Self

Dear Reader,

Let me set the scene for you, as without it, what follows might seem like a hollow exercise in response to some arbitrary competition. I have been building this playlist since I’ve known what a playlist was, and honestly probably before that. The following are not top hits. Some aren’t even what folks would call ‘good songs.' No, this is a labor of love, a personal journey chronicled by track. So I invite you, dear reader, to take a chance and explore this musical odyssey with me, explore who I am as a writer, music listener, and human.

Kids in America - LEN

It’s the new millennium. The year 2000. I’m eight years old, and I’m watching the new Digimon movie with my friends. I don’t know what a score is, all I knew was that there were these kids on the screen and they were saving the world to this theme. Youtube wasn’t a thing until 2005 mind you, and searching for a song from an anime movie just wasn't possible. I had to ask Jeeves, and he didn’t even know what a Digimon was. I ended up dubbing it the Digimon song. It was my first true musical obsession, a tune that captured the essence of my youth and the unbridled joy of childhood adventure. Even now as I listen I go back to being eight again, saving the world - or you know, something like that.

She - Green Day

If we move the clock forward a year we come to 2001, specifically July 31st. For my birthday that year I got my very first Dolby CD player. It was great, it had a play button, a pause button, and no CDs. I grew up with my grandparents and they didn’t foresee this problem. They thought ‘buy the thing, he’ll like the thing, end of story.’ Now, what could have been a solution was going to FYE, which still existed in malls (those big buildings that had a bunch of physical stores in them) back then. But that wasn’t my grandpa’s style. He had two passions in life, and both of them were garage sailing. We would wake up at 5am to peruse house after house, until finally there, among the piles of bric-a-brac and trinkets, was the holy grail: a CD. You never forget your first CD, and this was it: Dookie by Green Day. I played that CD until the scratches had scratches and eventually only one song was left. ‘She’. A track with a killer base vibe and infectious tune, and still brings back a little of that warm nostalgia. In 2013 that CD breathed its last, but I couldn't bring myself to throw it away.

Simple and Clean - Utada Hikaru

Be me, in 2002, still only 10 years old. For most kids this isn’t a problem. Their parents don’t give a rip about video game ratings. Not my grandpa. No sir, Harry Duwayne Eva cared very much that his grandson’s eyes weren’t spoiled with degenerative titles like 'Conker’s bad fur day' and 'Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3.’ I wasn’t a teenager yet so I was restricted to the E for everyone section of games, otherwise known as the baby section. I found one game that looked cool with a big bold E on the corner of the box. It was my time to shine. Now, the game itself was fun, but what was truly awesome was that banger of an outro song. I beat that game sixteen times (not a lot, but I was renting) just so I could listen to that song. It reminds me of a time that just was more simple and clean. It reminds me of what it means to be innocent… I miss that.

Feel Like Rain - Motion City Soundtrack

Just like that we’re in 2005. I don’t know when it hits for everyone else, but my emo phase hit hard in the precious era of 05'-07'. My grandmother had just passed away the summer before and boy was I going to let that ruin my hair for the next three years. I wish I had gotten into content creation, instead, what I did get into was Motion City Soundtrack. My aunt bought me the 'Commit this to Memory' album for Christmas and I was determined to annoy everyone singing it. It was on the front of my Myspace page for I don’t even know how long. Motion City was one of those bands where you could say, ‘I like this band’ and people would nod their heads because they didn’t know about them, or scream because they did. It really made you cool though, if you didn’t just know ‘Everything Is Alright.’ ‘Feel Like Rain’ has this raw emo anthem feeling to it that even though it was my dark years, feels right to include in this list. Notable mentions to all Three Days Grace songs.

No One Likes Superman Anymore - I Fight Dragons

The year is 2010 and I am THIS close to getting an I Fight Dragons tattoo as soon as I turn eighteen. This. This is my band. Have you ever been the first in a friend group to find out about a thing? Yeah. This is the band that I found out about. I was browsing the list of bands that were going to be participating in the 2009 Vans Warped Tour (RIP), and I stumbled across them. I think they had something like 1,000 listeners or less. It was crazy. They did this thing called Chiptune, and they performed their concerts using video game controllers and guitars. As a nerd who loved music this struck me as the best combination of things since peanuts and butter. These guys were my first actual concert and they played this song last. It’s gonna stick in my head forever rent free. “No one wants to know the man who stands for things we outgrow, we’re all older now and we don’t need someone to care about the innocence we left behind” If that isn’t the ballad of growing up I really don’t know what is.

The End of All Things - Panic! At The Disco

I graduate high school, I fall in and out of love, I get a job. It’s somewhere in the 2010s. This was a period of a lot of changes. My commute to work was along the east coast of Florida, from Ormond-by-the-sea to Ormond Beach proper. I worked at this very prestigious coffee spot known to most as Dunkin Donuts, and to a special few: Hell’s Kitchen 2.0. I met so many good people there. Real people. People just like me, people with a lot of potential in their early years, and now working part time at a job they kind of hate. Cory was one of those coworkers – more family than friend. She and I would often go on long drives after work just to vent about how awful everyone but us was. I don't know what prompted her to say it, but she looked at me as this song was playing – during that intense piano part, and said "Don't forget me when you're famous." Maybe it's because I'm not famous yet, but I haven't forgotten. I don't think I ever will.

This Busy Life - Robin Spielberg

I don’t know exactly when it happened but for sure, but by the time I was twenty-three I was having a really hard time sleeping. I don’t know if it was from anxiety or depression or what. I didn’t have enough money at the time to get a proper diagnosis. There was a period of time where the only thing that would really remedy the situation was some strictly instrumental music. Chopin, Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven. These guys were all good, but I loved the contemporaries more - Bossenbroek, Yann Tiersen, Yiruma, and Robin Spielberg. This song was a cool rush of water to the dry river bed that was my soul for a while. Even now when I have trouble thinking or breathing I give this song a quick listen. Hopefully it can help you where it's helped me.

Body Gold - Oh Wonder

I join the Marine Corps it’s January of 2017. For three months–three whole months–I wasn’t allowed to listen to music. For those of you that find yourself needing to listen to music at all times, you know how much of a mental devastation this was. There was one time though. One time in those three months that I heard a song. I was at dental getting my wisdom teeth taken out, and the dentist asked if I wanted to listen to music. Of course I said yes, how could I not? It was a brilliant reprieve in an environment where nothing is taken for granted. I didn't recognize the song at all so I asked the dentist for the song name and artist on a piece of paper. I clung to that hope on long hikes and longer nights. When my friends picked me up four-ish weeks later it was the first song I listened to in its entirety. More than just good vibes–it was as the kids say now, "a whole mood."

Cringe - Matt Maeson

We flash forward to 2021 and I am deep in the heat (and cold) of Helmand Province, Afghanistan. It was a tough time to be sure, but you can get through anything if you've got some good buddies. I deployed with, I'll say it–the best people on the planet. My heart is forever grateful for everyone on that deployment. But is it really a group of friends if you don't all arbitrarily choose a song to belt at every given opportunity? Cooper was our hype guy. He'd sit outside his room just blaring this song. The first time, it was cool. The second time, it was less cool, the 49th time? The 100th time though, and everyone was yelling this song. For no reason. We didn’t even particularly like the song. But no one hated it. And maybe that's what matters.

Send Me on My Way - Rusted Root

You’ve made it to the end. This is the last song. The last one of ten to understand a little bit about who I am. This song has so much importance to me it’s hard to explain. Every other song on this list has been overplayed in my ears. I’ll go through seasons when I can and can’t listen to them. Not this song. If I could listen to one song for the rest of my life this is it. I first heard it in the original Matilda movie with Danny DeVito. I resonated with Matilda because I also grew up without a mom. She died in a tragic accident when I was eight years old. I was later adopted by my grandparent and through life being life, they too passed away. Music was a type of therapy, and this song–it just hit right.

To tell you the truth, I don’t know what this song is really about. If you know music though, it's not about what it is, it's about how the song makes you feel. For me, it's a message. He says, "I would like to hold my little hand.” When faced with overwhelming loss, words are hard. When dealing with the feeling of not feeling, words are hard. When words are this hard, I'd like to think I could reach out a hand. I've never been good at talking, and I'm even worse at listening.

When this song plays I have this image in my head of me sitting on a bench, ice cream in hand with a younger me, and he asks, "What's gonna happen now?" I'd tousle his hair, cause he hates that and I'd say, "Lots." And for some reason that would be enough.

Well. There you have it. My life in ten songs. I hope you enjoyed reading and listening to the playlist of a hopefully less than complete stranger

Sincerely,

Me