. Marriage to an addict with mental health and sexual identity issues was not a dinner-time conversation. Yet, bonds formed with dancers like myself allowed tight-lipped dialogues due diligence.

At 53, dance is still my art minus a stage, bright lights, and fancy costumes.

6. A Horse With No Name

America reunited my love of 70s music and childhood with this song.

I've had my married name Glover longer than my maiden Greb. Spousal addiction has often left me questioning who the hell am I but A Horse With No Name is a welcomed turning point and a journey in a new direction.

Marilyn Greb, I see more and more of her with each listen, remembering my love of horses, the freedom they portray, and the free will I have to reconnect with that girl.

Meditative in many ways and the inner child's request to release the reins.

In the desert, you can remember your name

'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la

7. People Are Strange- The Doors

When I met J, I was completely taken by his quirkiness and playful personality. He was a bit odd, yes, he was strange, but I was content, knowing I was strange, too.

Snippets of our phone conversation felt like looking into our happier days.

The blue-eyed towhead blonde, the skater boy, the goth mashup punk boy, the singer, the witty conversationalist, the daredevil, the history buff, the talented young man destined to do great things.

On the flipside, I know in my heart his freedbird spirit masks a depressed personality. I don't think he has ever felt at peace in this world, and I know that some of that feeling derives from being adopted.

Adopted by well-to-do parents when he was an infant, J was afforded more opportunities and privileges than most, but being given up by his biological college-aged parents has always haunted him.

People Are Strange gave my 2024 a heads-up: we are not all built alike. Individuality is our birthright but fitting in, in a world that often dictates otherwise, is not equally endured.

8. Foolish Games- Jewel

You're always brilliant... in the morning

Smoking your cigarettes

And talking... over coffee

Your philosophies on art

Baroque moved you, you loved Mozart

These lines speak of a husband I once knew, one who once upon a time, I thought was my forever love.

Yes, I reminisced a little about the good old days, hearing snippets from long ago in a voice sounding old for 53.

Alternatively:

Excuse me...

Think I've mistaken you for... somebody else

Somebody who gave a damn

Somebody more like myself!

A snap back to reality indicative of self-centered revelations, even on my estranged husband's deathbed.

But he didn't die.

9. I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues- Elton John

J chose this as our song when we were teens.

Weeks after our conversation, J was released to a Salvation Army shelter. Rehab and ongoing treatment for cirrhosis is a huge responsibility, unlike my husband's personality. Hints of failure were evident in his suddenly silenced conversation with our eldest daughter.

Off the grid again, and only one correspondence since, which equated to a lot of BS.

I noted his song choice from years ago and decided it was time to keep fond memories close to my heart while releasing all that's lesser than.

Things that no longer serve me.

It's a work in progress, some days are easy, others, rough.

10. Halo- LP (Beyonce Cover)

Like the lyrics, I've spent years building walls to protect myself. Intimacy and romantic relationships are not my strength; perhaps one day.

A conversation with my long-estranged husband has given me some closure in case we never speak again. Late-stage cirrhosis foretells borrowed time; truthfully, I never thought J would see 53.

LP's crescendo appeal speaks to personal rebuilding.

Halo also represents the fading light of a father, extending to his children and grandchildren- our two brilliant daughters, each with a son, the youngest born this year in April. These are the blessings amid the curses and a reminder that all is not forsaken.

Loss leveraged with new generations.

***

My to-black and back is a continuous journey requiring daily mental health check-ins but a personal 2024 soundtrack helps ease painful memories while keeping forward focused on brighter days ahead.

Thanks for reading without judgment! 🙏🙏🙏

Author's note: This was a difficult write. I halted the process several times. My mum always said my life story should be a movie. Maybe so. Truth be told real life trumps any production, and sadly, there are many more Marilyns and Js out there.

This is dedicated to all survivors of addiction- you are not alone!