Reflection Time

"She comes in colours everywhere/She combs her hair/She's like a rainbow" - She's A Rainbow by The Rolling Stones

Living with OCD as a college student is challenging to say the least. My mind is repeatedly jumping back and forth between several tasks and hundreds of thoughts. For those of you who may be wondering what OCD looks like, here are some examples: Avoiding the uneven textures of the ground when I go on walks, counting my steps as I ascend staircases, checking my locks repeatedly, and re-setting my alarm three times every night to make sure the time is correct. And that’s just a fraction of my odd behaviors. Some days, my anxiety is merely a dark hole in the back of my mind, which I can easily forget about - but most days, this isn’t the case. It’s habitual for me to let my intrusive thoughts drown out any logical ideas or positive reassurance that I give myself. It’s especially difficult when I have to worry about going to class, maintaining good grades, participating in activities, and finding a job on top of the recent pandemic. So, I’ve always explored healthy ways to distract my mind and refocus my attention on more enjoyable tasks. Listening to music has not only been a great source of relaxation and distraction from my daily anxieties and ticks, but it’s helped to heal me of them.

I believe that a person’s taste in music can say a lot about who they are. When I make new friends, they are often surprised when I ask them questions like “What is the playlist of your life?” and “What album or song best describes you?”. But I can be read like an open book when people look into my favorite artists and song lyrics. These songs help me to uncover the deepest parts of myself and bring them to the surface so I can reflect without feeling anxious. Some of them are upbeat and motivational, while others are slower-paced and melancholic. I find that a mix of both is necessary to explore who I am.

I want to point out a couple of key songs that I’ve admittedly spent way too much time analyzing. The first being Florence + The Machine’s “Shake It Out” which I would describe as an anthem for personal change. Florence Welch wrote this song after showing up to the recording studio hungover one morning. It’s no secret that she’s written many songs about alcohol abuse, which she’s struggled with for many years, but this one feels unique. It’s a declaration of change and one of the first steps Welch takes in a new chapter of her life. I love listening to artists who are open about their struggles with mental illness, and Florence + The Machine is the perfect example of a woman who is honest in her music. If I ever find myself thinking about how my OCD will never improve, or that I’m not deserving of the people and experiences in my life, I listen to this song on full volume. I am reminded that even at my worst, I am deserving of everything I want in life, and my mental illness doesn’t have to get in the way of my success.

The next song, while not quite as inspirational, is poetic and explores the complexity of mental illness. Lana Del Rey’s “Hope Is A Dangerous Thing For A Woman Like Me To Have - But I Have It” is perhaps her greatest song of all time. Del Rey references Sylvia Plath, who mirrors who she is in a lot of ways. This song teaches us that, no matter your experiences or shortcomings, hope is inclusive. It doesn’t leave anyone behind and is always something to look forward to. I’ve been listening to Lana Del Rey since I was 12-years-old and even before I could fully understand her lyrics, I was mesmerized by her. She sings about sadness, loss, grief, and the struggle of choosing to hurt yourself even though you know it’s unhealthy. As someone who has lived most of their life with anxiety and depression, the honesty and rawness of this kind of music is necessary. It is a reflection of what life is like, even if it’s not always positive. But, as “Hope Is A Dangerous Thing” would suggest, having faith is important for everyone - especially those who may not believe in it.

It’s fascinating to find new music that helps me reflect while simultaneously relaxing. It is a tedious task, but it’s nothing compared to counting my steps and checking my locks. It’s a task that reminds me that I am a human, and not a mindless being who is defined by their mental illness.