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It is well known that Valentine’s Day, an annual celebration of romance, causes some of us to quiver with pangs of grief once reminded of the idealized love we are missing. Less discussed, however, are the effects this romantic idealization can have on those who find themselves in an unstable, or uncomfortable relationship. The premium the holiday puts on passionate, honeymoon-esque dates and unconditional infatuation has the potential to confuse those of us who are in the midst of romantically turbulent periods.

Such a moment surely looks different for all of us, but for me, it looked like me coming to terms with an ugly truth: that I was in a toxic relationship, and every day I remained committed to my unenthused partner, I was ignoring my own well-being. Toxic relationships are usually never first identified by their participants, and so was the case for me. Friends of my partner and I had been trying to inform me for over a year that my partner had been cheating on me – which in my opinion is not even the worst of it. My partner of course continually denied my inquires, and it was much easier for me to quell my discomfort and believe the lies than it was for me to acknowledge I was being taken advantage of.

I have only recently distanced myself from my old partner, and so this Valentine’s Day felt bleak and came with the temptation of reaching out to my ex for some sense of affirmation that it was not all my fault – it is funny how we often choose to blame ourselves for the unfavorable actions taken by those around us. Luckily though, I remained steadfast in my commitment to prioritizing my own mental health and did not pursue this idea born from insecurity-driven desperation. In reflection though, I understand that there are many of us who suffer from the ills of a toxic relationship. And from my own anecdotal story, I can empathize with the confusing flurry of emotions that often accompanies the journey needed to confront that painful reality. In that spirit, I want to help people boycott the persuasive dogmas that enshroud Valentine’s Day. So, allow me to walk you through my own story of denial, hesitation, action, regret, and eventual acceptance using music as a medium.

I should pre-face the tumultuous period of our relationship. I fell for her sophomore year of high school, and I fell hard. It was the type of young love that renders the pursuer preemptively committed to their desired other half. Eventually, we became best friends, although it was obvious to any observer that she was more than a friend to me. Still, I was considerate enough to refrain from nagging her over the possibility of ever dating, so I waited. Waited until one day she began to like me back.

We officially started dating during our senior year of high school. It was perfect in my mind. I finally had the girl of my dreams. Never mind the red flags, those were just silly obstacles attempting to undermine my newfound happiness. She was the first serious relationship I had, and by extension, the first time I believe I truly loved someone in the romantic sense. As this song by the Blossoms bellows, I thought I was in love, and indeed I was. However, the more consequential lyric of the song would be the pre-text – oh no.

While the relationship remained imperfect throughout the rest of high school and the following summer, it did not actively degrade. This illusion of perfection sourced from stable imperfection would not last. She and I decided on different colleges, and once we both moved out of our hometown into our respective college towns, it was already over.

To spare an overly personal dive into my story, we can suffice it to say that it did not take more than a couple of weeks before she had cast away any obligations she vowed to keep as we fooled ourselves into attempting long-distance. The same cannot be said for me. Looking back, I sacrificed my freshman year of college so I could remain as loyal as possible to her. I did not go to orientation events and meet people. I stayed in on the weekends just in case my phone was to ring with her name on it - my phone never rang.

The news that she violated the expectations of a long-distance relationship got to me well after any violation was made. Making it easy to dismiss the news as rumors and cling to her word as she swore such a thing would never happen. Perhaps my actions remained detached from reality, but thoughts did not. I was plagued with insecurity from that point forward. Why was I not good enough? Such thoughts prompted me to consider how I ought to proceed and secure the relationship I once thought I had.

As this song by Vulfpeck soulfully expresses, I did not know what to do. I did not want to betray my girlfriend or offend her by siding with the rumor-spreading informants, but if I did not do something it was going to drive me mad. My sympathy towards her feelings prevailed and indeed it did drive me a bit mad. I was confused, flustered, insecure, and in dire need of direction. There came a moment that I am sure many people can relate to, the type of moment where you want your partner to mess up in a dramatic and public way. The type of moment that The Wrecks describe in vivid detail with their song "Fvck Somebody."

As is the theme of this song, I wished for my girlfriend to do something as destructive as openly cheat on me. That was the only way I could receive the evidence needed for me to finally believe all the stories I had been told. This type of behavior, at least for me, stems from a dependency one may place onto something else. I share this because it is a deeply damaging mindset to have, but one that permeates across far too many relationships.

It is needless to say that my girlfriend never openly cheated on me and followed up by informing me. After being deprived of the one way out that I could see, I fell into a much more somber state. I became chronically insecure, not just with regard to my position within my relationship but with regard to my value as a person. If my girlfriend did not value me, why would anyone else? I felt unworthy.

I felt like I had been used in the same way that Joji describes being used in his alternative styled ballad "TEST DRIVE." If I am tracking my emotional progression through my toxic relationship, then here is when I am caught up in hesitation. I was not happy, but I did nothing to fix it. What could I do? I felt powerless. I am certain this is a position familiar to most of us, regardless of the circumstances of our relationships. But I cannot understate how important it is that we do not let this period of self-doubt mold our self-images. That is a mistake I made for well over a year, and I am still recovering from it.

If the songs before this one were my own voice crying out, then "Please Dump Him" by Kid Sistr is the voice of my closest friends crying out on my behalf. Kid Sistr asks an imperative question in the song's opening lines, "how many times has he said sorry to you." A hallmark of toxic relationships is emotional manipulation, and my girlfriend had mastered the act of administering hollow apologies. If this is something familiar to you, I would urge you to step back and examine your relationship. Eventually, I did that, but after a year of complacency, the wounds were painful deep. This reflection proved equally necessary and painful. I ultimately came to the conclusion that she no longer loved me. Instead, she loved the way I treated her.

As Wiley From Atlanta howls with his signature rasp, "this ain't love ... you left me at my lowest place." This song is the inflection point in my story. After over a year, I decided to prioritize myself. Painfully, that meant leaving my girlfriend. But a clean-cut breakup would be too easy. There was heavy resistance to my efforts of cutting ties. She vowed she would change for me, but the words "I'm sorry" meant nothing to me anymore.

In the immediate aftermath of a critical, restorative decision, it is common to feel significantly happy than you did before. Indeed, I was very enthusiastic regarding my decision in the days after I parted ways.

Almost in a comical sense, I felt "freeee" as Kanye West and Kid Cudi do in their collaborative song "freeee." The security was short-lived, however. It did not take long for my now ex-girlfriend to reenter my life with relentless questions and accusations. Somehow this was all my fault. I recall being informed that I left her for another girl and that I "ruined her life." One is wise to understand that this is just the continuation of her everlasting emotional manipulation, but clouded by emotion I could not make such an identification.

I was now in a mess. I was oscillating between believing that it truly was my fault that the relationship failed and being angry at the fact that she dared even suggest it was. At this point, I was should-deep in regret. And just as Mitski proclaims on "Drunk Walk Home," I was starting to think that I may "never be free." Mitski replies to this possibility by projecting her pain into the emotional void ahead of her. I replied to this possibility by becoming lost in my disheveled emotional landscape.

I reflected on the pain I had endured for the past year and dug my heels in. It was hard, but I sustained my decision to end things. If the metaphor in Nasty Cherry's "F**k Modern Love" is that driving is a stand-in for progress, then I was committed to keeping my foot on the gas.

Nevertheless, it is a difficult position to maintain when your ex continues to try to sow doubt in your own decision-making abilities. Though the worst was behind me, I still felt the occasional urge to repeal my prioritization of personal well-being.

As Penelope Scott sings in "Feel Better," I wished that I never had to "get over it."

But as Passion Pit announces in their electro-pop anthem "I'll Be Alright," "I won't let you go unless I'll be alright, I'll be alright." It is important to remind myself that I would not have let go of the relationship if it was truly healthy. And if I was alright to let go once, I am alright to sustain that decision now.

My goal in writing this is variable. I wish to maybe introduce you to new music. I also wish to give you the courage to take action in defense of yourself if you are in a position similar to the one I was once in. At the least, I wish to provide entertainment to anyone who ends up reading this. We could all use something to distract ourselves from Valetine's-induced blues.