Remembering who I was

It's year 2017.

The month of August.

and the 3rd day of the month.

It's my day off from work, so of course I'm relaxing in my living room, have lit some of my favorite candles and I'm listening to some music. At the time I was obsessed with James Arthur's new album, Back from the Edge. I knew a lot of the songs on this album were inspired by the hard times he had been going through due to the fall out of his success with his music after winning the X Factor. He had been cancelled by a lot of people due to using offensive lyrics in a song that shocked and angered the LGBT community. He was dropped from his recording label which would leave him to have to release any future music independently.

I totally understood that what he said in his song was totally disrespectful and unprofessional, but I also understood that he was only human and humans make mistakes. The first time I heard the song "Remember Who I Was" from his album Back from the Edge, I heard his shame and I heard his cry out for a bit of grace from everyone. I thought it was so beautiful that from one of his lowest times of life, he was able to rise from it, show his face, apologize and come out of hiding; all through a song.

I kept listening to this song over and over again this day. At this time of my life, I was a 22 year old trying to figure out what the heck my next step in life was. I had dropped out of college and decided I was going to work a fast food job while I figured out if I could make a living without a college degree. I had so many insecurities. I felt like everyone around me had their lives all figured out, meanwhile I was a complete mess hiding away from everyone because I was ashamed of who I had become. I felt the pressure from those around me to get my life together. I was never good at talking about my problem with others, so my way of expressing myself was through song. I had built up the courage to start recording myself singing and posting my videos on my Instagram page.

That day, August 3, 2017, I posted a short cover of me singing the song " Remember Who I Was" by James Arthur. It was the 3rd video I had ever posted, so it was still super uncomfortable for me, but this video felt different. It had personalized so much to my current season of life at that time that just made it so raw and emotional for me. I felt like it was in a way an anthem for my life. I was learning to rediscover who I was aside from all the false labels the people around me had put on me and I had picked up and made my own.

To my surprise, this short cover got the most views in comparison to my previous covers. But, what was really cool was that Andy Grammer actually saw my cover and liked it. I remember getting the notification and thinking, "it can't be him, it must be a fan account". Sure enough, it was actually Andy Grammer. My mind was absolutely BLOWN. I didn't understand why someone like Andy Grammer would take time out of his day to listen to me sing. I felt super grateful but also realized how much I had idolized these artists I liked. I had forgotten that artists are humans too who have feelings and weren't these perfect beings who had it all together. They're humans just like me and you, living life.

Life is one crazy rollercoaster. But, we get to choose joy every day and we get to choose to either stay chained to our past mistakes or get up and make a change for better. Love yourself, have a little more grace, get on up again and remember who you are. Like James said in his song "Remember who I was",

"See, if you're a misfit and feel out of place

Or you don't like how you look, it's okay

'Cause someone will, but you need to love yourself

Don't end up like me, don't end up like me

I'm just waking up now, in the tears of the ones I love

It's quiet, I'll bet that everybody thinks I'm done

I need to get up now, I've been down here for too long

Two years I've been lost, now I remember who I was."